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Views of using porn in a relationship?

(60 Posts)
itsme333 Sun 12-Jul-20 08:15:23

Just that really. What are you views on it?
I know some (and after a long time thinking about it, me) feel like it's a form of cheating. I wouldn't invite someone else into my bedroom and not speak to them or touch them but watch them do things to get me off. But what are your views?

Just to add, I'm not asking for a criticism of my views, it's each to their own. Just want to get a bigger picture of what people think of it

OP’s posts: |
Caramel78 Sun 12-Jul-20 08:24:35

I use it very occasionally (probably less than once a month) to help me get off quicker when I’m alone.
My DP said he never watches it anymore as he finds it boring now and he prefers his own imagination. He watched it a lot when he was younger until about the age of 28.
If he was using it then I would rather not know too much about it and I wouldn’t want him using it too often. If it was now and again and he wasn’t watching anything extreme then i wouldn’t mind.
I had an ex partner who used it multiple time’s a day and was watching some very graphic horrible stuff. I ended the relationship over it as he clearly had some sort of addiction to it and it was affecting our sex life. He would have preferred to wank over porn then have sex with me and I deserved better than that.

itsme333 Sun 12-Jul-20 09:02:07

@Caramel78
Thankyou. I know my partner does it but tries to hide it. I'm aware everyone has different views, I don't like it and he knows this. It's doesn't affect our sex life but I feel the way I feel as I started in the first post. I haven't asked him not to do it as I think that's wrong. I just don't know how to go about it.

OP’s posts: |
FrogMarchJune Sun 12-Jul-20 09:03:45

I think it's disgusting.

cosycatsocks Sun 12-Jul-20 09:09:17

You can't buy consent. Porn is rape. It is often violent and misogynistic. It is vanishingly rare for it to be non commercial, non violent, and non harmful.

Why would you want to watch the abuse of fellow humans?

FrogMarchJune Sun 12-Jul-20 09:11:26

So you think its a form of cheating?

You don't have to ask him to stop but equally you don't have to be with a man who watches porn...which i hear is quite rare. You can accept it, turn a blind, let him know how you feel and hope he stops. If he doesnt stop what will you do then?

To me it's a moral and ethical issue that if we dont align as a couple its a deal breaker. Is it a deal breaker for you?

Even if you end up single, trouble is the guys dont always fess up early on to watching it. You sometimes end up finding out just as the relation became more comfortable/serious and by then it feels like you have invested too much to walk away.. nevermind if you have a home and children together. And this porn shit is fucking everywhere.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Sun 12-Jul-20 09:18:48

I love using porn and I'm certainly not going to change my wanking habits for any partner.

I think anyone who agrees to do so has an issue with boundaries tbh.

itsme333 Sun 12-Jul-20 09:20:48

@FrogMarchJune
I've told him my views and he said he won't, I didn't ask him not to but I said similar to what you've said where as it's my choice to be with him or not if he carries on. I don't want it to come to that but I also don't want to be with someone who watches porn

OP’s posts: |
itsme333 Sun 12-Jul-20 09:23:23

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation
As I've said, it's each person to their own. It's also personal choice to stay with someone or not if they do it and you don't agree with it

OP’s posts: |
Aria2015 Sun 12-Jul-20 09:23:58

Honestly I try not to think about it. I have no idea if my dh watches it. I've never 'caught him' in the over 15 years we've been together so if he does, he's very discreet. I don't love the idea of him watching it but I don't think of it as cheating. I'd only bother to try and dig a bit if I ever suspected porn was causing of any sexual issues between us but we don't have really have any issues in that department apart from the usual juggling a young family, tiredness and sex.

Closetbeanmuncher Sun 12-Jul-20 09:54:52

Only you can set the boundaries for your relationship, and decide what's a deal-breaker for you.

If it started getting in the way if my needs bring met I would have a problem with it.

If they were watching stuff where the women were being choked, slapped, spat on however (which unfortunately is the way it seems to be going even mainstream), then I would be incredibly turned off.

I do think many men haven't a clue what we like in the bedroom because they learn their "skills" from it, which is incredibly sad especially given the rise in sexual violence within the content.

Sidenote:

Dear men, our clits are not a scratch card, and please done even think about putting your hands on my neck unless you want my thumbs in your eye sockets.

Thanks.

