Old Flame!!

[Elle111]

Hi everyone. I’ve just joined the site after having lurked for several years and read many threads.
I’m after a bit of advice and reassurance please.
20 years ago I had a “thing” with a man for several months, but had known him for several years. Both of us were already in relationships at the time. My conscience got the better of me and I ended things. I haven’t seen him since. Shortly after this I became pregnant and had a daughter, then split up from her father. I’ve pretty much been on my own since then with the odd date, and a couple of brief relationships. I’ve put the last 19 years into raising my daughter, going to uni and building a career. Now my daughter is getting more independent every day, has a boyfriend who she’s been with for a year, and I feel like it’s time for me to think about men again!!!
Anyway, the man I had the brief “thing” with all this years ago had popped up on Facebook. I sent him a friend request, we’ve chatted a little on messenger and we’ve planned for me to go and see him for a weekend in 4 weeks time (lives 4 hours away)
I’m excited, nervous, terrified and a hundred other things!! I know where things will lead when I visit as I’ll be staying at his place for the weekend. I’m 50 now and full of insecurities about how much I’ve aged, the fact my body is different from how it was all those years ago (a size 10 now but full of wobbly bits!!). What can I do to boost my confidence? It’s been so long since I’ve been with a man but I’m hoping the familiarity of being with someone I used to know will make it a little easier.
I have no thoughts about where, if anywhere, I’d like this to go. I’ll get through my visit and see how both of us feel then.

[Razpoot]

Ooh! I dont have much to say unfortunately, but I just wanted to say good luck and have fun!

[Parsley1234]

I’ve just come back from a reheating of the soup from 30 years ago and 24 years ago and 9 years ago ! Enjoy see what happens have fun

[category12]

Crikey you're going from 0-60 fast, aren't you?

Have you a plan B/escape hatch if when you see him in person you find there's no longer any chemistry or are actively repulsed?

[badgerread]

How exciting!! don't worry abou any wobbly bits, he'll no doubt have them too and won't look the same as he did 20 years ago either!

Remember that and just enjoy it!

[dontgobaconmyheart]

Not what you've asked but i'd be wary of leaping in so soon OP. I wouldn't make the mistake of assuming this is a person you already know well and jumping the gun based on residual fantasies from decades ago. It sounds like you barely knew him at the time, nobody knows anyone very well at all after a few months of dating- and 20 whole years is a lifetime. People change an awful lot in their personalities, opinions, personal growth (or not) and will certainly not look the same. We also can all very easily put our best foot forward chatting online very occasionally, too.

Not saying it isn't worth exploring if there is something there but surely meeting for a single date, or talk on the phone to an extent for a while and see if it's actually worth exploring before going 4 hours to stay where he lives rather than...meet halfway and go home and assess. Make sure to tell someone exactly where you are too.

Presumably he and you have seen realistic photos of one another if you're both on FB? If so I can't see what the worry is. All you can do is wear things you feel good in and remember that the past has no bearing on it ans gives it no extra gravitas. It's a date, it will either work or not could go either way, both are normal. Not overly romanticising it is your friend here, boring though it sounds.

[SoulofanAggron]

If you're a size 10 your wobbly bits can't be that wobbly anyway.

I was supposed to meet up with someone I used to know years ago. My thoughts recently were we could chat over video link maybe so he's not shocked by what I look like when we meet (my face was always worse than my body and has maybe aged worse.)

Maybe you could try that if you haven't already? Maybe not getting filthy on cam but video chats.

I've also been thinking recently that decent men won't care, they're interested in the whole person, not just looks/sex etc.

[Frownette]

He'll think you're beautiful, but take it steady and get to know each other a bit more

[Crystalspider]

Just be cautious if you want anymore than a quick fling, given your past, you were both cheaters, I'm glad you saw sense and knew it was wrong and your're now a mature woman but has he changed?

[PornStarOvaltini]

Use this time to tone up if you feel that will give you more confidence. Short runs are good for the core plus you can get creams that firm the appearance of the skin.

Check out alternative places to stay in case things don't feel comfortable.

