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Did your abusive ex remain abusive in their next relationships?

(50 Posts)
WhoamI83 Sat 11-Jul-20 08:49:13

Just wondering this.

For anyone who has succeeded in divorcing their abusive husband, did they go on and be abusive in their next relationships?

Did that stop them being interested in you?

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 11-Jul-20 09:26:33

How would we know though, if they went on to be abusive to their next partner?

Sunnydayshereatlast Sat 11-Jul-20 09:37:38

Exh has not had another relationship since I left in 2007 .
Unless you count paid company..
envy not envy..

sunshinesheila Sat 11-Jul-20 09:38:44

I know of many abusive men... apart from one all the rest have repeated similar abuse in the next relationships. And I don't know for sure about that 1.
I generally think that if someone is aggressive and abusive that is not gonna change unless they put lots of work into changing. And I would be pushed to find one I would believe had really changed.

PicsInRed Sat 11-Jul-20 09:43:22

Yes, he's already abusing the next one. Also her pets.

Did that stop them being interested in you?

I'm hoping this will be the case eventually... not yet though. Apparently he can multitask. hmm

Saladd0dger Sat 11-Jul-20 09:44:35

Yes but she’s much more abusive than he is. Turning up to pick our daughter up with a black eye more than once.

Meruem Sat 11-Jul-20 09:45:20

I’ve been in serious relationships with 2 abusive men over the years. I don’t know what happened in their next relationships but I did find out that both had been abusive to partners they’d had before me. I doubt either of them ever addressed their issues so I’d say it was a pretty solid bet that they were abusive to the next partner.

ACNH Sat 11-Jul-20 09:45:42

Yes - he wasn’t ever interested in me.

GracieLane Sat 11-Jul-20 09:50:45

Yes, and I found out afterwards they had both been violent to ex partners before me too. They have both subsequently been convicted of domestic violence against new partners but still occasionally start harassing me again

WhoamI83 Sat 11-Jul-20 09:51:53

I’m just wondering because if mine gets another then the children will still be witness to abuse, just another women.
I’m also hoping he gets another as then he might leave me alone.

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Eesha Sat 11-Jul-20 09:57:55

Both my exes 2 girlfriends after me called the police on him. Both were besotted initially but turned into a mess afterwards.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Sat 11-Jul-20 10:00:48

Take as much control as you can. Have a business email for him just for children, and don't engage with him unless it's about arrangements for the children. If necessary get a non molestation order if he is harassing or threatening you. Sitting around waiting for him to abuse someone else is not the best strategy

WhoamI83 Sat 11-Jul-20 10:06:53

I am safe at the moment and have things in place. He says he is giving me space so maybe I will get back with him but has told me he is on dating websites.....never going to happen, me getting back with him.
I don’t see how anyone could love this man.....but then I did so he will probably trap another poor women!

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BlingLoving Sat 11-Jul-20 10:25:50

Bil is emotionally not physically abusive. I spend a LOT of time wondering how I could get details if his ex. Because there were all these stories about her behaviour.... but now I am fairly certain she would tell a v different story.

Dontknowwhyidoit Sat 11-Jul-20 10:36:05

In my experience, yes they do go on to be abusive in the next relationship as its how they behave. By thinking that they wouldn't is to think that it was our fault and our responsibility. If you have a fear that he will do this in front of your children then you need to be able to talk to your children about this and reassure them that if they are ever not comfortable with him, you will do your best to resolve it. Can you get in touch with a solicitor and explain your fears and see if you could get his time with them restricted to either a visitation centre or no over nights etc. If you have not long left the relationship, you should try to focus on yourself and building up your support networks and try not to worry yet about what he might do with future partners. 💐

WhoamI83 Sat 11-Jul-20 10:40:23

Yes @Dontknowwhyidoit I guess in thinking that is a stupid question. I think I’m still struggling with the notion I was abused. I have issues with my own behaviour and linking it with being abused.

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WhoamI83 Sat 11-Jul-20 10:43:11

I guess he is waiting on me hoping I will change my mind as he has put a lot of work in me to become subservient. Another women would require him to be nice and it takes time and effort!

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PicsInRed Sat 11-Jul-20 11:15:56

I’m just wondering because if mine gets another then the children will still be witness to abuse, just another women.

I hoped that mine wouldn't witness further abuse, but sadly there is plenty to witness with the next woman.

I’m also hoping he gets another as then he might leave me alone.

Hoped this too, but it doesn't seem to work that way.

Emeraldshamrock Sat 11-Jul-20 11:20:49

Yes. It has been 20 years since we broke up he was a vicious psychopath double my age 19 vs 37.
He would turn into an unrecognisable animal nothing could calm him down.
He hospitalised her a few times, he battered women before me they have 4 DC she was an only child.
I still have nightmares about him.
I often think of her.

WhoamI83 Sat 11-Jul-20 11:21:45

I read of something called narcissistic injury. Because I was the one who left I will be in for revenge!!

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Emeraldshamrock Sat 11-Jul-20 11:25:53

Stay strong it is a horrible situation, stay strong.
I know it is very hard the paranoia of then returning or questioning yourself takes it's toll.

Doyoumind Sat 11-Jul-20 11:29:06

Yes, mine is abusive to his current partner and I know that from my DC sad. I don't think she has faced up to the reality of her situation yet.

He still causes trouble for me regularly.

Dullardmullard Sat 11-Jul-20 11:41:10

I was contacted by a lawyer when my ex beat up one of his girlfriends to give evidence in court over his abuse. He told her he’d do what he’d done to me to her and did.

One of his others, children were threatened to be beaten up by his son my son whom he hasn’t seen for years.

He was jailed eventually for DV as a judge saw through him. He threw an actual tantrum in court and threatened the judge. So no they do go on to be abusive again as they don’t change at all in my view.

Email contact for Your ex as someone above said do not engage unless it’s to do with the kids. Log everything in journal if he becomes abusive and report him every time to the police. It’ll get worse before it gets better be aware of that.

Redannie118 Sat 11-Jul-20 11:47:13

Yep- but she had a lot more sense than me and left after 6 months of marriage. Hes had several relationships since and none of them have lasted. He doesnt bother me anyone because he tried just after me and current DH got together- however current DH told him to back off or he would put him through a wall. As ex is a screaming, snivelling coward who only directs his rage at people who cant fight back( women, kids, shop assistants etc) he has been quiet as a mouse since. I have no doubt at all that if i was still single it would have continued

WhoamI83 Sat 11-Jul-20 12:20:13

All of these poor potential future victims sad

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