SkinnyChicky Sun 12-Jul-20 10:01:16

" It is vanishingly rare for it to be non commercial, non violent, and non harmful. "

Nonsense. With the growth of free porn on the internet the majority of the porn these days is not 'professional' anymore.

HalloBrian Sun 12-Jul-20 10:04:03

I don't know if I view it as cheating but I think porn is detrimental to real life sexual intimacy and fulfillment, and more importantly, I think is an abusive, exploitative industry that harms the people in it. So we dont use porn in this house.

stellabelle Sun 12-Jul-20 10:05:17

I think it is horrible - I certainly don't "need" to watch other people having sex, in order to improve my own sex life. I actually like making love with my DH which is nothing to do with perving on other people doing it.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep Sun 12-Jul-20 10:10:16

Ffs all this porn is rape! The vast majority of porn actors/actresses have made a decision to do it for the money. That's not rape imv try telling that to an actual rape victim it's a fucking insult.

I don't watch porn nor does my partner, but it's not filmed rape an actual filmed rape is something very different

tarasmalatarocks Sun 12-Jul-20 10:22:24

Let’s face it, back pre smart phones, if many of us were with someone who popped videos on 4 times a week or got out dirty mags we would have wondered who the hell we were married to , the fact it’s easy, quick and can be secret seems to have normalised it to extent that many guys think we are all fine with it , I have no issues if it’s all known about , not secret and kept to a moderate level , I do have an issue when men lie, hide it and develop huge habits

itsme333 Sun 12-Jul-20 11:19:35

I've got no personal views on porn for what it is, I just don't think (personal opinion) that it's for me, or what I want a person to be watching while I'm in a relationship. I do genuinely view it that he might aswel invite a stranger off the street who wants to do things while he watches and wanks off, but he can't touch or talk to them. Personally don't see a difference. We've spoken about it and he says he has a different opinion than me

OP’s posts: |
Ginplease29 Sun 12-Jul-20 12:06:22

The problem is that you can tell him your views on it and ask him not to but you can’t actually stop him. Loads of men use porn and some women too. I have sometimes watched it to masturbate to. It’s up to the individual. If you have a good sex life and he’s a lovely guy in other ways then I wouldn’t worry too much about it. It doesn’t mean he prefers porn to you, he’s just getting off. It’s just a means to an end, there’s no connection etc.

I don’t get how people are saying all porn is rape, most of the women have huge fake boobs that they purchased for the very purpose of making porn and are paid to do so. If people didn’t want porn then it wouldn’t be all over the internet.

PumpkinP Sun 12-Jul-20 12:12:09

It wouldn’t bother me if a partner watched it, good luck finding a man that doesn’t!

oofadoofa Sun 12-Jul-20 12:48:09

@cosycatsocks
Some giant leaps of logic there, thinking something doesn't make it so.
You sound mental and boring.

cosycatsocks Sun 12-Jul-20 13:09:25

Oh yay the porn apologists are out in force.

The porn industry is worth more than $15 billion a year. So it is certainly commercial, and certainly not consenting amateurs at home doing it for fun.

You can only believe that a womans consent can be purchased if you think her body and consent is a commodity to be sold. If you think a woman is an actual human then consent can not be bought. And sex without consent is rape.

Violence in porn has increased massively. Over 80% of sciences feature violence against women. We have seen a rise in the rough sex defence for murder linked to increasingly violent porn.

Erectile dysfunction has also increased from excessive porn use. Young men are behaving like porn actors thinking that is what sex is like...

Women with perfectly good bodies are feeling pressured into lip fillers, labioplastys, breast enlargements, anus whitening etc all to be acceptable to porn sick men.

And thats before we even get into trafficking and coercion which is rife.

It is a nasty toxic industry that is doing the world, and particularly women, no favours.

oofadoofa Sun 12-Jul-20 13:12:19

Zzzzz

cosycatsocks Sun 12-Jul-20 13:15:24

Good come back, well done 👏

oofadoofa Sun 12-Jul-20 13:17:13

@cosycatsocks

You just seemed to confirm all the points already made in my first comment.

tarasmalatarocks Sun 12-Jul-20 13:22:35

I don’t see it as rape, I don’t see it as cheating, I do see it as disrespectful and sleazy if it becomes a multiple times a week habit , unless it’s something both parties in a relationship don’t have an issue with at all and it’s been discussed and there is some honesty about it.

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