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Partner wont accept dd is on the spectrum

(60 Posts)
littlerayofsunshine0 Wed 08-Jul-20 22:32:36

Hi everyone I'm a newbie so I hope I'm posting in the right place.. Apologies if I'm not.

I've had a gut feeling for a good year that my dd has Autism. Theres only 12 months between her and my ds. Dd is now 19 months and I noticed that she wasnt meeting her milestones like her brother (without comparing them) but I knew she was lagging behind.

I just had a telephone appointment with the pediatrician today (can't see dd face to face yet thanks to covid) but after a good 2hr phone call came to the conclusion that dd has what she called globally developmental delay and most likely on the spectrum. She's yet to meet her but going by my description of my daughters behaviour she seems sure. Whilst I did expect the news it hit me like a bomb. I sobbed all day and I'm still quite upset about it but I know to accept it. After explaining the telephone conversation to my partner he went nuts. Told me nothing is wrong with our dd and that she's just had too much screen time (which I shamefully agree) but still dont think that's why our daughter behaves or acts like she does. He told me the doctor is just trying to stay in a job by diagnosing our daughter with autism and had a massive go at me by saying I over reacted with what I told her etc. All I did was speak the truth.

I'm quite speechless by his reaction. He can clearly see dd is NOT doing the same things any other kid her age is doing.

I'm really upset by the news and his reaction and dont really know where to go with all of this.

I also need to make you aware this is not a normal relationship where I can openly talk and discuss things with my partner. I fully understand I'm in a controlling/ emotionally abusive relationship and hes a very difficult person to Express anything too. I really just need someone to talk to especially now

OP’s posts: |
RLEOM Wed 08-Jul-20 23:21:56

Why don't you try and arrange an assessment appointment that you both attend (and child) and let him answer the questions and you chip in? Let your child be assessed face-to-face so then your partner can't disagree with the outcome.

Hotpinkangel19 Wed 08-Jul-20 23:31:04

Firstly, she hasn't been diagnosed, it's a lengthy process so he is over reacting a bit there!

PlanDeRaccordement Wed 08-Jul-20 23:37:19

I wouldn’t accept that my child was on the spectrum on the basis of a phone call either. The pediatrician specifically did NOT diagnose your child as on the spectrum during the phone call either. Developmental delays can happen for numerous reasons, most of which self correct.

I think you’ve over reacted as you have “sobbed all day”
Just wait for an actual assessment.

PlanDeRaccordement Wed 08-Jul-20 23:43:36

Also, I would caution you on comparing infant boys directly to infant girls. They develop differently and so do not hit the same milestones at the same time.

june2007 Wed 08-Jul-20 23:43:46

No I wouldn,t go on someone who has never ,met my child opinion either at although there are signs at 19 months it is quite early to diangnose.

haba Thu 09-Jul-20 00:05:50

Her age is very, very young to be seeking assessment. That doesn't mean she doesn't have autism... but it is hard to diagnose at that age.

Can you cut the screen time out completely? Look at other ways to entertain her, and help her learn how to play by herself? Will DS play with her at all?

haba Thu 09-Jul-20 00:07:53

And honestly GDD isn't the end of the world for your DD, and your hopes and aspirations for her. This will be a shock to hear initially, but you can cope with this, and find ways to help your DD develop.

haba Thu 09-Jul-20 00:12:59

And, hoping to reassure you- one of my children spoke at 5mo, one not until 19mo. One of them crawled at 7mo, one at 15mo. One of them picked up a wooden spoon and cradled it and soothed it like a baby! The other one used it to whack things grin

Their development was very different- they're extremely different characters to one another. Babies all develop at different rates.

doubleshotespresso Thu 09-Jul-20 00:16:12

I'm parent to a child now 6 who was diagnosed with autism (and many many other things since).

