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Would you/ Do you/ Have you knowingly date a man with depression?

(90 Posts)
stillvsparkling Wed 08-Jul-20 18:24:11

Can you advise? Is it too hard? Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Raella50 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:26:46

No I couldn’t deal with it personally. If it crept up on my husband now though then I would support him obviously. I wouldn’t consider dating someone with depression/ history of depression if I knew in advance though.

TwentyViginti Wed 08-Jul-20 18:31:26

People with depression can be selfish, knowingly or unknowingly, and can be very hard work. They are not really in a good place to date, unless the depression is properly treated via meds or therapy.

Many many threads on here by people who have partners who use their depression as an excuse for some awful behaviour.

BookByte Wed 08-Jul-20 18:31:43

It depends. I'd say find out what he's like at his most depressed, and consider if you could cope with him being like that every day. If the answer is no, then you may be biting off more than you can chew

SquirrellingAway523 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:33:05

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I'd weigh it up with everything else I knew about him. Also , honestly... I would look at how he's went about dealing with his depression. If he makes an effort, tries to do what he can to manage it etc then this can really bode well to how to copes with problems. If he lies in bed for months/years ( not days/weeks that happens to the best of us with depression) then I would be less likely to take a risk... Talking as someone who has resistant depression.

Normalmumandwife Wed 08-Jul-20 18:34:27

Absolute dealbreaker for me. Friends DH had it and it is so wearing in the relationship

EmbarrassingAdmissions Wed 08-Jul-20 18:40:25

partners who use their depression as an excuse for some awful behaviour.

Yes - and use it as a defence for every piece of rotten behaviour that has nothing to do with depression, such as chronic lying over everything, from negligible to life-changingly major.

If a partner develops it, that's a different scenario to knowing it from the outset. And a lot depends on how chronic and/or severe the depression is and whether or not somebody uses it as a cover for making an effort with nothing else at all (in which case, why date).

katmarie Wed 08-Jul-20 18:41:28

I married a man with depression, long term chronic treatment resistant depression. He told me about it on our first date, but I'm no stranger to mental health problems myself so it didn't worry me. Its hard sometimes in that it breaks my heart to see him struggling. And when he's in a low point he struggles to communicate, which makes things difficult. And when he's unwell I have to pick up more of the day to day and parenting stuff. Some days he really has to work hard to just get basic stuff done. In many ways I imagine that there are similarities with loving someone who has a physical chronic illness or disability.

He never stops trying though. His depression is managed most of the time with medication, and he is committed to keeping it that way, he sees the doctor regularly for review and is very interested in new treatments and therapies. He was also the first to spot my pnd and supported me in getting help.

I think he would be the first to say that having me in his life, and our children, has given him things to focus on, (although that alone is not a good reason to be with someone, it helps me to know that I'm making a positive difference in his life) and he's a wonderful dad, hands on and an equal parent. When he is well he is the kindest, smartest, most loving, funny, imaginative, creative, caring person I know, and there is nothing he would not do for me. As you can probably tell I love him dearly, and meant it very strongly when I vowed in sickness and in health.

stillvsparkling Wed 08-Jul-20 18:44:30

Really interesting replies.Thanks.
His behaviour is mostly of anger and falling out with people while also being practically non responsive to shoes of care and concern. He retreats from society and every one who loves him.
He refuses therapy or meds and feels
He can plough through it himself.
Not a good idea is it?

OP’s posts: |
rhowton Wed 08-Jul-20 18:46:07

No! Run!

Pollocking Wed 08-Jul-20 18:46:31

No, I wouldn't, and you would be crazy to walk into a relationship with an angry depressive who can't or won't manage his illness.

Wishihadanalgorithm Wed 08-Jul-20 18:47:04

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who had depression/anxiety. We dated for about a year and he didn’t tell me about it until we’d been together about 2 months. Some of his behaviours were a bit odd and he had to be honest with me when I questioned him on them.

I think the depression/anxiety affected him in more ways than either of us realised and when we split up I think much of it was due to how he didn’t resolve problems due to his mental health issues.

