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wondering if I know the truth after infidelity

(17 Posts)
inyert Fri 10-Jul-20 10:34:13

a few months ago I caught my DP using an online chat site (free and anonymous) to speak to people. I was outraged and hurt. He gave me the login which I'd never have known otherwise and I could read everything (well, the website deletes everything every 28 days). He definitely didn't hide anything from me and I could see the bad and the not so bad. Having read it, seen how he refused to give his number out or his real name, I said I'd try forgive him. I didn't see the actual conversations as actual cheating, more a form of escapism porn / cyber infidelity.

I have been doing fine, if anything our relationship massively improved. He volunteered far too much information to be transparent and began seeing a therapist as he wants to understand why he did it. Things got better quickly and he has been an ideal partner. However, because he decided to spill the truth to me, I can't get one thing out of my head, and that's whether he used a dating site. He would have been able to for this short period when his use of this other site started. He says he didn't, he used this one for anonymity. However, we lived in different locations for most of Mon-Friday (I might see him one of those days and every weekend) so he could have done something. The thing is, I will never find out and this would have been years ago (2017) it can't have been any other time as all my friends are on it and would have found him when we moved in together. I also remember always seeing his phone when I visited and never noting anything suspicious.

I can't shake it. I don't know if it's paranoia/anxiety (I have diagnosed OCD) or my gut, in which case I am usually correct.

A part of me wants to try and forget it and move on, seeing this change as the beginning of a new relationship. Does anyone have any advice?

OP’s posts: |
2155User Fri 10-Jul-20 10:44:17

Honestly, just leave.

This relationship will never be what you want it or need it to be.

inyert Fri 10-Jul-20 10:48:39

Of course I know leaving is an option but being told to won't help me. I need to come to that decision on my own which isn't where I am right now.

OP’s posts: |
ExpectingatChristmas Fri 10-Jul-20 10:49:47

If he did would you 100% leave? Are you sure you want to know? You probably never will know for definite.

You really need to accept that this mistake was made (and possibly more than you know) but decide that the relationship is worth the forgiveness and leave the past in the past or you need to leave sooner rather than later.

HolaWeenie Fri 10-Jul-20 10:51:34

The reason you can't shake the feeling is because the trust has gone. Can you go on in a relationship where there's no trust?

2155User Fri 10-Jul-20 11:33:07

@inyert

You asked for advice, you can't pick and choose the advice people give you.

I think you know deep down that you can't ever fully forgive him, and so you're simply stalling leaving by trying to find a way to get over something by you'll never actually get over.

Either stay in a relationship where you'll never truly be happy, or leave.

If the past few months have taught us anything, surely it's that you don't know what is around the corner so you really have to enjoy every day.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 10-Jul-20 11:39:26

Why do you think he was on dating sites back in 2017?
Why is this suddenly something you think 'might' have happened?
For this part of your relationship he has been honest.
He showed you immediately.
He didn't delete anything.
You were able to see his chats etc.....
Now, I'm not sure what more he can do.
You either need to put it behind you and move on or you need to understand that you don't trust him and will never trust him.
No trust = No relationship.
If you want this to work maybe you need some counselling for yourself?

HollowTalk Fri 10-Jul-20 11:39:33

Life is incredibly hard if you don't trust the man who's with you. You can choose the hard life, where you wonder what's really going on all the time, where you can't trust your own history, where he comes home a bit late and you worry that he was with someone else. Or you can accept that he destroyed the relationship and that you're better off without him.

sandy541 Fri 10-Jul-20 12:21:51

Ask your self can you live with uncertainty?
It's as simple as that really. If you remain with this man i would suggest you make doubly sure you are financially independent, also emotionally strong. You really need to get in the headspace that it doesn't matter what he does, firm boundaries and stick to them!

overlooker Fri 10-Jul-20 12:28:39

What’s your investment in this relationship? Are you married? Have kids? How old are you? I think all of those factors make a difference as to you being willing to forget and put it behind you. If you’ve got kids, been together a long time, finances tied up...it’s worth trying to work through? If you’re under 30 with no ties then it’s a no brainier. You really need to cut it dead and find somebody with a more robust and reliable character. It’s called future proofing. You shouldn’t be future proofing at a young age with a known liar/cheat. It’s like buying a cheap ford escort and expecting it to be a Ferrari. Never gonna happen.

Somethingkindaoooo Fri 10-Jul-20 12:36:01

I don't know if it's paranoia/anxiety (I have diagnosed OCD) or my gut, in which case I am usually correct

Stop! Please, for the love of God, stop!!

Stop trying to make yourself responsible for HIS behaviour.

And so what if he didn't give his name out!!
His disloyalty is causing you to not trust him. The actual breaking of trust is the issue- not your "OCD" or "paranoia."

MMmomDD Fri 10-Jul-20 13:01:41

Not sure why he’d not want to go further into a real life connection on a sex chat site - only to do the opposite on a dating site?
By the sound of it - he did use the site as escapism/porn. Dating sites require a lot more attention and actual conversations, and flirting and wooing to get anywhere.
Unless someone wants to actually date - who would want to go through the motions?
Especially since he was already on a sex chat.

I think it’s your mind still struggling with processing it all that is causing these thoughts.

SoulofanAggron Fri 10-Jul-20 13:03:41

I don't think it's abnormal paranoia/anxiety/OCD related. I think most people who've been cheated on would feel the same. xxx

inyert Fri 10-Jul-20 14:30:53

@hellsbellsmelons I suppose because really this is the only time he could have ever been on a dating site. No other time would work and I factually know he didn't from 2018.

I'm not making excuses for him at all regarding OCD. But I do think it contributed, my thoughts and the way I went on (before he did anything) would have been considered controlling / abusive (I couldn't stop asking questions) and when I posted about my behaviour years ago everyone felt sorry for him sad

OP’s posts: |
SandyY2K Fri 10-Jul-20 19:50:58

a few months ago I caught my DP using an online chat site

These 2 statements are a bit contradictory.

However, because he decided to spill the truth to me

He told you the truth, once you caught him. He didn't just confess out of nowhere.

You've decided to stay and based on him refusing to give his personal details, maybe that's all he's done.

Try and let it go and covid on your future. Some of these sites are escapes for some people.

Why works he have washed to go on a dating site? That involves having a proper relationship with someone...

RLEOM Fri 10-Jul-20 20:05:57

Hmmm... if someone's looking elsewhere now, they'll definitely look elsewhere in the future.

SoulofanAggron Fri 10-Jul-20 20:25:19

But I do think it contributed, my thoughts and the way I went on (before he did anything) would have been considered controlling / abusive (I couldn't stop asking questions) and when I posted about my behaviour years ago everyone felt sorry for him

You weren't wrong though, you weren't being paranoid. You don't know the time frame in which he actually did it, but you were right that he was capable of it/going to do it, as proven by the fact that he did it. xxx flowers

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