I would be wary about sleeping with him so "soon" - I'd want to hold something back, plus who knows what he's been doing and to whom.

You could get him to take an STI test I guess but then that's outing your intentions. Hmmm, tricky one.

[TwentyViginti]

You're seriously going to shag a man you haven't seen for 20 years? A stranger now. Also, you haven't said if he's actually single now?

[Elle111]

Thanks for the comments.

Well, I’ve booked a hotel to stay in - trying to be cautious and sensible, and I’m working on my wobbly bits!!

I realise we’ll be almost strangers when we meet up again, but it’s nice to have something exciting to look forwarded to. I’m trying to make myself be sensible about the whole thing. Not easy as I’m quite an impulsive person!

I shall heed all your wise words and keep myself safe, try to expect nothing, but enjoy myself if anything comes of this.

[2catsandhappy]

@Elle111 stumbled across this. Can you say what happened?
I got in touch with an ex on FB. Booked hotel. Met up. It was so lovely to see him after 34 years.

[TossaCoinToYerWitcher]

@Crystalspider

Just be cautious if you want anymore than a quick fling, given your past, you were both cheaters, I'm glad you saw sense and knew it was wrong and your're now a mature woman but has he changed?

Sorry to also pour a bucket of cold water on the whole “lost lovers, once denied, but now can reunite” narrative, but I was going to point this out also.

You both had an affair - let’s call it what is, not a “thing” - and if I’ve got my sums right, you were 30 at the time, so a mature adult so it wasn’t one of those tangles you might get into when you’re still finding yourself in your teens. Good for you for putting a stop to it, but… he didn’t did he? Sounds like he was quite happy to carry on cheating on his partner (or wife?)

Is such a guy really such a catch? Because the conclusion I’d draw is a man of such low moral fibre is, yes, looking to shag you when you meet up and, on past history, may well have someone else hidden away. If “fun” like that is what you want too, then by all means go for it. However, this is not a guy or a scenario that suggests they will be happy to take it slow with a view to develop a deeper relationship.

[Milomonster]

I usually get excited by old flame threads but I’m amazed you are planning to sleep with him without taking the time to know him. I met an old flame after 15 years - he had turned into an obnoxious and self-centered person, so far from the lovely man I once knew.
Being a single parent, I can understand the excitement and eagerness to be with someone but sounds like you should slow down unless a shag is all you are after.

[Geppili]

Why is it you who are doing all the travelling and expense?

[SarahBellam]

Have you checked that he's single first?

[blisstwins]

Eh, you are single now. Go and enjoy the sex if that is what you want, but eyes open. I am in touch with an old flame (have not met yet and he is going through a divorce) but he is different.

[mewkins]

Definitely have a video chat first. He may have become really dull in the last 20 years!!!!!

[TheFoundations]

I really think it's important to understand that from your point of view, this meeting isn't to find out if he likes you, it's to find out if you like him. You will do intimate things with him only if you feel comfortable, and so there is no concern about being uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable or not ready, you say 'stop', and that's the end of that.

Where ever this goes, it goes at your pace, and not the pace that he pushes you to go.

Give yourself agency. You're not going to meet this man and hoping you are perfect for him; you don't know him, and you are already who you are, with no need to change. If he likes you and treats you how you like to be treated, you'll feel good around him, and worries about physical insecurities will be something you either forget, or laugh about amongst yourselves.

You're not feeling anxious because you're low in confidence - you're feeling anxious because you're putting yourself into a vulnerable situation with someone you don't know. Anxiety is a boundary, and your lizard brain is having to put it there because you're not thinking about protecting yourself/your emotions. Give the anxiety some credence: 'Meeting a near stranger and staying in his house would cause me anxiety because x, and I can mitigate this anxiety by y'. 'Being intimate with near stranger would cause a woman anxiety because x, and I can mitigate that anxiety by y', 'Him seeing my wobbly bits would cause me anxiety because I barely know him and being naked with him would be inappropriate, and I can mitigate that anxiety by not being naked with him' etc etc.