He was a really nice guy though so I don’t regret being with him.

SquirrellingAway523 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:48:12

@katmarie

That's really lovely . He is lucky to have you. I was starting to feel like an untouchable for having depression due to this thread but that made me feel better.

I understand people's feeling though, don't get me wrong. It's just really hard being with the person who has depression but it's also really hard being the person with depression. No one wants to deal with that at the start of a relationship.

TwentyViginti Wed 08-Jul-20 18:51:51

With your update, no, not a good idea at all.

PersonaNonGarter Wed 08-Jul-20 18:55:05

No. Happiness and Joy aren’t always possible, but they should definitely be the hallmarks of the start of a love affair.

BeanbagMcTavish Wed 08-Jul-20 18:58:14

*He refuses therapy or meds and feels
He can plough through it himself.*

Holy shit, no no no! Run far and run fast.

PerfidiousAlbion Wed 08-Jul-20 19:02:21

Sounds exactly like my ex. I didnt know he had depression before we got together. After a while, he relaxed and I was treated to withdrawing, the silent treatment, punching walls, kicking the dog, him not speaking to his family, blaming family for his failures (at 45 years old!), punching walls at work, being suspended from work, debt, drinking, gambling. I could go on. All excused ‘cos I’m depressed.’ He refused medical treatment and only had four CBT sessions.

He’s still the same now. Most people think he’s a local hero, those close to him know better.

My father had depression and he never did anything like that.

My advice would be to swerve.

SquirrellingAway523 Wed 08-Jul-20 19:02:51

@stillvsparkling

I just lost a long answer...

Basically however , you should never get in a romantic relationship with someone who does not take responsibility for their health, physical and mental. He's not ready for a relationship, he is a long way away from ready. I'm sorry.

nonamemummy Wed 08-Jul-20 19:07:06

NOPE. I’m with one now, tried to get him out but I give in. I’m not happy. I’d never be with someone with depression again.

Stuckforthefourthtime Wed 08-Jul-20 19:07:47

My DH developed a severe physical issue (enough that he couldn't work and needed my care), and then depression as a consequence. Frankly, life-limiting illness including toilet assistance was easier to deal with.

It was like having an angry grey cloud around and from being a fairly calm, all round decent person it felt like he turned into an angry grey stormcliud that rained over everything we tried to make fun or nice. Even with his best efforts and medication it returns from time to time and is AWFUL. People always say on here that it's the person who chooses to be angry, plenty of depressed people aren't etc, but I have known my DH over 20 years, and severe depression changed his personality utterly, he was emotionally abusive and completely self centred during it, and reading accounts from many other women, this is not that unusual.

This is shameful and ableist but I wouldn't want my kids to date someone if they already knew they'd experience this kind of mental suffering, it can condemn the whole family.

Your guy sounds like too much hard work and not even helping himself. Run.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof Wed 08-Jul-20 19:12:34

No

user135664323455 Wed 08-Jul-20 19:14:19

Many many threads on here by people who have partners who use their depression as an excuse for some awful behaviour.

For the most part, that's abusive arseholes inventing a mental illness diagnosis to blame for their abuse. Either to manipulate the victim into staying or to avoid consequences.

Rarely is it someone who genuinely has depression. But it would be a reason to think more critically if someone told you that, sadly.

And OP, based on your further context, hell no. Unless getting into an abusive relationship is on your wishlist.

Menora Wed 08-Jul-20 19:17:06

I have depression, sometimes it’s good sometimes it’s really not good but I don’t go around treating people badly. I have often found with men like this it’s not the type of depression I have experienced, it is a lack of any self awareness, no will to change anything and it never gets better. It’s their personality!

Worstyear2020 Wed 08-Jul-20 19:19:23

Depends.

Depressed, lazy, self centred - no
Depressed, hard working, considerate - yes

Drogonssmile Wed 08-Jul-20 19:30:13

Both myself and my husband suffer from depression. It's difficult but in a way it's better because we completely understand if one of us is feeling low, how it feels.

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