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found out my ex has aspergers

(8 Posts)
jinniefromtheblock Sat 11-Jul-20 12:55:44

A friend recently informed me my ex has been diagnosed with high-functioning autism/asperger's. Finally everything makes sense!

last year I broke up with my him because I thought he was emotionally manipulative and abusive. My friends convinced me he was a narcissist because he lacked empathy he always made me feel bad for being emotional. when I wanted to have a heart to heart he would just be uncomfortable and close up. he only ever wanted to solve our issues if it was based on rationale.

But his diagnosis explains everything! The narcissist description didn't entirely fit. Yes, he lacked empathy and came across as insensitive but I now don't think it was malicious, he just didn't understand. Looking back, his actions were not controlling or manipulative. He was always very one-dimensional and thrived on structure and familiarity (whereas narcissists would normally flip into different modes and thrive on chaos). He was completely stable but had super high intelligence, but low emotional intelligence.

I now feel so so guilty for being so convinced he was a narcissist and for accusing him of such. If I'd have known of his condition I may have thought about his actions differently and not took everything so personally.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Sat 11-Jul-20 14:07:02

Aspergers and abusive (or even narcissistic) aren't mutually exclusive. He could be both. Or he could have manipulated (or invented) a diagnosis to excuse his abusive actions.

He made you miserable and would have ruined your life. You did well to get away. Don't take him back.

PicsInRed Sat 11-Jul-20 14:08:17

I would be careful that the mutual friend isn't a "flying monkey" for some "hoovering". Listen to your friends. They sound like good ones.

Ducky1900 Sat 11-Jul-20 14:10:17

Feel for you, my other half also has aspergers. It's mild, but some things he does or comes out with, sometimes makes people a bit shocked.
We've been together 7 years now, one toddler and one on the way, and he's a great dad, and a better partner than he was when we first got together.
He's really chilled out now.

My family always used to struggle with him, but now they've got to know him, it's all round much better relationships.

RLEOM Sat 11-Jul-20 15:51:53

My ex is on the spectrum. I loved him very much and he was a great partner in many ways. But he lacked in the important skills for a relationship to thrive and, despite being on the spectrum myself, he refused to acknowledge nor work on the areas he - we - struggled with.

In the end, he ended up having an affair when our daughter was born and would get a kick out of flirting with her in front of me. I left after 3 months. He's had no empathy towards what he's done, he's refused to discuss what he's done, and refuses to say sorry. If there's any problems, he wont communicate, will just treat me like I don't exist. It's been heartbreaking to go through being treated like that by someone you love and wanted a future with.

So no, even if you did understand him, it wouldn't have necessarily have changed the outcome.

AIMD Sat 11-Jul-20 16:33:51

Does it really matter now? The relationship didn’t work and by the sounds of it you didn’t get what you needed from him as a partner. Does it matter why now that it is history?

Don’t mean it to sound harsh but I think things like this just need to be left in the past, I wouldn’t over think it. Maybe when you come across people with similar behaviours you might just be more aware there might be various reasons for their behaviours.

Bunnymumy Sat 11-Jul-20 16:47:08

You sure thos isnt another manipulation?
Like pp said, from.a mutual friend he is using as a flying monkey.

Does he seem the sort that would have been interested in getting a diagnosis in the first place? (It isn't just a one off visit to the doc you know)

Either way, you can be autistic and not be an abusive cunt. Autism doesnt excuse such behaviour. Don't get sucked back in whatever happens. Take the opinion that either way, he is your examd it is no longer your business.

hoxtonbabe Sat 11-Jul-20 21:15:58

My ex was on the spectrum, told me from the off, and whilst there were some things I could put down to his autism, there were far more things that I could not pin on it. he would as that was his excuse for everything! the hell he put me through,If they had a gaslighting championship he would be the winner, the lies and manipulation especially with making sure he was seen in the good light by his people and intentionally leaving out key information of his wrongdoing so I was made out to be the cruel mean girlfriend that couldn’t understand him..

So if your ex was behaving like that , you “understanding him” would change nothing. I did that and all it meant was I kept giving him leeway for his bad behaviour for longer than I would have/should have, to the point he just took the piss in the end and didn’t even try and meet me in the middle so please don’t dwell on this, move on and be happy.

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