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What would you do?

(7 Posts)
Amiayoungmumthough Sun 12-Jul-20 23:55:27

I'm in a situation.
I feel like our relationship is on borrowed time. I've been feeling like I want to leave for about 18 months now. But there is more than me in this relationship. We have a daughter and we're due to move house any day now. Not only that we have also been going through assessment to adopt a family member and panel is due to be confirmed.
The thing is I'm not really in this relationship. I'm more of a maid/babysitter and it's partially my fault because he's never done a single load of washing in his life, he wasn't excited about our pregnancy, he prioritises football and videogames and I know he'd prefer to not be involved in this adopting he never talks about it and is uncomfortable when he has to.
He's not the kind of person I see myself with, he doesn't support me or my decisions. He has told me that he's only going ahead with the adoption because it's my family, I'd rather have someone on board who is fully on board. I understand that's a lot to ask but imo it's either all in or nothing in these situations, you don't just allow it to happen and take no responsibility if it does happen.
He's not an awful person and I know he'll be heartbroken if I leave because we've had similar conversations in the past which have resulted in suicide threats ect (he was drunk).
What would you?
I need advice because I feel like I'm trapped and drowning to keep everyone around me happy and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

OP’s posts: |
Ging7878 Mon 13-Jul-20 00:18:53

If I was you, I would end the relationship. You said that you feel like the maid and it sounds as if he doesn't support you at all. The fact that he does nothing in the house and his priorities are football and videogames makes him sound like a teenage boy. The fact he has no interest either way with the adoption is also very strange and I'm sure it's something that would have been picked up on by social workers etc. It sounds like you've been trying to keep everyone else happy bit now you're at burn out. I read a really good quote once which helped me a lot. It said "you do not need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm". x

category12 Mon 13-Jul-20 00:22:46

Couldn't you go ahead with the adoption on your own?

Seems daft to persist with moves etc if you don't want to be with the guy and to lumber your adoptee with a adoptive father who doesn't actually want them.

crystalize Mon 13-Jul-20 09:11:37

Suicide threats? So he's manipulative as well as a useless manchild. Stop being responsible for him, what about your needs? I really think you should go it alone with the adoption if possible and you have every right to end it with him.

Amiayoungmumthough Tue 14-Jul-20 22:43:48

I tried to speak with him about the adoption tonight.
I said 'Ive Noticed you've never actually asked anything about the adoption, like if there's been any news etc.'
He said that's because I always tell him.
Which I do. But I've done all the paperwork and been the only one keeping in touch with the social worker. He has only been involved when directly asked to be. He said something like he doesn't know how to do any of that stuff. So I said neither did I until I had to do it.
My little one then got up and I had to tend to her.
I came back into the room and waited for him to respond.
He said nothing for a good 10 minutes then suggested a film.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Thu 16-Jul-20 18:19:06

You know really he's not remotely interested. He's already told you he's only going along with it.

You say you want someone who is fully on board - well, he's not it.
What are you getting out of this relationship? You skivvy for him and he pays lip-service. You don't see a future.

Suicide threats are emotional blackmail and a controlling tactic because you're threatening his status quo, they're not the result of love.

Student2021 Thu 16-Jul-20 19:39:49

I’m in a really similar position. I don’t have any advice as such, but you’re not alone flowers

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