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Toxic mother

(6 Posts)
kimbod23 Wed 08-Jul-20 20:42:22

Well where do I start?? Since my teens I remember my mum started to be funny with my dad when he started volunteering and doing things for himself (have since found out she was like that before I just mustn't have been aware until then) she'd be ringing him when he was with families asking when he would be home, having a go at him over the phone, moaning when he was late bk from volunteering and I mean proper kick off over him being 5 mins late. She always seemed unreasonable. It wasn't until I got with my husband and moved to halls at uni that I saw a side to her that was aimed at me. As I started to see who she really was and I learnt to stand up for myself which she didn't like. She started to twist things that had happened or I had said. It became apparent that she could do things and criticise but I was not allowed. I found out recently that in the past she has accused my dad of pushing her up against a wall by her neck (he wouldn't do anything like that). The time leading upto our wedding if I challenged her she would say 'fine I'm taking the money that we r paying toward ur wedding bk' even though it was paid for etc.. She always has to be the centre of attention. For example the last 4 years my birthday meals have been a mess, a couple years ago, we went to a pub for a meal and just because the waitress took mine and my husbands orders first she made a big scene in the pub as in her opinion she felt that because they were paying her and my dad should have ordered first (obviously the waitress doesn't know whose paying). So started calling me and my husband all sort in front of my elderly grandparents and made a big scene. She is like that whenever it's my birthday meal or my dads and she thinks she can protest if the place you want to go is somewhere she doesn't like. I also think she tried to get attention at my wedding as she didn't like the attention on us. She has diabetes and she had said a few weeks earlier that she would not be staying past 9pm (wedding day started at 4) then around 9pm my dad pulls me aside and mention that there was an ambulance on the way as my mum wasn't well due to her blood sugar (found out recently that people had been passing her plates of food through the day and she hadn't touch as crumb) so now I feel she just did it on purpose as she wanted to draw attention to herself. Feels like she has my brother wrapped round her little finger always seems to support her, he lives at home and is now 25. My mom has fed lies to my brother and his girlfriend that they both removed my husband as a friend on fb and at a family wedding my brothers girlfriend refused to sit opposite my husband and they loved seats but it's always on the sly. My mum is always whispering to them both. I fed up of her dictating when we can and can't come down. As we r not allowed down on a Sunday as it family day so only her, my dad, my brother and his girlfriend can be round (or anyone else she wants!!) my dad just goes along with it most of the time for the easy life but he makes the effort to come and see us each wednesday and we go down when we have permission. I feel so stuck in the middle and don't know what to do. My husband says don't go round on her terms just pop in on a Sunday but I know that will just wind her up and then she will have ago at us or/and my dad later on. He also said if she is difficult the during my next birthday in a couple of weeks that we won't be taking our little boy down, if she wants to see him she can come down to ours. She very rarely comes to ours as she can't be bothered. Came at Xmas but that was because she wanted to show off the present her sisters had bought for our son so she looked good then. My dad would be gutted if we cut contact and didn't go down. I'm worried if we did cut contact he would still visit but then would have her trying to stop him as we aren't going down to see them. But why would I want to go near her when I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time worrying that I say the wrong thing or she says the something and I stand up for myself. I'm so confused at what to do. I don't want to upset my husband but I don't want to upset my dad either. My mum had hurt me too much and I've be pushed away far too many times for my to give two hoots about her.

OP’s posts: |
Fanthorpe Wed 08-Jul-20 20:48:06

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread

You’ll find help and advice on this thread, you’re not alone.

FTstepmum Wed 08-Jul-20 20:48:34

Your mum is a textbook narcissist and you have been a prime victim. It's awful, I know. My heart goes out to you.

It's very, very common. You'll have many people replying to say they're in the same boat. Take comfort from that.

My advice is limit or stop contact. It's the best way. Xxx

FTstepmum Wed 08-Jul-20 20:49:20

Your mum is a textbook narcissist and you have been a prime victim. It's awful, I know. My heart goes out to you.

It's very, very common. You'll have many people replying to say they're in the same boat. Take comfort from that.

My advice is limit or stop contact. It's the best way. Xxx

MondeoFan Wed 08-Jul-20 21:51:40

My mum is the same I'm very low contact now. If she had her way it would be no contact but I think when she dies it will be more hurtful if we wasn't speaking at all.

Blondebakingmumma Thu 09-Jul-20 03:00:40

I’m surprised you want your mum around your child at all. That is the type of behaviour that I wouldn’t allow around my kids.

Let your father come to you and stop making the effort to go to your parents. Don’t openly tell your mum you want to go low or no contact.

Why let your child see that you are being treated like second class citizens in your own family? I can’t believe that you aren’t allowed around during the family day. That would have been the nail in the coffin for the relationship for me.

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