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Found hidden alcohol

(69 Posts)
Whyohwhy1987 Wed 08-Jul-20 15:09:31

So I guess I am coming here to rant a bit and see whether I find anyone who has experienced anything similar to me....
I live with my OH who has full custody of his 4 young children (their Mother passed away.) When we first met around a year ago he told me stories about how his late wife used to say he was controlling, and an alcoholic. He made a big point about telling me he was not an alcoholic, but he did like to have a drink now and then. 1 or 2 beers he said.

Fast forward to now....we moved in together earlier this year. I quickly noticed how much he liked to drink however I have never seen him drink before around 4pm, so I did not consider that he was an `alcoholic` because I assumed alcoholics needed to drink as soon as they woke up. Maybe that is me showing me ignorance towards addiction.

More recently, the drinking has escalated. I would say he went from drinking 2 or 3 (strong) beers per day, to 4 or 5. He then started drinking vodka quite frequently on top of the beers, or whisky. He has been through a lot lately but I am trying not to make excuses for him. I think because I have become more aware of his drinking, I started paying more attention to things that were happening and noticed the following:

- One day he walked to the local shop (which is 5 minutes walk away) to get some milk and I watched him from the window down a can of beer and throw it in a neighbours outside bin before coming back into our house
- I was clearing out one of his kids school clothes and found an almost empty 1l bottle of vodka hidden under the clothes
- I have also found empty small whisky bottles hidden on top of the kitchen cupboards

I confronted him on all of this, and he has admitted he has done wrong but cannot explain why he has hidden it from me. He promises he will change and only drink on Fridays and Saturdays but I don't think I can believe him. Yesterday his Mum arrived to stay with us for a few weeks and he told me she brought with her a bottle of rum (I suspect he bought it but can`t prove it!) His Mum and I had one drink each yet the whole 1l bottle was gone by the end of the evening despite the fact I only noticed him make himself 2 drinks.

The long and short of it is I suspect he has a big problem and I honestly don't know if I want to be a part of it. I don't particularly like him when he has been drinking (I have told him this!) He is embarrassing, more likely to be short fused and unpleasant towards his children, slurs his words, pays me endless complements (I am not complaining however when they are alcohol fuelled I find it hard to take him seriously.)

Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice they can share?

OP’s posts: |
HollowTalk Wed 08-Jul-20 15:14:06

His poor children. You can leave, but they are stuck with their dad. It sounds as though his late wife had him absolutely sussed.

Wolfiefan Wed 08-Jul-20 15:18:44

Well he is an alcoholic.
I wouldn’t stay.
He needs to stop drinking. But he denies there is a problem so he won’t.
Can family support with the kids? Failing that I would have to contact social services.

Mintychoc1 Wed 08-Jul-20 15:23:48

Those poor kids. Can his Mum take them?

FawnDrench Wed 08-Jul-20 15:31:21

I think for your own sanity you should leave, as he is obviously in denial and not ready to confront his serious and harmful alcohol problem.

As others have said, the safety of the children must be paramount and I hope you address this as a matter of urgency.

How sad that the relationship has soured so quickly. But maybe for the best as you have only wasted one year of your life...

Whyohwhy1987 Wed 08-Jul-20 15:33:21

None of his family live in the UK, his Mum flew over for a visit as she hasn`t seen them since last October. He is a good Dad in general and the kids are well looked after (I help) however I am starting to notice when he has been drinking because he is more likely to be short fused with them. I have never witnessed him, and don`t believe he would physically hurt them, however he is more likely to shout and get annoyed by the smallest of things when he has had a drink.

@HollowTalk I suspect you may be right, his late wife was clearly right. I am now wondering why on earth I let myself get involved when the warning signs were so obviously there so early on!

OP’s posts: |
namechange12a Wed 08-Jul-20 15:37:02

OP the ability to drink a litre of rum in one sitting shows a huge capacity for alcohol. He's an alcoholic and there isn't anything you can do about that. My advice is to cut and run, especially since he told you that he's 'controlling'.

You haven't seen the full him yet OP and I would leave before you do. I also suggest you contact social services, as the thought of those children alone with someone controlling who can put away a litre of rum in an evening, sends a shudder through me.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 08-Jul-20 15:39:12

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and its never been with you either. He will not stop drinking and his late wife indeed had the measure of him.

My advice to you is to leave before you get further dragged down by him and this whole situation. I would also contact Social Services re his children's welfare.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 08-Jul-20 15:41:10

Why did you write he is a good dad, he is really anything but. Women in poor relationships on the other hand, write such self denying guff when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

As for why you got involved with him in the first place, only you can answer that. You have a lot of thinking to do. BTW did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent too?.

BigSandyBalls2015 Wed 08-Jul-20 15:41:35

You've only been with him a year …. this is far too much for you to take on. I'd walk away, but also ensure the kids are ok. How you do that though, I'm not too sure!

Wolfiefan Wed 08-Jul-20 15:42:32

He isn’t a good dad. He’s a lying alcoholic who takes out his shortcomings on the children.

litterbird Wed 08-Jul-20 15:47:43

So sorry to hear this. It will escalate and you will continue to find empty bottles. He is a classic alcoholic. His late wife was correct. Unless he goes to AA for a very very long time, if not, for the rest of his life and stops alcohol consumption for ever to there is not much hope for you I am afraid. Stress will trigger more consumption and sneakiness. You have a choice, live with it and the ramifications or leave quickly to save yourself and your mental health. I have seen this first hand with a close friend of mine. Just yesterday after repeated promises from her husband to stop drinking she found a stash of empty bottles in an out building as he came back slurring his words yesterday. This has been going on for 6 years. Its not stopped. Please save yourself before your life gets worse.

