Confused ... six weeks in ..

[halfthesun]

Need some advice please. So I have been dating O for six weeks, we chatted a lot before meeting and then social distanced walks and have now have progressed. He has two young children who are with him about 80% of the time so sometimes a week has gone by without us seeing one another.

On Tuesday this week we both said we didn't want to date other people and deleted the app.

But just learnt he is child free and went out with friends last night ... then out again with them tonight and hasn't suggested another date with me. He is aware the days I am free and I have made it clear I would like to see him. He knew I was free last night and tonight.

Is it too soon for me to mention this? Or think that simply he isn't really into me despite the fact he says he is! TIA 😊

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

Get rid

[PumpkinP]

Ermmm it's been 6 weeks he is allowed to go out with his friends who he probably hasn't seen much, if you mentioned anything I think you would come across as controlling . He doesn't have to spend all his free time with you.

[AlternativePerspective]

You’re only six weeks in and you feel he should already be spending all his child-free time with you? This should set alarm bells ringing.... for him....

Seriously, the man isn’t obliged to spend all of his free time with you, given it’s so early in he should definitely still maintain his friendships because there is no knowing at this stage where any relationship is headed.

[PumpkinP]

Get rid?? Mn is bonkers. If this was a man posting about the woman going out with her friends he would get called controlling and people would say it was a red flag

[halfthesun]

Nope I certainly don't think he should be spending all his child free time with me - but just thought maybe he could have found some time yesterday or today.

My problem is I have been dating for a while and typically this is the first guy I would really like to know ... I should be more patient / chilled and see how it goes ... thanks

[TwentyViginti]

You're not a priority to him - so don't make him yours. See your friends, don't wait for him to call the shots on seeing you.

A lot of men with DC will use them as an excuse to not see you when they'd rather be out with mates tbh.

Maybe look for someone who wants to spend more time with you - don't sell yourself short.

[Techway]

Don't judge his words, look at his actions.

If he isn't planning to see you then you are lower on his priorities. That's maybe fine for early days but it might not suit you especially as your expectation is to have regular dates. I don't think you are unreasonable as he seems keener to fit you around his priorities. That said I have a job, dc and would struggle to date anyone regularly even if I like them so it could be a mismatch of lifestyles.

Do you have dc?

[Smallsteps88]

I think what you need to remember here is that we are still in lockdown and lots of people aren’t just now seeing it friends for the first time in months. So it’s normal that he will be seeing friends. I wouldn’t be passing up on seeing my friends after 4 months for someone I’d been dating just 6 weeks.

[Smallsteps88]

are just now

[Nymeriastark1]

@Smallsteps88

I think what you need to remember here is that we are still in lockdown and lots of people aren’t just now seeing it friends for the first time in months. So it’s normal that he will be seeing friends. I wouldn’t be passing up on seeing my friends after 4 months for someone I’d been dating just 6 weeks.

^ this.

[WeakandWobbly]

@PumpkinP the first thing mumsnetters jump to is... Get rid!! 😂

[halfthesun]

Thank you! I do have children but aged 18 and 15 so out with their mates or home on X Box, hence I have lots of flexibility and time to over think!

I sent him an upbeat message wishing him a fun night - turns out he is meeting his friends at 8 and was hoping I might be free to see him at 6 ... so a walk is planned 😊

[PumpkinP]

I don't really get what he has done wrong ! In normal times I would probably understand more, but we have been in lockdown for months. The op has only known him 6 weeks and expects to be top of his list! It's a wonder anyone on mn manage s to have relationships when they say to get rid over the smallest things !

[halfthesun]

Hmmm think I explained I don't expect to be top of his list but this is the first time he has been without his children for a couple of days and just hoped we would meet up.

Anyhow, as mentioned above we are meeting up later. Plus really helpful advice of friends v person you've know for six weeks as I completely agree, wouldn't not go on a girls night out for all the tea in China

[crimsonlake]

I can understand you may be disappointed to learn he has not made time for you. Give it some more time and see how things go.

[Weetabixandcrumpets]

Lovely and have a super time.
Little bit of advice if you don't mind, please make sure you aren't purely arranging your time around him (always available so he gets to pick and choose). It is very early days, but he should be as keen as you x

[TwentyViginti]

Well, maybe I'm a Diva, but I'd be pissed off to be offered a mere walk before he went off out on a jolly with his mates!

Heed advice, and don't be too available to him.

[itsureis]

I've thought this before - "why are you out with friends when you could be with me ?" Ridiculous now when I think about it but he was messaging me whilst he was out asking what I was doing 🤷‍♀️
Anyway - I was never a priority for him, ever, so eventually it fizzled out.

I think we have a tendency to want to be with new people all the time so we can get to know them quickly .... but everyone has lives before us so just try and be cool about things.

I would be worried that you've posted this question on MN ?? Doesn't sound like you've much confidence in him, or yourself.

And those saying that he's probably not seen his friends in months ?! He's been out with someone new so I'm sure he's seen his friends, just maybe not to the pub 😬

[halfthesun]

@Weetabixandcrumpets

Lovely and have a super time.
Little bit of advice if you don't mind, please make sure you aren't purely arranging your time around him (always available so he gets to pick and choose). It is very early days, but he should be as keen as you x

Thank you for this ... I haven't cancelled anything for him but have always been free. Guess I'll just see how it goes and try not to overthink 🤯

[pictish]

I think you’re being a little unreasonable as everyone has friends to catch up with atm...but note it and let him do the arranging and organising.
Agree with the person who said that you shouldn’t just always be available for him when it suits his schedule. He’ll get used to that and before you know it, it’s all about him.
Good luck.

[halfthesun]

I would be worried that you've posted this question on MN ?? Doesn't sound like you've much confidence in him, or yourself.

Tbh I don't have much confidence in myself - have asked MN for plenty of advice in past ten years .... always take comments on board to help me with situations.

I have been to therapy about lack of confidence but still struggle. Looooong back story about controlling ex husband who had an affair with my friend ....... doesn't do much for your self esteem

[Pebblexox]

It's not even that's it's too soon for you to mention it. It's just silly really. He's entitled to time with him friends, and given the situation we're coming out of, he possibly hasn't seen them for months at a time.
If you like him, move on from this.

[itsureis]

Sorry to hear that .... and I hope the therapy is working with helping you feel stronger to deal with relationships again.
You will find someone who you won't be second guessing and feel confident with but I hope all goes well this this guy x

[TwentyViginti]

Hope he hasn't picked up on your lack of confidence and will use that to his advantage.

As I said - I wouldn't be happy to feel slotted into a couple of spare hours before he meets his mates. I would have declined and told him I'd wait until he has a full evening free.

[AlternativePerspective]

“I’ve just started seeing this bloke about six weeks ago. We’ve been on walks etc together and things appear to be going well. This weekend I have a chance to go and see friends, it is, after all, only a week since pubs etc were re-opened. Now he’s saying that I should have arranged to be with him rather than see my friends and he thinks I’m not making him a priority.”

Yeah, I’m sure the mn response would be “YABU, you should be making time for him, I could understand if he ended things.” Not.

As usual, double standards....