Am I asking for too much from DP?

[Anxiousmummy2020]

My DP and I have two children age 6 and 9. He works 60 hours a week, 7am-12 noon on Tuesday and Wednesdays, then nights 8.30pm-7.30am Thursday all the way through to Sunday. He sleeps in the days 8am-2pm his choice, I think he should sleep more but he said he gets a 2 hour break at work which he sleeps on. I work 8.30am-2.30pm Monday to Friday. Do breakfast school drop off, school pick up, homework take to clubs, dinner washing up cleaning food shopping etc etc. He says he cannot help with any of it because he works 60 hours a week. I’m now furloughed I’ve had kids at home for 16 weeks, he has done nothing with them. I’m so exhausted and isolated because our oldest is shielding. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. I’ve spoken to him and he said he feels like we don’t get on and have grown apart. We can try and make things work but I need to be affectionate, I can’t be affectionate because I’m basically on my own all day with the kids and all night on my own. When he is here he does his own thing like computer tv jogging etc. I feel broken. He is annoyed with me and said he would feel like it was a holiday if he was furloughed. He said if I’m unhappy he will leave, but then I’ll be even more on my own than I am now! I’m so fed up I feel on the verge of a breakdown. I feel like I barely I’m just on my own with dc all of the time. He does nothing with them. He said I’m just looking at the negatives and he’s hard working earns well we have a nice home etc. Which is true. But I feel so depressed it’s starting to affect me I feel like I can’t take much more of being solely responsible for the dc and be the only one who does anything with them with no input from him. Am I asking too much from him?

[overlooker]

He feels it would be a holiday if he was furloughed? Really? I’d like to see how much of a holiday he’d be having looking after two kids, doing all the cleaning, cooking and homeschooling on his own with zero support and an unsupportive partner. Fuck that. He’s deluded. What you’ve got here is an unrealistic partner who has no clue. You’re not going to like this but the best thing you could do is give him a cold hard shock. You’re on a losing battle here I’m afraid. He has no idea what’s required because you’ve picked up all the slack. Have you got anywhere else you can stay for a bit? Family? If it was me, I’d be renting a nice Airbnb for 3 months. Call it s holiday. Make sure it has WiFi and all mod cons. Leave him to it. Make him do his own food shopping, cleaning etc and drop kids off to him when you are working or every other weekend fri through to Sunday and give him a taste of what life without you looks like.

[Lorddenning1]

I don't think you are asking too much from him, I think lock down has taken a toll on a lot of people and I felt like I was slipping last week too :( I have 2 children and work from home, luckily my 3 year old is back at nursery now so it's just me and my 9 year old and I'm a single parent, it's tough and also not the normal life we are used to, after 4 months, something was going to give :( can you ask him to take some annual leave, a week off work for maybe a few days in order to let you have a minute to yourself?

[category12]

Does your situation actually need him to work those hours?

If you could manage on less money coming in, then I'd be arguing for him to reduce hours/find another job and participate in family life. What's the point of working so hard allegedly "for the family" if he never takes part in family life?

It doesn't sound like that would be something he would want, tho.

[overlooker]

You can’t make somebody who doesn’t care, care. If he leaves then he’ll have to pick up 50% of childcare and you can spend that time sleeping/getting your life back and finding a supportive partner. Every friend I’ve got in your situation who has left now has a better and happier life because the ex now has to have them at weekends and they’ve got new boyfriends and actually got a life! Don’t put up with this crap.

[Anxiousmummy2020]

If I ask him for help he acts annoyed like I am not coping, and mutters that he has to work 60 hours a week and implies that I’m lazy. Or other times tells me I know it’s hard but we appreciate everything you do. But I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I did ask my parents if I could stay but they refused, said we could come round in the day for company but not stay over as they haven’t the room. I’ve been looking at an air bnb my mum sent me a link, I’m not sure do you think it would make my life easier to get away for a few weeks? I feel like I want to run away at the moment, I’m up half the night with chest pains and anxiety about the state of the relationship every day feels so hard. I probably sound extreme but I really feel like I’m going to break down, I’ve told him and he said I need to see a doctor there must be something wrong with me. I just feel burnt out and unsupported.

[CinnabarRed]

Also - those hours don’t add up to 60.

5 hours each on Tuesdays and Wednesdays
11 hours each on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.

That’s 54 hours. And take off his two hour breaks and it’s more like 44 hours.

You’re doing 30 hours per week (when not furloughed). And all the childcare. And I’d bet all the money in my bank account that you’re doing all the housework too.

You’re doing more hours than him, when you include childcare and housework. Just keep that in mind too.

[CinnabarRed]

Sorry - 25 hours per week of paid work. But the point still holds.

[Purplewithred]

You are burnt out, and you are unsupported if he spends 60 hrs + travel time at work, 6 hours of daytime asleep, and the rest of the time acting like a single man while you wrangle a shielding 9 year old + all the domestic duties.

What does he think marriage and fatherhood are? Just providing money? I hate to say it, but do you think you are ever going to get what you want and need from him in the way of emotional or practical support?

