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Can someone explain to me the kind of abuse happening in this particular situation?

(15 Posts)
WhoamI83 Thu 09-Jul-20 10:34:56

It happened a little while ago. I left my husband 6 months ago and I am trying to understand the kinds of manipulation I suffered.

So he wanted to go on holiday and take his mum. He said he paid for it so it was my job to do everything else, all the arrangements etc. He didn’t pay for it it’s just all my money went on bills. On the return I made a mistake with the return day for the plane. On the day I thought we were returning I looked at the paperwork and I was a day late. He went mad at me because he was supposed to be at work the next day and we could only get flights a day later. He proper started shouting and he looked like he absolutely hated me. It was early on in the relationship before I was scared to speak up for myself . I said to him that perhaps if he also took some interest in the holiday then 2 minds would have been better and it might not have happened, he had no interest in the itinerary at all. He did not like me saying that. He made me take out a credit card and pay for the emended flights which was about £600. It took me a year to pay it off and when I did he congratulated me. At the time I was like happy I accomplished something but now I feel humiliated.
What was going on here?

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WhoamI83 Thu 09-Jul-20 10:37:08

Also after this event I was terrified of holidays and booking things and always having to be the one doing all the arrangements and remembering everything. He always found fault with everything I ever arranged.

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therealkittyfane Thu 09-Jul-20 10:42:33

He’s a bully. Simple as that.
It seems like he used money to control you. He enjoyed humiliating you when you made a mistake.
He saw himself as your boss - he lacked empathy and was unkind.

therealkittyfane Thu 09-Jul-20 10:43:48

Just a nasty piece of work OP.
Glad you are no longer with him.

WhoamI83 Thu 09-Jul-20 10:46:55

I always used to say it’s so easy for you to complain and put the blame on me when you take no responsibility. I will make mistakes because I’m only human and 100% of the responsibilities lie on my shoulders. He didn’t care, it was my job to do things and make him happy. Another holiday I booked a cottage in Wales and he said the garden was too small to smoke in so he made the holiday really edgy and I didn’t enjoy myself.

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Whatisthisfuckery Thu 09-Jul-20 10:48:09

Yeah, agree with PP. Bullies are abusive, it doesn’t much matter what kind of abuse they dish out after the event as long as you can recognise it and avoid behaviour like that in the future, but if you want a word for it, which is entirely understandable if you do, then it would be emotional abuse I guess. He made you doubt yourself and scared to speak, which destroyed your self esteem.

Well done for getting rid of the twat.

Whatisthisfuckery Thu 09-Jul-20 10:50:31

OP people like this are cowards. It’s easy to feel superior when you refuse to take any responsibility for things then have a go at the person who has to. It just makes him a twat.

WhoamI83 Thu 09-Jul-20 10:56:21

The trouble I got on when someone stole his phone off me. I didn’t even know it had happened. That argument lasted a whole year. Again happened at a car hire place as I was sorting it out whilst he stood outside!

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hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Jul-20 11:45:20

Blimey.
It's verbal, emotional and financial abuse.
He's a bully and he's a nasty piece of work.
Well done on getting out OP.
I hope you are happier without him dragging you down.
If it will help, then get some counselling for yourself.
Womens Aid will have a list of therapists in your area that specialise in abuse.
They also run a course called the Freedom Programme.
Do that so you can avoid assholes like this in future.
Well done again!

Thingsdogetbetter Thu 09-Jul-20 11:47:01

Bloody hell. He's a wanker of the first order!

I booked a holiday and managed to book a 12 hour layover one way and 6 on the return. Husband cuddled me after he'd finished laughing and then apologised to me as he'd left me to do all the organising and that hadn't been fair. Cos he's not a bullying wanker!

MilesJuppIsMyBitch Thu 09-Jul-20 12:00:54

Sorry OPthanks

The Freedom Programme (as mentioned above) is so helpful for framing and naming types of abuse.

anotherdisaster Thu 09-Jul-20 12:16:51

My ex was a bit like that. He wouldn't get so angry etc but he would leave me to arrange everything, then would be quick to blame me when things went wrong. He would never 'fully commit' to anything e.g. holiday, car purchase, house purchase so that if it didn't work out, he could say "this was your idea". He is now also an ex.

WhoamI83 Thu 09-Jul-20 12:47:50

My issue is why he thought it was my job to take all the responsibility and how it made me feel, it changed me. I became quite obsessive into making things perfect because of the consequences. I never actually enjoyed any of the things I arranged, I just wanted it to go without mistakes. And there was always mistakes because that’s life, so I was always in trouble.

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Purplewithred Thu 09-Jul-20 13:01:52

He made it your job because it meant he could punish you and control you and belittle you when you got things wrong. He probably enjoyed feeling in control, being better than you, and he didn't care for you one little bit. Manipulative bully and general shit.

It's brilliant you've got away from him. Congratulate yourself for that, and for the fact you will never fall into that trap again. If you find you can't move on maybe you could consider counselling?

WhoamI83 Thu 09-Jul-20 13:09:29

I always felt like I had to pay him back for putting up with pathetic old me, so I took the job of doing everything. It’s like he had me worshiping him. I feel like I was under a spell, for 15 years I was not myself.

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