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Relationship has been a lie??(23 Posts)
Just after a bit of advice ..
I’ve been with my partner nearly 8 years and a few days ago I caught him out in a lie.
We had both agreed through many conversations that with Coronavirus, we weren’t in any rush to go out anywhere or on the holiday we’d booked etc especially as I am on the vulnerable list and his words were ‘unnecessary risk’.
That’s fine with me but if he wanted to do any of that, fine. It was his suggestion in the first place but I 100% agreed.
So Thursday, whilst he was out visiting his brother (I stayed home as working) I was on snapchat and saw his brother had snap chatted on stories a picture of them both at the pub.
I was surprised after the comments made only a few days before in front of my Mum so I called him (I shouldn’t have done this but was annoyed as I’d turned down offers etc of going out myself as we had agreed not to go out) and when asked what he was up to, he lied and said he had gone to visit his Nan.
I then called him out on his lie (it’s not the first time he’s lied, he lies every few months and gets caught out and this cycle happens) we argued and have now split.
All he was bothered about was how I ruined his hour in the pub and his brother was pissed off and that he never wants to see me again.
I was annoyed he’d lied more than anything as if I had known he wanted to go to the pub, I had no problem and could arrange things for myself now too.
I have now had so much rubbish thrown at me about how I’m controlling, how he’s lost all his family and friends, how he’s so miserable, how all I care about is my children, how I spend all his money (completely not true as I earn more than him and I’ve never stopped him doing anything, he just has no get up and go and can never be bothered to do anything anyway) etc etc.
Has called me all sorts of names and is just being vile! I even had to turn off my phone as the messages were getting worse.
I have never controlled anything or anyone and being completely honest, it’s been the other way around.
Every few months he goes off on one like this and whatever I’ve done (or not done) is thrown back at me to the point now, if I now make any decisions, I always say to him, please don’t throw this back in my face as it’s the same old cycle and I just wait for him to kick off.
He hadn’t had one of these episodes in a while so I should’ve known it was due.
Anyway, before all of this, we were renovating a buy to let and I have been bossy. I’ve just wanted to get on with things as we’ve had to put everything on hold for months and are losing money each month so it’s been quite stressful.
The last few weekends I’ve been working hard to get on top but now he’s saying that he had no choice in the buy to let, how I’ve controlled it all .. Only the day before we were choosing the fixtures and fittings etc and told me how he was enjoying spending out time together doing this and that we should buy another once completed.
Anyway, he’s moved in with his brother and I’ve had days and days of being told how horrendous I am and how I’ve ruined his life. He’s telling anyone who will listen. Even told my son when they saw each other in the shop!
This is a 50 year old man being pushed around by a 39 year old woman ?? It’s just not true.
I’m gutted as I thought we were in this together and for the long term and were even talking about getting married etc next year but obviously not.
The future I had planned for is now gone and I don’t know what to do.
My family are brilliant, my children are teenagers and are glad to see him go as he was always on at them but I feel a bit lost.
I’m trying to sort out the financials etc to keep busy and I know he will be fair (I hope so anyway) but any advice on how to get over the fact my future has now changed and how to not let his name calling eat away at me as I’m now doubting and questioning everything.
My whole relationship has been a lie if this is how he’s felt 😥
Sorry you're having such a difficult time.
Don't speak to him except about the practicalities of finances etc. That way you can avoid some of the false character assassinations and so on.
Maybe block on everything except email, and use email to sort out the necessary details.
You will feel better for taking control and blocking.
If anything, HE is the controlling one. He deliberately lied and let himself be caught in that lie and lied further. And when you pulled him up o it, instead of being decent, he reversed it round on you. Very manipulative.
He is also attempting to rewrite the narrative of you. And telling all and sundry first so he can look the hard done by party.
You are well rid. And if you are honest with yourself, you shouldnt have been considering marriage with someone your kids couldn't stand anyway right? They knew the measure of him.
Your future will be a lot brighter without this knob in it. Block him on everything. And I'd actually advise you NOT to forget his words. That is exactly who he is and what he thinks of you. This is not your fault. He is just an asshole. But do not forget that.
Don’t waste your life on a liar. I wish I didn’t.
Thank you for your replies .. I really appreciate the time taken.
I’m just feeling really rubbish this evening
I’ve had so much happen this year and everything has changed/is changing so much.
I know deep down that this is for the best but it still feels crappy.
Looks like you held a mirror up to him and he didn't like what he saw. You're better off without him
Sorry you are feeling rubbish but clearly you deserve better, your DC and family being glad he has gone is very telling!
You will get there to a happier place
I definitely know what has happened is definitely for the best.
I know I don’t deserve this treatment and to be constantly walking on eggshells wondering when the next ‘episode’ is going to happen. It wears you down.
I just need to keep positive but all I want to do is cry 😢
There is so much to sort out and then the upheavel for my children.
I just have to keep reminding myself that this is for the best and everything happens for a reason and we WILL be happier.
Thank you so much for the replies. It really has helped.
My partner does exactly the same as this. But I am 30 and have 2 children with him . I wish I had left him before we had children. In my opinion you are having a lucky escape
My husband used to go through these phases of lying too. As we get to the end of our divorce the extent of the lies has become clearer - porn, drugs, cheating. Run.
Sorry to hear you’ve both been in this situation.
It’s been a hard week and I’ve had everything possible, over the last 8 years thrown back in my face. He’s taken no responsibility whatsoever and it’s been so frustrating! I know I’m well rid but it’s so hard. I did love him more than anything, despite his strops every few months. I just need this hard time to pass and be ok again .. I know that I will get there.
my children are teenagers and are glad to see him go as he was always on at them
Please just always always remember this bit.
