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Old Flame!!(12 Posts)
Hi everyone. I’ve just joined the site after having lurked for several years and read many threads.
I’m after a bit of advice and reassurance please.
20 years ago I had a “thing” with a man for several months, but had known him for several years. Both of us were already in relationships at the time. My conscience got the better of me and I ended things. I haven’t seen him since. Shortly after this I became pregnant and had a daughter, then split up from her father. I’ve pretty much been on my own since then with the odd date, and a couple of brief relationships. I’ve put the last 19 years into raising my daughter, going to uni and building a career. Now my daughter is getting more independent every day, has a boyfriend who she’s been with for a year, and I feel like it’s time for me to think about men again!!!
Anyway, the man I had the brief “thing” with all this years ago had popped up on Facebook. I sent him a friend request, we’ve chatted a little on messenger and we’ve planned for me to go and see him for a weekend in 4 weeks time (lives 4 hours away)
I’m excited, nervous, terrified and a hundred other things!! I know where things will lead when I visit as I’ll be staying at his place for the weekend. I’m 50 now and full of insecurities about how much I’ve aged, the fact my body is different from how it was all those years ago (a size 10 now but full of wobbly bits!!). What can I do to boost my confidence? It’s been so long since I’ve been with a man but I’m hoping the familiarity of being with someone I used to know will make it a little easier.
I have no thoughts about where, if anywhere, I’d like this to go. I’ll get through my visit and see how both of us feel then.
Ooh! I dont have much to say unfortunately, but I just wanted to say good luck and have fun!
I’ve just come back from a reheating of the soup from 30 years ago and 24 years ago and 9 years ago ! Enjoy see what happens have fun
Crikey you're going from 0-60 fast, aren't you?
Have you a plan B/escape hatch if when you see him in person you find there's no longer any chemistry or are actively repulsed?
How exciting!! don't worry abou any wobbly bits, he'll no doubt have them too and won't look the same as he did 20 years ago either!
Remember that and just enjoy it!
Not what you've asked but i'd be wary of leaping in so soon OP. I wouldn't make the mistake of assuming this is a person you already know well and jumping the gun based on residual fantasies from decades ago. It sounds like you barely knew him at the time, nobody knows anyone very well at all after a few months of dating- and 20 whole years is a lifetime. People change an awful lot in their personalities, opinions, personal growth (or not) and will certainly not look the same. We also can all very easily put our best foot forward chatting online very occasionally, too.
Not saying it isn't worth exploring if there is something there but surely meeting for a single date, or talk on the phone to an extent for a while and see if it's actually worth exploring before going 4 hours to stay where he lives rather than...meet halfway and go home and assess. Make sure to tell someone exactly where you are too.
Presumably he and you have seen realistic photos of one another if you're both on FB? If so I can't see what the worry is. All you can do is wear things you feel good in and remember that the past has no bearing on it ans gives it no extra gravitas. It's a date, it will either work or not could go either way, both are normal. Not overly romanticising it is your friend here, boring though it sounds.
If you're a size 10 your wobbly bits can't be that wobbly anyway.
I was supposed to meet up with someone I used to know years ago. My thoughts recently were we could chat over video link maybe so he's not shocked by what I look like when we meet (my face was always worse than my body and has maybe aged worse.)
Maybe you could try that if you haven't already? Maybe not getting filthy on cam but video chats.
I've also been thinking recently that decent men won't care, they're interested in the whole person, not just looks/sex etc.
He'll think you're beautiful, but take it steady and get to know each other a bit more
Just be cautious if you want anymore than a quick fling, given your past, you were both cheaters, I'm glad you saw sense and knew it was wrong and your're now a mature woman but has he changed?
Use this time to tone up if you feel that will give you more confidence. Short runs are good for the core plus you can get creams that firm the appearance of the skin.
Check out alternative places to stay in case things don't feel comfortable.
I would be wary about sleeping with him so "soon" - I'd want to hold something back, plus who knows what he's been doing and to whom.
You could get him to take an STI test I guess but then that's outing your intentions. Hmmm, tricky one.
You're seriously going to shag a man you haven't seen for 20 years? A stranger now. Also, you haven't said if he's actually single now?
Thanks for the comments.
Well, I’ve booked a hotel to stay in - trying to be cautious and sensible, and I’m working on my wobbly bits!!
I realise we’ll be almost strangers when we meet up again, but it’s nice to have something exciting to look forwarded to. I’m trying to make myself be sensible about the whole thing. Not easy as I’m quite an impulsive person!
I shall heed all your wise words and keep myself safe, try to expect nothing, but enjoy myself if anything comes of this.
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