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He's making me feel bad for leaving.

(18 Posts)
LM1991 Sun 12-Jul-20 12:39:22

Looking for advice.
I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago after our final fight. It was over something trivial as usual. He flipped out and swore at me as usual. He apologised as usual but this time I had enough. Everything had been getting too much and I told him to leave. Granted our communication hadn't been great in the relationship but his tactic in arguments was to get verbally abusive to hurt me.

He wants us back together, part of me does too but I'm staying strong. I told him that we could never be together until he seeks help. He has been acknowledging his behaviour and seems to want to change but I'm not stupid, I know it's not a quick fix. But then he keeps asking to meet up for dinner, walks and gets angry when I say no. He says things like "You're messing with my head" "I'm trying to relay foundations" "not wanting to see me even as a friend, proves you don't care" "Go find someone who can make you happy because clearly I'm not the one" "You have handled this wrong by not seeing me, it's pushing us apart"
Am I messing with his head?

I did the Freedom Programme and it made me feel even more confused about the relationship. He has all the traits of "Mr Right" but he has a short temper and uses bad language when he's mad. Is it possible to have all the traits of Mr Right but still be abusive? Am I over reacting and being sensitive?

OP’s posts: |
Tappering Sun 12-Jul-20 13:00:10

No you are not over-reacting.

You aren't together anymore, therefore you don't need to see him. He has no rights to expect you to want to spend time with him. You aren't friends - and he's throwing this at you to try and guilt trip you into seeing him, so that he can wheedle his way back in.

Stop contacting him. Don't engage. If he texts again then send a simple response saying that you are no longer in a relationship and therefore there is nothing to discuss.

I would also delete and block him. He does not sound like a kind person for you to have in your life. You owe him nothing.

VettiyaIruken Sun 12-Jul-20 13:05:12

He's trying to get you back and he's still being angry and abusive. He won't ever change.

Bunnymumy Sun 12-Jul-20 13:10:25

Please block him on everything. There is no reason for you still to be in contact. He will only use it to wear you down.

Unless you have kids? In which case block him on everything bar one method of contact (id suggest a cheap pay as you go phone) and only respond to messages regarding the arrangements for the kids.

Abusers dont ever stop being abusers (exception being perhaps if they are abusive due alcohol and stop drinking ect). It is who he is. Tell him clearly that it is over and block all future contact.

Watch youtube videos on narcissists to help you realise what's what. Melanie tonia Evan's is good.

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 12-Jul-20 13:16:49

So, his best "I want to win you back" behaviour consists of demanding you do as he says, when he says.

Nope!!! He is showing how little he expects to do in your relationship.

Block him and ignore any weakening of your heart. It will see sense soon enough.

HGKPG Wed 15-Jul-20 17:14:59

My ex did this.. It doesn't work. I tried to be nice.. It resulted in a restraining order and still to this day he still messages me (nearly 5 yrs down the line) ignore

AnnaNimmity Wed 15-Jul-20 17:18:25

mr Right is abusive.

Name calling and shouting is also abusive behaviour. It's possible to exhibit more than one type of abusive behaviour.

Block him and have some time with no contact. You'll start to see more clearly (which is what he's afraid of, and which is why he won't leave you alone)

Aquamarine1029 Wed 15-Jul-20 17:21:03

BLOCK HIM and move on with your life. Taking him back would only waste more of your time.

katy1213 Wed 15-Jul-20 17:27:22

His head is no longer your problem.

Holothane Wed 15-Jul-20 17:39:00

Block block and block again he’ll drag you down otherwise.hugs

user1573957284738 Wed 15-Jul-20 17:42:39

I think you need to do the Freedom Programme again because you seem to have it back to front and upside down.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Jul-20 17:44:55

"You're messing with my head" - That is all on you. This is over. I've made it very clear. The message is clear. Leave me alone.
"I'm trying to relay foundations" - Too late. This is over. Leave me alone.
"not wanting to see me even as a friend, proves you don't care" - You are right. I am past caring. This is over. Leave me alone.
"Go find someone who can make you happy because clearly I'm not the one" - No you are not. This is over. Leave me alone
"You have handled this wrong by not seeing me, it's pushing us apart" - I can't be any clearer. This is over. Leave me a lone.

You cannot be anything but concise with your responses.
Repeat repeat repeat then block!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 15-Jul-20 17:51:09

Block him on all channels.

If he continues to harass you please do not hesitate to get the police involved.

LM1991 Wed 15-Jul-20 18:11:41

So he's now enrolled onto anger management but keeps asking me what our future holds?
Of course I love him and want him back but I won't let it happen
So I told him the truth is, If he wouldn't have gone so far to call me names and swear, I would have stayed. Someone can only put up with it for so long. No one's perfect, I did my fair share of being selfish sometimes but he ruined the relationship and now I'm focussing on myself.
He asked me if I wanted him to stop texting so I just said yeah. It broke my heart.
I'm learning to fall in love with myself because I've always jumped from relationship to relationship.

OP’s posts: |
LM1991 Wed 15-Jul-20 18:14:59

Very true HellsBells,
I feel I am past caring now.
I do care about him but I don't care about the relationship anymore because of what is turned into.
I used to think it was just arguments until he ended each row with bad language and general verbal abuse. That's when I thought, he's doing this all wrong. You're not meant to go that low

OP’s posts: |
Wildwood6 Wed 15-Jul-20 18:24:06

Like @HGKPG my ex did this and I tried to be nice. Partly because I hate confrontation and partly because I felt incredibly guilty, which with hindsight I realise he milked for all it was worth. Again like @HGKPG it also resulted in a restraining order against my ex. Mr Right wouldn't make you feel so awful because you wanted to end a relationship that clearly wasn't working for you, no matter how upset it made him. Mr Right wouldn't be that manipulative and would want you to be happy, even if it meant you being happy without him. Effectively his behaviour is saying that his needs take precedence over yours.

LM1991 Wed 15-Jul-20 18:25:17

I do understand the freedoms program,
He has traits of :
Bully - swearing , name calling
Persuader - Going to anger management, saying sorry,
Liar - He was angry because I attacked him.

He has traits of Mr right , the friend
The lover - compliments, affectionate
The partner - does his fair share of chores, shares finances
The liberator - encourages me to go to University, further my career, welcomes my friends and family

What I learnt is that abusive partners aren't all bad, they have traits of mr right which makes it hard to leave. Which was my case. It was extremely hard to leave because when we didn't row, we were like best friends. But you can only take so much of the bad. Even he was starting to look drained. I definitely made the right decision.

OP’s posts: |
LM1991 Wed 15-Jul-20 18:26:55

I'm not saying that a man has to be perfect and never lose him temper, I'm just saying that I believe bad language and name calling shouldn't be a tactic used to hurt your partner.

OP’s posts: |

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