Never put a man above your DC ever again.
Stay strong but cry when you need to - away from the DC.
Block him and stop listening to his bullshit!
Don't worry about the 'upheaval' for your kids - they are teenagers and don't like him anyway so they will probably be glad.
Being on your own is better than living on eggshells and being miserable most of the time.
Oh , I'm so sorry OP, I have experience something similar once. I remember the critisism about stuff that I had thought of as minor or long forgotten.
Long diatribes about how awful I was. I remember one of the many, many critisisms was about I didn't have the capacity to forgive and forget , even though I was being critisised for something I said years previously! ( And the thing I said wasn't cruel, just something I had prioritised over him ) It makes me laugh now but it certainly didn't at the time.
It is disturbing to realise that you have been remembered in yourself and in your relationship very differently to how you view things, it makes you question reality a little? I know it did for me anyway. I always wondered if it was like a form of gaslighting? Anyway. I kind of read about narcissistic rage afterwards and thought it might have been that. I don't think my ex had NPD, but maybe some traits. It's just you say it happens every few months as well. It might be nothing but look at that and see if it makes sense to you.
I'm sorry this happened to you , and I understand your confusion. I really do.
OP, you won’t miss him at all. He’s a shit. What you are missing is the nice man you thought he was. That person never existed, except in your own mind and wishful thinking, or perhaps in the early days when he put on a good front to draw you in and get you hooked.
This relationship has been a useful learning experience in assessing men, abuse, maintaining your boundaries and self esteem, etc. Use it as a warning for what to look for in future relationships- that way, you gain something from it, rather than feeling it was all a pointless mistake.
There’s a very appropriate Chely Wright song on Youtube called “Shut up and drive”, about leaving an abusive partner. It’s well worth playing if you ever feel tempted to have him back, and it has a very empowering video of a woman driving off on an open road to a new horizon, with her abuser left behind angry and sulking!
You will get through this. Stay strong, and do not look back.
Thank you for all of your comments .. It does lift you reading them especially as I’ve woken up today in a bit of a downer and randomly crying.
Luckily the teenagers are in bed and will be for most of the morning.
I’ll have a look at Chely Wright and narcissistic rage, thank you.
I think a lot of the problems were that I was his first serious relationship so there was a lot of immaturity and not knowing how to communicate.
He was also an only child so was a Mummy’s boy.
I’m just upset that he’s told me what a terrible person I am, all of my flaws and has literally made out that he’s a poor little lamb who’s been locked away all of these years. It’s always been me that carried us through the relationship etc as he struggled to ‘deal with life’. He’s taken that to be that I’ve been controlling.
I’m just hurt beyond belief.
I’m annoyed at myself as I’m usually such an independent person and I’ve allowed myself to be drawn in in some way. Especially a few days ago I was told how hurt and sad he was and how I’d not even asked him back so in a stupid moment of weakness Late at night, told him I missed him and I’m sorry and to try again. Went into detail how heartbroken I was to then be ignored.
I don’t ever remember breakups in the past feeling like this .. I feel terrible.
I’m just trying to carry on as normal and am continuing with the renovation project in the hope it takes my mind of things for the time being at least.
Thank you all for your comments though, it’s quite helpful getting everything out.
My ex also used to do this... I remember many arguments where I was in floods of tears. Not upset, just so fucking frustrated at the shit he was chatting!
You are much better off rid, IME they never change.
It sounds like he was using Covid as an excuse to control your behaviour.
Great for him, you couldn’t go out etc.
He just didn’t expect you to actually want the same from him in return. How dare you actually expect him to stay in! So controlling!
You are SO well rid!
My DH’s friend is a littlf like this. He tells everybody his wife is controlling - to be fair he has always been very social and she’s a homebody. Since they had kids she’s decided she wants to stay home / spend family time.. but he still wAnts to go to the pub..
As a result he’s started lying about it. Once my Dh was going to play golf with him.. when he got to the friebd’s house to pick him up, he said he was really excited about golf. His friebds wife face turned black- he’d told her they were going for a work offsite!
Tbh I think they both contribute a bit to the problem. If she went a bit easier on him ( let him out once in a while) he wouldn’t lie to her.. his lying makes her more controlling etc etc it’s a vicious cycle
I think your partner has massively over reacted . I think if you were truly controlling then he would have been saying it all along. I honestly think you hurt his ego by calling him out on a lie and the only way to protect his ego is to change the narrative. Saying to himself and everyone else that he had to lie as you were controlling. Him protecting his idea of himself is much more important than your feelings.
When you apologised and asked to try again, this didn't feed his new narrative of you so he didn't know how to respond. He has backed himself into a corner.
He's very immature, beyond even being a mummys boy. In my opinion anyway.
DARVO twat you’re well rid of him.
Op you say he is an only child but he was at the pub with his brother?
Ignoring that, try to remember when someone shows you who they are - believe them. This vile man is his true colours.
@Cloudyapples His Dad is much older and had had a child just before he met my ex’s mother. The child had been taken abroad but since the last 20 years or so, since he moved back to the uk, they’ve got close as there is only a couple of years age difference.
Thank you all .. I definitely need to hear this.
I just keep going over everything and doubting everything I did.
I was the opposite of controlling as I’d suggest he get out or see this person or that but he never did as he couldn’t be bothered. He could never be bothered with anything so when we did do anything, it was always me sorting out the plans. He’s now used that as I’m controlling and twisted it to suit him.
I know I’m not perfect, by far am I but I also know I’m not the person he’s describing.
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