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Do I stop him seeing his son?

(62 Posts)
hidingfrommyself1 Sat 11-Jul-20 14:12:22

Name changed for this as I have friends on here and no one knows what's really going on.

I'm married with a son I tried for a very long time for and he was conceived after many rounds of ivf. My husband had 2 kids before me and is older than me by almost 10 years. When I met him he said he'd have 1 more as he didn't want to deprive me of being a mother but he would only ever have one. I accepted this and was genuinely ok with it, I never thought I'd have any children so I was grateful to have my boy.

My husband asked if I would be sterilised and I said no. I only have one child and whilst I accept that's all I have I wasn't mentally ready to completely shut that door, I said he has 3 children now and definitely doesn't want anymore so he should get the snip instead. He agreed but, despite my nagging never called the doctor.

Well the unexpected happened and I got pregnant again. I'm due very soon and my husband has been vile.. he's made clear he doesn't want this child and I made it clear I wouldn't be getting rid. I thought maybe he'd come round to the idea but he's dead set on having nothing to do with this baby. Our marriage is over. There is no going back on what's he's done/said to me the last few months.

I can deal with all of the above, I don't need him nor want him anymore. I'll leave with my babies as soon as I can and I'll be fine I have an amazing family and tonnes of support so I'll never struggle. But what it's breaking me and what I absolutely cannot deal with is the idea that he wants to continue to see my eldest son but is refusing to even acknowledge the baby.. so I've said, in anger, that he is either a father to my children or is he not. He will not pick and chose they are his children and he sees them both, or neither at all.

I cannot stand the idea of when both children are older than he comes for one and ignores the other. What do I tell the youngest when that time comes, do I lie and say he doesn't have a daddy? Or do I genuinely stop him seeing both children if he won't acknowledge one?

I haven't told any of my family or friends any of this yet. Because I'm just so ashamed, lockdown has made it very easy to hide away from everyone. I feel so much guilt for bringing a poor child into this but after every thing I've been through I could never of considered abortion (not that I disagree with it at all, it's right for some people).

No matter what I do It'll end in hurt somehow.. it feels like I genuinely cannot win or even find a happy medium.

OP’s posts: |
MummyToPrince Sat 11-Jul-20 18:47:08

I'm so so sorry you are going through this sending love and hugs!

Personally I think what you are doing is the right thing to do, he either sees both of his children or none! If he only wants to see 1 child your other child will feel jealous, hurt and neglected! He chose to not get the snip, he's either going to be a man and step up to both of his children or none! Keep smiling your doing an amazing job :-) xx

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood Sat 11-Jul-20 18:50:55

I also think you're doing the right thing. It will be damaging in the long term for your youngest to know his father only wanted the eldest.

I was not at all surprised to hear he didnt have the snip. Sounded Like he just wanted to make sure you couldnt have another child.

Embracelife Sat 11-Jul-20 18:52:07

Well your baby won't have any clue till they are a year or more.
So don't deny your older child the right to see his father just yet.
You had the baby and claim child maintenance then arrange mediation and have what he says witnessed. Then take it from there.
Make sure to claim for both kids

Sunnydayshereatlast Sat 11-Jul-20 18:53:20

If he took you to court for access to just the oldest and explained - if he can - why he won't see the youngest - I don't think he would be judged as a decent df and would get nowt...
Cms for both remember op..

Sally872 Sat 11-Jul-20 19:00:14

I strongly believe mothers should allow access after split (unless abuse).

But in this case I really agree with you. Give him the choice of both children or none. In a practical sense I don't know what the court would say.
It is so cruel hopefully he will see sense. Sorry you are dealing with this.

BlessYourCottonSocks Sat 11-Jul-20 19:01:51

He sees both, or none.

When ex-H and I split up we had three children and he repeatedly suggested he just come and take the eldest out (who was the easiest and his favourite). He then tried saying he couldn't cope with the littlest one - but I told him he had three children and he could see all or none of them.

He caved in. I don't know whether your ex will - but it is absolutely fine to stick to your guns.

SoulofanAggron Sat 11-Jul-20 19:02:36

I think you're right, it would be damaging for your youngest if they knew their dad didn't want to know, and he shouldn't be able to choose to see one and reject the other.

I hope he changes his mind. Either way, he's a wanker. xx

sadpapercourtesan Sat 11-Jul-20 19:03:32

Make the bastard explain himself in court if he wants access. And make sure he pays his dues for both children whether he's seeing them or not.

What an absolute shit trumpet he is.

Purpleartichoke Sat 11-Jul-20 19:05:18

Only wanting to see one of his children is not ok. It will be damaging for both of your children if you allow it.

You do have the caveat that realistically, he can’t have the same custody schedule with a younger child as with a newborn. If he is
Willing to do a graduated plan with the new baby, I would allow that because he shouldn’t lose out on parenting time with one just because he can’t have the younger for as long.

But it doesn’t sound like he will agree to that either, so I wouldn’t send either kid for any length of time.