It is very distressing so understand your upset, however I'd agree it's something you wouldn't expect to reasonably be diagnosed over the phone and certainly at such a young age. It's rare to receive a diagnosis for ASD or similar prior to the age of 3 and this usually follows a lot of appointments, assessments and specialist observations.
My best advice for you now to build practical evidence .
Keep a diary of behaviours, food patterns, sleep patterns, achievements etc.
Also note things your child does daily through their daily life, lining up toys, colour ordering pens, obsessive behaviours that sort of thing.
As for your husband, I think he's right to question a phone call leaving with this impression. That's not to say your instincts are off, but these things don't get identified overnight. If your daughter is on the spectrum, routine and structure will be key in better managing daily life and yes screen time is often not helpful... short sharp activities and set mealtimes etc will help hugely too.
I'd urge you to wait for a proper appointment and take your husband for some open and hovers discussions before you convince yourself - this is such a young age...
Best of luck x

Boulshired Thu 09-Jul-20 00:17:02

I knew my DS had autism at an earlier age, similar starting diagnosis GDD and autistic traits. He was diagnosed fully at 2 1/2 but he had classic autism so easy to tell. At that age it’s still very young but many of the techniques used are helpful for all children. It’s not that early to start with diagnosis processes but much can change in these early years.

PastMyBestBeforeDate Thu 09-Jul-20 00:21:19

19 months is early to diagnose ASD. I don't know about GDD but like a pp I had one who was having conversations at 9 months and one who only got going at 24 months.
Many relationships founder on Additional Needs. If you're in a bad place already this won't help. flowers

PumpkinP Thu 09-Jul-20 00:23:37

Wow im surprised they want to diagnose autism at 19 months, I can see where your dp is coming for tbh.

Valambtine Thu 09-Jul-20 00:29:08

Where are you that a pead is diagnosing a 19 month old that they have never clapped eyes on with probable autism based on a single phone call? I work in autism diagnosis and that is all kinds of dodgy and miles away from NICE guidelines. I mean we have all had to adjust practice in the light of covid but there is no way that can be any more than a hypothesis to investigate further at this stage. I am with DH on this!

FuckYouCorona Thu 09-Jul-20 00:29:40

This is a 19-month-old baby were talking about right? I can hardly believe you found anyone willling to talk to you about a potential dx yet, let alone give any kind of verbal dx. Its wayyy too early. Why on earth is a baby using screens anyway? The dx process takes ages so I would certainly do some research & push for answers if difficulties are apparent & persistent, but remember all DC are different & develop at their own pace. Just take each day as it comes & don't be too hard on your DH.

Valambtine Thu 09-Jul-20 00:31:47

I mean, I am not with DH on being controlling. Sorry. But wrt the safety of this "diagnosis" and I am concerned that you have thought she is autistic for a year...since she was 7 months? Really?

haba Thu 09-Jul-20 00:40:40

May I ask whether you've had her hearing and eyesight checked OP? Those can have a big impact on development, and hearing or sightloss can lead to delay.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 09-Jul-20 00:42:37

but after a good 2hr phone call came to the conclusion that dd has what she called globally developmental delay and most likely on the spectrum.

What utter incompetence. To diagnose this over the phone without proper, multiple examinations is totally egregious. This "doctor" should be reported. Your child is only 19 months, and babies rates of development vary wildly, and doesn't mean they're on the spectrum. This doctor has done you a massive disservice.

DontWantToAdult Thu 09-Jul-20 00:42:55

Theres no way, the peaditrician can say your 19 month old child is more than likely on the spectrum in a telephone call.

Shes out of order

DontWantToAdult Thu 09-Jul-20 00:45:02


Your baby spoke at 5 months old?

GabsAlot Thu 09-Jul-20 00:56:58

maybe it is too early for a diagnosis but pp are missing the point hes controlling and therefore abusive-he shouldnt be having a go at his partner about this

haba Thu 09-Jul-20 00:57:30

Yes- just the one word at first, but he did speak at 5mo. It was a complete shock after our eldest did not say a single thing until 19mo, not even babbling. We tested him lots to check he wasn't just making noise!

Aquamarine1029 Thu 09-Jul-20 01:02:29

maybe it is too early for a diagnosis but pp are missing the point hes controlling and therefore abusive-he shouldnt be having a go at his partner about this

Disagreeing is not being controlling. Her husband is right in being dubious about such an unprofessional and inappropriate "diagnosis."

GabsAlot Thu 09-Jul-20 01:04:55

im refering to the op calling him controlling says hes a difficult man to express anything to

PlanDeRaccordement Thu 09-Jul-20 01:32:07


im refering to the op calling him controlling says hes a difficult man to express anything to

Well if she is constantly over reacting and sobbing all day over nonexistent diagnoses, then I can see why the recipient of all that drama may be less than sympathetic and understanding.

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