[Anxiousmummy2020]

Wow so I’m not being unreasonable then. He has made me feel like I’m lazy and he said we are a team he works hard and I do a good job with the children. And my standards are now slipping kids are on the iPads a lot the last month as im loosing the will to live so he thinks I’m being lazy. I’m laying on the sofa a lot as I feel like crying because I’m so burnt out and fed up. If I’m on my own I’ll still have the same amount to do with them so I’m worried it will be no different? And I would still feel burnt out? And he said I would struggle for money if we split as I only earn £900 a month so life would be harder. My mum thinks he is trying to manipulate me. But he sounds so reasonable when he tells me how hard he works so I can spend time with the kids (I wanted to work part time) I’ve spoken about working full time but I know he wouldn’t support me with helping with dc cooking cleaning etc so that would be a nightmare I think.

[Fidgety31]

If you left him. - don’t count on him having the kids so that you get tine out

If he doesn’t bother with them now then he might not bother if you split. You can’t force an absent parent to see their kids .
Mine haven’t for two Years so I have to do everything myself . The grass is not always greener .

[Fairenuff]

Instead of counting the hours you work, count how many hours of leisure you each have.

That is time to yourself with no other demands.

This is the time that you re-charge, doing whatever makes you happy, so he might go jogging or watch tv, you can visit your friends/family, have a relaxing bath, read a book, whatever.

[Heismyopendoor]

I would ask him to leave. You’ve spoke about it with him several times and he’s not changed. This is how your life is going to be. Yes you will be more alone, but hopefully you’ll have a proper break when the kids are with him. And if he decides not to see the kids, then I’m sure you’ll still feel a whole lot better then you do now. No one moaning at you, no one being annoyed at you, no one telling you to be more affectionate, less clothes to wash, and on and on.

I feel you like would be a lot happier if he did leave.

[TwentyViginti]

He's using you as housekeeper and 24/7 nanny. If you split, he'd have to pay towards his DC. You'd get breaks when he has them for EOW or whatever. He's manipulating you to keep the status quo to keep his life as it is.

[Anxiousmummy2020]

Also we could cut back he doesn’t need to work those hours but he works out the budget he won’t let me help, he likes money for luxuries. He said he will only let me help with the budget if I put in 3,000 a month like him. I said fine he does the school runs then and I’ll work a 9-5 but he didn’t like that idea

[category12]

Have a look at what you'd get by way of support as a single parent (the entitled to website, and the child support calculator on the gov.uk site).

If all he brings to your family unit is money, is that really enough?

[Mmsnet101]

You aren't asking too much at all. He just doesn't get it, either because he doesn't want to or because he's so selfish he can't see past his own tiredness and needs.

When he is at home, can you not just leave the kids with him while you go a walk alone? Don't ask, just tell him you are off and leave him to it for an hour or so. The priority is to give you a bit of headspace at the moment as it does sound like you are at breaking point.

Pull back on housework, washings etc and give yourself a break too. If he doesn't like it, he can pitch in like he should already be doing. Don't let him make you feel bad for not coping, a good partner would have your back and be stepping up not blaming you.

[category12]

He's sounds a right domineering nob, tbh. Potentially financially abusive if he won't share control over the finances.

[Anxiousmummy2020]

I keep my wages for myself now as I don’t know where the money is going to that makes him more annoyed. I pay for everything to do with dc out of that though and my car phone etc and pay for a family holiday each year. I hate the money being separate but it’s the only way I have any say over it

[Heismyopendoor]

Do you own your house, or rent? Joint names?

On £900 a month you would be entitled to universal credit. You can do a calculation online and see what you would be entitled to. Then once the kids are older look at full time roles.

[Anxiousmummy2020]

I stopped making my money into the joint account 6 months ago now as he didn’t let me have access to it he said it was all for bills when I needed some for dc

[Anxiousmummy2020]

*putting not making

[LeslieYep]

My thoughts are that if you left for a while (he doesn't need to know it's temporary or whatever) you wouldn't notice he was missing plus, you wouldn't have that agonising churning day in day out wondering what to do.
You have taken control and would feel better.
If you did split and he wasn't interested in the kids, he would certainly have to contribute to their upbringing.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Do your children ever say anything about daddy?

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

He is trying to Manipulate you.

Things to do:

1. Make sure you have your own bank account and have child benefit go into it.
   
2. Go on entitledto.com and find out how much help you would receive.
   
3. Work out what child maintenance figure would be from him of he has the children a) one night a
   

Week, b) 2 nights a week and other possibilities.

Then, so he said he would leave did he? Have a conversation with him about what that would look like If that was the decision you both eventually came to. He would have to have the children on x days and be responsible for everything on those days. What child maintenance he would pay. What activities he would be responsible for. Homework on those days. Half the child care costs, half school uniform costs, half activities etc etc.

Sounds like he doesnt want to do anything at all.

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

I took so long to type my reply he is now also, from your updates, financially abusive.

Time to get out.

[TwentyViginti]

So he's hiding the finances from you too. Ridiculous you couldn't get access to your JOINT account. Are you quite sure he's not seeing someone else?