Soontobe60 Sat 11-Jul-20 19:05:40


Well your baby won't have any clue till they are a year or more.
So don't deny your older child the right to see his father just yet.
You had the baby and claim child maintenance then arrange mediation and have what he says witnessed. Then take it from there.
Make sure to claim for both kids

I agree with this. Presumeably you have a relationship with his family too? Things could change drastically in the next few months.

ohwhattodowithmylife Sat 11-Jul-20 19:06:21

You sound amazing, I agree it's both or neither.
What he is doing is abuse, emotional abuse to you and your children.
Good luck x

PeppaPigMakesMeGrrrrr Sat 11-Jul-20 19:08:47

He sounds like shit.
However, I would worry that if he reluctantly agreed to see both children, he may then treat the oldest one more favourably and this would have an even worse effect on the youngest one.
Feel you for OP. A horrible situation to be in.

titchy Sat 11-Jul-20 19:09:14

What everyone else said. although I'd consider it abusive to the older one as well as the younger. Setting up a golden child vs scapegoat scenario.

babycakes1010 Sat 11-Jul-20 19:13:07

What a cunt...sorry but he isn't to dictate...take care of yourself

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo Sat 11-Jul-20 19:13:23

You'll be punishing the eldest child if you stop him from seeing his dad and tbh for the first few years your baby won't have a clue.

It's a tricky one but no, I don't think you should stop contact with his eldest child. That's purely because it will punish the child. In the meantime grey rock the hell out of him. And if you can move out now to stay with family then do it.

TimeWastingButFun Sat 11-Jul-20 19:19:38

I'm not sure I'd trust him with a baby he's shown such vitriol against. As someone else said you have a while yet, have keep things as they are then see how things develop.

user1481840227 Sat 11-Jul-20 19:54:06

Yes you should stop contact. I can't see it would be workable in those circumstances.

A couple of posters said that stopping contact would punish your eldest....but surely he would be exposed to significant emotional harm if he sees his dad and his younger sibling doesn't.

Your older child could be very confused. Surely he knows who the babies daddy is....or will ask soon enough. Will you be expected to lie to your eldest to avoid confusion about why his dad doesn't want to see or meet his other child!

The long term effects could be awful for both children if that plan went ahead. The eldest could feel a lot of guilt and God knows what other confusing emotions....the youngest will think there's something wrong with them.

Their sibling relationship could suffer from irreparable damage!

user1481840227 Sat 11-Jul-20 19:57:17

Do you have a good relationship with his other kids? Does he expect the eldest to have a relationship with his older kids and none with the youngest?

Do you have a civil relationship with the mother? If it were me I would tell her the situation and ask can you come to an arrangement to facilitate a relationship with her children.

rvby Sat 11-Jul-20 21:01:35

You can't really allow him to see either child. If you allowed eldest only, it would damage him as well as new baby. If you insisted on both going to him, youngest would be at risk. It's a no win situation that isnt in the best interests of either child.

I think I'd leave and start over with both children and never see your ex again. Its absolutely horrible but he has made it impossible. Ex will have to go to court and explain himself tbh. Just my opinion though - might be best to consult a family law solicitor, perhaps get a few opinions. It's an extremely tricky scenario.

Sunnydayshereatlast Sat 11-Jul-20 21:09:00

Judges deem sibling relationships in high regard. Looking at the future relationship of your dc with each other would figure in a judges decision..

billy1966 Sat 11-Jul-20 21:10:54

What a nasty piece of work.

YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.

Please tell those that care about you what an absolute prick your husband has been and continues to be.

hidingfrommyself1 Sat 11-Jul-20 21:25:41

I spend my nights awake going over every scenario and I do accept that it wouldn't be fair on my eldest to stop him seeing his dad and I never dreamed I'd be the kind of person who even considered stopping access. Being a child who was used as a pawn in my parents divorce I swore I would never ever come between my son and his dad no matter what but as someone mentioned there isn't an outcome which won't hurt/damage one of them.. how do you chose which one to hurt? Which is why I decided all or morning.

Those who say I shouldn't stop him seeing our eldest.. what do I say to my youngest when he's old enough, when he asks who his daddy is? Do I lie? Or do I say basically he is but he doesn't want to see you. I feel like stopping it all I can say I've treated them both the same and fair.

He adores our eldest son. I cannot fault him as a father to him and he has said he would fight me if I stopped him seeing him and he would but I don't know how courts would view the situation? I can't force him to be a father to a child he doesn't want. But I strongly feel that he should be accountable for his actions. There isn't a single person we spoke whilst I was pregnant after ivf that didn't say you watch you'll fall naturally after all this. Every doctor/nurse/midwife has said it.. and I told him he cannot rely on the fact I couldn't have children as a way of preventing anymore. I was accepting of the risk.. and he knew this. If he wasn't he should of acted on his agreement to get the snip!

I don't have a relationship with my husbands family, he barely has one himself, ive met his mum twice in 8 years. She has never met our son, none of his family have. So they are no help.

OP’s posts: |
user1481840227 Sat 11-Jul-20 21:47:48

You're not really choosing which one to hurt, the eldest would be harmed emotionally even if he got to see his dad.

I can't even imagine a situation like that where my eldest would go to his dad and leave his little sister at home. He'd feel so guilty for going and seeing her face being sad that she wasn't allowed to go. He wouldn't be able to mention his dad at home or what they got up to. He would probably feel ashamed coming home knowing his sister hadn't got to go...guilt for being the favourite and so on. It would open up a whole world of complex emotions that he shouldn't have to deal with and feel things he shouldn't have to feel because none of it would be his fault.

Sorry I meant do you have a civil relationship with his ex, the mother of his other 2 kids? ..not his own mother

hidingfrommyself1 Sat 11-Jul-20 22:08:44

@user1481840227 I have a better relationship with his ex than he does. I don't like her but I get on with her and I tend to be the one who she comes to with problems etc. She would facilitate a relationship with the children. She makes a lot of effort with my son and seems to genuinely have an interest in him as he's related to her children. I hadn't really considered a relationship between them.. I was consumed with the relationship with their dad but yes I'd like to try and make sure they see their other siblings.

OP’s posts: |

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