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Friend has come out

(18 Posts)
NicknameRemovedByMN Thu 27-Sep-07 21:37:23

And I cant help being so suprised and slightly confused. I don't understand how someone can be very hetrosexual and feminine one minute and then suddenly be gay, have shaved their head and be entering MissGayUK.

Of course DH thinks its hysterical. Mainly because we often used to share a bed at her house after a night out when we were younger. He keeps asking if I want to tell him anything (nothing to tell).

I'm obviously happy that she's happy, yadda, yadda. Haven't been in touch for a few motnhs during which time she's come out and just don't really know what to say to her.

kitsandbits Thu 27-Sep-07 21:39:26

She was probaly doing a very good job at hiding it to others(but not to herself) so when she got the courage to 'come out' she shaved her head as a sign of her freedom.

I shaved my head when younger, it made me feel free, i loved it & it was a rebellion!

rantinghousewife Thu 27-Sep-07 21:43:07

It's just shock on your part, once you've had time to absorb the news, you'll be able to talk to her about it. You could look on the flag website, have found it invaluable myself as my bro is gay.

NicknameRemovedByMN Thu 27-Sep-07 21:51:16

She was my best mate at college, although we don't see each other often now.

I just can't believe that we were SO close for 2 years, spending every day together discussing lads, etc and she never told me. I didn't have any idea. Nearly fell over when I heard.

BettySpaghetti Thu 27-Sep-07 21:52:22

Its not unusual for gay people to have "started out" in straight relationships. It may be that at that time they were not sure of their sexuality / or trying to avoid admitting to themselves and others that they are gay/ or just experimenting to "test" themselves/ or they may be bi-sexual.

A lesbian friend of mine was engaged to a man for a few years when she was in her early 20s (shes now 40). Another lesbian I know was married and had 2 children and came out years later. Someone I went to college with got married then, very shortly afterwards, had a major cancer scare - following this she left her husband and moved in with a woman -it was as if the brush with her own mortality shocked her into doing what she wanted to do and not what she felt she should be doing IYSWIM.

Re: your friend - just be happy for her. Don't be different, just carry on as you were, as mates

DontlookatmeIamborrrring Thu 27-Sep-07 21:54:51

Maybe she was straight when you were at college and has recently met a woman and fallen in love - it does happen, it's not always one or the other, you can fall for either sex.

StarryStarryNight Thu 27-Sep-07 22:00:34

Sometimes, and to some, it does not matter whether it is a man or a woman, it is person not gender. It is perfectly possible to be very feminine and gay/bisexual. She shaved her head and become butch you said. She may be confused. She may think that she has to be or look a certain way, it is part of finding her identity. Just support her, dont judge her.

I had many gay/bisexual friends when I was much younger (befor marriage and kids), and some had some issues redefining themselves.

AitchTwoOh Thu 27-Sep-07 22:09:15

has she fallen in love? i have a friend who was very actively heterosexual (but frankly, always rubbish men, never good enough for her) and then she met a great woman, fell in love and they've been together for, oh, about five years now.

i asked her if she'd been struggling to come out or anything previously and if i'd been a shite pal in not noticing and she phsl and said no, not a chance.

she was, in her own words 'a committed heterosexual right up to the point when she realised the only person in the world she wanted to be with was a woman'. now they're a doddery lesbian couple (well, not quite doddery) with a spaniel and very high up the list of DD's favourite aunties.

kitsandbits Thu 27-Sep-07 22:11:05

I never told my friends i was bisexual (at that point i thought i was gay) and i was terrified of their recation.

Please support your friend - dont worry aboutyourself or question why she didnt confide in you, she didnt then ... butshe has now, so be there and support her however you can.

StarryStarryNight Thu 27-Sep-07 22:12:07

oh, and dont worry she is going to fancy you or something, she wont. You are her friend.

DottyDot Thu 27-Sep-07 22:16:00

Sometimes you just meet someone and you fall instantly in lust and it's someone of the same gender! doesn't matter how old you are, how many people you've been out with of the opposite gender - it can just happen.

And shaving your head and entering MissGayUK doesn't necessarily make you unfeminine.

AitchTwoOh Thu 27-Sep-07 22:22:05

like me and dottydot, for example... <shaves head>





it wasn't you who liked Silent Witness, was it? hmm

Lorayn Thu 27-Sep-07 22:24:40

pfft, I go looking through the topics and what do I see, I'm ashamed of you aitch, and still slightly heartbroken.

LadyTophamHatt Thu 27-Sep-07 22:29:01

My oldest friend(shes actually more like a sister TBH, we've known each since we were babies) has recently come out and although I was shocked (understatment of the century!!) I just giggled and asked her why are all these years I wasn't good enough??!!

She roared with laughter.


I emailed her the othe day and signed off with "love and snogs...but not the type you do, you saucy mare!!"
I also told her that although her partner is a woman now (she was married with 2 DC's) that doesn't mean she hasn't gottto pass the strict vetting process all our suitors had to pass over the years.

Honestly....its just the way we've always been. I think she liked the fact that I was so bloody cheeky about it because I think it was probably like tell one of her real family.


I think you just need to be the same with your friend. you freindship doesn't need to change, I'm quite sure she's not going to try at get you into bed at the earliest opportunity

AitchTwoOh Thu 27-Sep-07 22:33:42

see, i liked your other name better, lorayn...

Lorayn Thu 27-Sep-07 22:34:59

didnt think it very appropriate for this thread hmm

AitchTwoOh Thu 27-Sep-07 22:35:57

true story

MissM Fri 28-Sep-07 14:28:05

One of my close friends came out about 6 years ago. When she told me it all made a lot of sense, and I felt like I'd somehow known already, which I said to her. Our friendship got better and closer, because she was finally being herself and not trying to hide anything. She's one of the closest friends I have now, and I've never had any worries about her fancying me - if she does well that's flattering, but she knows I'm not gay so what would be the point of telling me and ruining a great friendship? Try to relax and help her be herself.

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