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Partner making excuses not to move

(80 Posts)
helpamummaout Fri 10-Jul-20 23:46:54

Wanted to move since the start of the year now, we have toddler twins and we have outgrown our house, to the point it's suffocating. The area isn't great and the schools even worse.
Before covid we discussed moving, we both wanted the same or so I thought, I got as far as having our house valued, was really excited and was asking him now what when he finished work, all of a sudden he said he wanted to put things on hold as he was worried about his job security?! It was the first I'd heard of it. Tbh there was no real reason he should be worried but I though fair enough I'll ease off a bit. Fast forward to now, things getting a bit more "Normal" I've broached then house subject again, start looking at houses we find ones we like, again all of a sudden loads of issues come up - "now isn't the right time - worried about job still - worried about the economy - too stressed with work". To begin with I said fair enough and asked if he could Atleast give me a little time frame so I felt I could have something to work towards, but he says he can't. I feel he may have some kind of anxiety about change as it took me so long to persuade him for us to go on holiday to Spain to visit grandparents in sept, we had to write pro's and cons lists and all sorts.
This house is in his name and I've saved my bum off to get half a deposit off so I can be on the next mortgage. I feel I don't have a say in anything, I'm feeling really frustrated and lost right now to the point I'm questioning the whole relationship. I may be being unreasonably which I will accept but please be kind.

OP’s posts: |
helpamummaout Fri 10-Jul-20 23:47:55

Oh just to add, I also asked if it's because he doesn't want a mortgage with me and he said of course he does. So I'm just at a total loss. Any advice welcome

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Dazedandconfused10 Sat 11-Jul-20 00:08:07

Now is a time to be concerned about job security ... I would not be moving if I did not have to and I dont think I am the only one.

DianaT1969 Sat 11-Jul-20 00:17:58

Could you cover the new mortgage and bills on your salary if he lost his job? If not, I wouldn't do it. Is your job secure?

BlessYourCottonSocks Sat 11-Jul-20 00:24:37

I think it's going to be really unsettled for the foreseeable future as far as jobs, inflation, cost of living, etc is concerned. To be honest I would be agreeing with your dp to just stay where you are for now until there is a clear picture of whether you can afford to move. It's not a good time for major upheavals like buying a bigger house.

dizzyprincess Sat 11-Jul-20 00:26:48

I think you need to respect his nervousness about this.

Maybe he is correct about his job insecurity.

How secure is you job?

You say you’ve been saving hard, I’d keep doing that for the next year or so. Schools won’t matter for a couple of years.

helpamummaout Sat 11-Jul-20 00:31:17

I think my issue is that the job thing was said before the whole covid situation with no reasoning behind it, so will I wait another 6 months when things are a bit more clearer then there be another reason why we can't move.
My job security is fine. I work part time for the NHS so no probably wouldn't be able to cover everything on my salary alone.

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dizzyprincess Sat 11-Jul-20 01:00:12

I’d plan on going fulltime once they have their free nursery hours.

That gives you a some time to look at moving before they start school.

AgentJohnson Sat 11-Jul-20 02:53:51

Please tell me you at least ring fenced your contribution to the deposit?

AnotherBoredOne Sat 11-Jul-20 03:15:40

Does a move mean changing jobs?

Aquamarine1029 Sat 11-Jul-20 03:20:27

Are you married? If not, I think he may not want to be financially entangled with you. He owns your current home, he holds the power.

helpamummaout Sat 11-Jul-20 06:16:21

My part of the deposit is in my own bank account.
No a move doesn't mean changing jobs we would be in the same town.
Well I asked him outright if it's because he didn't want a mortgage with me, he was shocked I thought that and said that really wasn't the case so I don't know what to think now.

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helpamummaout Sat 11-Jul-20 06:16:48

Oh and No we aren't married

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helpamummaout Sat 11-Jul-20 06:19:23

Just realised all the spelling mistakes in my first post, sorry was just trying to get it all off my chest!

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KatherineJaneway Sat 11-Jul-20 06:23:06

Sounds like he is making excuses to me.

Coffeecak3 Sat 11-Jul-20 06:29:38

Rishi Shunak has removed stamp duty on buying houses up to 500k until March next year so this is a good time to move if you have job security.

helpamummaout Sat 11-Jul-20 06:30:11

Yeah this is exactly what I said

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amymel2016 Sat 11-Jul-20 06:34:34

I think he’s right to be cautious OP, no ones job is safe, there will be cuts in pretty much every industry. No isn’t the time to land yourselves with a bigger mortgage. Hopefully in another 6 months/year things will be clearer.

Could you get on his mortgage now and put some of your deposit in so you have that security? Is there anything you can do in the short term to the house to make you feel happier?

SteelyPanther Sat 11-Jul-20 06:39:33

So you’re not married and the house is in his name ?
Hmm, I’d be a little bit concerned about that situation. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Coffeecak3 Sat 11-Jul-20 06:42:39

You could ask your dp if he'll add your name to current house title. It may clarify whether he doesn't want to move or if he doesn't want you to be entitled to a share of 'his house.

AdoreTheBeach Sat 11-Jul-20 06:53:41

We had estate agents around last week and the week before to value the house, thinking we’d go in the market (down sizing). Estate agents were saying they thinks it’s a property bubble right now (pre reduction stamp duty) and that there’ll be lots of redundancies come October when furlough ends. DH thought his job secure.

Friday email went out at work about consultations starting.

We’ll still move to take advantage of the reduction in stamp duty as we’re down sizing, will port the mortgage (what’s left as nearly paid off) but have cash to pay it and live off if DH is made redundant.

So think carefully about what your partner is saying before taking on a bigger mortgage. Changes are coming. There’s payment to be made for getting the country through the pandemic and it’s not sure how that’ll play out.

Can you extend instead? Loft conversion?

piethagoras Sat 11-Jul-20 06:54:22

Why does he have to justify to you why he DOESN'T want to move? There's a hint of controlling behaviour/bullying going on here.

madcatladyforever Sat 11-Jul-20 07:06:10

I think it would be wise to wait a while, the economy and housing market is really up in the air. Job losses are imminent.
Nobody knows if house prices are going up or down.
Its a major investment, I'd wait until things are a little more settled.

SerendipitySunshine Sat 11-Jul-20 07:10:39

For your own financial security would you consider getting married before moving?

Fatted Sat 11-Jul-20 07:16:38

I understand that you will know him better and consider his behaviour to be dithering. But I think it to be sensible and cautious.

NO ONE has job security right now. Even the NHS. Public money will be cut even more very soon OP. DH and I are both public sector workers, have worked throughout this and still think we will have job/wage/hours cut in the next 12 months.

The questions you should be asking him is where the worry about his job is coming from. You say it's from nowhere, but to me that would ring alarm bells that something has been said at work. Keep saving, but I think he is being sensible right now here OP.

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