DisobedientHamster Wed 08-Jul-20 15:47:56

When we first met around a year ago he told me stories about how his late wife used to say he was controlling, and an alcoholic.

This was your first warning. Whenever you date someone and they pull this line out, you run.

This man is an alcoholic. YOu are not responsible for his children so do not stay in this dysfunctional relationship for their sakes and the expense of yours.

Report him and report him but you need to leave. Why you who are single and childfree would want anything to do with a man with all this baggage is indicative of low boundaries but the fact of the matter is that he is an alcoholic and unpleasant will be violent very shortly.

You need to get away from him and report about the kids but it is not your job to ensure their safety, you need to ensure yours!

DisobedientHamster Wed 08-Jul-20 15:49:05

And anytime a person has to say 'he's a good dad', he isn't.

Minniee Wed 08-Jul-20 15:51:10

Okay so he's an alcoholic.

Nothing you can do about it, he has to accept that and want to change.

You just need to decide if if you're going to stay around to see what happens or not. B

Whyohwhy1987 Wed 08-Jul-20 16:13:19

@AttilaTheMeerkat I have genuinely never dealt with an alcoholic before so this is all completely alien to me!

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I very much agree with the concerns about the children and will need to spend some time thinking about what to do. Essentially though I think for a change I need to be selfish and put myself first...

OP’s posts: |
Wolfiefan Wed 08-Jul-20 16:35:59

You can’t save him. You can’t make this better.
He denies there is a problem.
You can only leave.
But report for the sake of the kids. Sorry OP. It’s shit.

litterbird Wed 08-Jul-20 16:39:50

If you haven't dealt with an alcoholic before I suggest you depart as quickly as possible. Don't be afraid of being selfish, so many women seem to be programmed to stick it out and be the rescuer. You cannot rescue him and he is being selfish to you by putting alcohol first. Thankfully its only been a year for you and you have seen some disturbing traits. Its tough to walk away from someone with children but he was obviously coping on his own before he met you so he can do it again. Don't get tied down to the "fear, obligation, guilt" part of leaving an alcoholic. Be honest with him and walk away. He will promise the moon to you, I have witnessed this in others. You are a single lady with no children, be free to meet someone with less problems. You deserve this.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 08-Jul-20 16:41:08

Yes indeed put your own self first and for a change. Being with an alcoholic will only drag you down. You cannot love someone like this better.

Look too at your boundaries in relationships and revise them completely upwards going forward.

pointythings Wed 08-Jul-20 17:07:08

The only person you can save here is yourself. Do it. And yes, report him, because alcoholics inevitably spiral and his kids will suffer.

DisobedientHamster Wed 08-Jul-20 17:13:45

Whyohwhy1987

*@AttilaTheMeerkat* I have genuinely never dealt with an alcoholic before so this is all completely alien to me!

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I very much agree with the concerns about the children and will need to spend some time thinking about what to do. Essentially though I think for a change I need to be selfish and put myself first...

Putting yourself first is not selfish. They are not your children. You enable him by 'helping', now he has you to back up parent whilst he drinks. He is an alcoholic. This will never change. You must get away from him and do not date for a long time until you find some better boundaries. Focus on you and getting out of there. He will drag you down and get worse and worse.

Run from anyone who slags off an ex as 'controlling' 'pscyho' etc.

Aknifewith16blades Wed 08-Jul-20 17:49:44

A good parent doesn't keep alcohol under their kid clothes.

And whatever you think you know he's drinking, is likely to be the tip of the iceberg.

TicTac80 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:09:14

I remember the hidden bottles only too well (I have a STBXH who is an alcoholic). I would say....run for the hills. Don't let him drag you down (trust me, this will happen).

It got to the point that I couldn't plan anything as I wasn't sure how he'd be, planned events often spoiled because of his drinking, so many times I had to either stay home from work or run out of work early because he'd dropped me in the crap with childcare (I was the breadwinner). And the lies, and gaslighting, was almost non stop. I found myself second guessing everything.

I tried everything: getting him help (private rehab, meetings etc etc etc etc), begging, pleading, bargaining etc. None of it worked. Why? Because he didn't want the help, and he didn't want to stick at going to AA or any other meeting. I know I sound harsh, but I'd say to anyone, just run. It dragged me down for 6yrs. Initially he hid it so well, I just couldn't my finger on things (didn't help that he also had some MH problems after having a big RTC). Then it would be crisis after crisis after crisis. He'd appear to engage in help and I'd have some hope/relax. Then that would all be dashed again.

Report your concerns re the kids and then run x

PenelopePitstop49 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:12:53

He's not a good Dad.

He's a functioning alcoholic.

Report him to SS, and get the hell out of there.

pointythings Wed 08-Jul-20 18:44:46

TicTac80 I stuck it out for almost 7 years. Hiding alcohol, oh yeah - I caught him at that 2 years before I finally issued the ultimatum that kicked it all off. He didn't want to stop either. It's almost 2 years ago now that he was found dead in his little flat.

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