Why do abusive people abuse?

[WhoamI83]

I’ve read about FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, but why do they need this, what are they afraid of? They control you to achieve what....in my marriage both of us were miserable. Me because I was being abused and him because I wasn’t doing what he wanted because I was down trodden and exhausted. I know why I stayed, because of the cycles and the dependence, but why did he. Why didn’t he get someone more suited to him?

[Crispsnatcher]

I have often wondered the same thing OP. Think its maybe deep-seated insecurity on the abusers part? Not really sure.

[Ohnoherewego62]

I think some people know they're abusive and others don't.

Some are modelling their parents behaviours or what they grew up with, mirroring how they've been treated in past relationships, some are insecure and some are just very very cruel and know exactly what they're doing.

Some stay because they're being controlled, too far in, hope it will get better or feel they have no choice or xyz will happen.

Have you sought real life support for this?

[Bookaholic73]

I don’t believe the fact that people who’ve been abused become abusive.

I was abused and neglected by my alcoholic parents, and went into foster care.
I adore my 2 boys and would never ever hurt them.

[Ohnoherewego62]

@Bookaholic73, I'm sorry to hear that.

What if a person is so used to being criticised and controlled that the next relationship they go into, they're more defensive or aggressive when they feel like they're being criticised which would typically over a small thing. Are they then verbally abusive?

I agree with your statement. Not all who have been abused become abusers.

[WhoamI83]

So can someone who abuses you still genuinely love you if they don’t know what they are doing is wrong?

[Ohnoherewego62]

I don't know. I don't have the answers to that.

Some genuinely believe they're right and justify their actions. It is never right to abuse someone especially if they are aware of how they're making you feel.

• how does it make you feel? Is it causing your harm? Have they repeated the abuse? Did they blame the abuse on you "you made me slap you or you made me say these things". Do they ever acknowledge what they've said/done is wrong?

If it were you, those are the type of questions I believe I would be asking.

Are you safe OP?

[WhoamI83]

Yes, I am away from my husband now past 6 months. I’m just trying to make sense of what happened. I left because I could no longer cope with the world and I was struggling with my kids. I walked on egg shells everyday for 15 years. He had a very quick temper. For instance if I said something in the car he didn’t like he would shout and swear at me and start driving scary. He always blamed his temper on me. I didn’t ever love him enough or the way he wanted so that meant he could talk to me like shit. He used to say I was just to sensitive and weak a person and how he was was the real world, I was brought up with a silver spoon etc etc. My parents never shouted and swore at each other. My dad never hurt my mum verbally or humiliate her. I just get so confused because he would say I was everything, his whole world but it just felt wrong.

[WhoamI83]

Why would you tear down a person until they crying on the floor if they were your world just because you felt they didn’t love you....when I did, I think.

[Ohnoherewego62]

I'm really sorry you've experience this. It wi have changed you as a person. Made you question your strength as person, boundaries and abilkty judgement of others.

Thing with abusers is that your perception is wrong. Always.

You knew it wasn't right and was cruel and detrimental to you but you stayed because he maybe told you that you were oversensitive or take things the wrong way. This would obviously make you question your responses to things and if you were "crazy". These things cause you to lose your sense of self and to stop listening to your basic gut instincts.

He instilled that fear in you because he wanted you to know he was capable of worse.

Have you got appropriate real life support?

[NativeAustralian]

Cant speak for them all, but mine thought it was his job to " put me right" as though I was this flawed individual who he needed to correct and be "honest" with, used to tell me nobody else would love me because of the way I was..

[blameitonpfi]

The abusive people I have known have been abusive because of unresolved trauma in their past, things that have made them who they are but they won't necessarily recognise that they are damaging other people.

Some abusive people do things which they know will harm the person they are harming. They don't love the person they are harming (or anyone probably).

Some are abusive when they lose control so it isn't necessarily intentional, and they might love you - but probably not as they could get help for their loss of control. This is in degrees though, they might not lose control a lot or badly and might not hurt you. If they lose control a lot and hurt you they aren't good for you, whether they "love" you or not.

People with trauma in their past who are not abusive are people who have dealt with the trauma sufficiently and have sufficient empathy and self control and understanding about how not to hurt others.

Is about as far as I have got in my analysis over this.

[blameitonpfi]

Sorry I just read your update, after i posted. I don't think he could have loved you. It is more likely that he was trying to manipulate you. I am sorry. I think that it is good you are away from it.

[RLEOM]

Sometimes it's learnt behaviour. I can be an asshole, just like my dad. I have a string of abusive exes who were the mirror image of their dad with their behaviour. It was all learnt.

[WhoamI83]

I am looking into support. My local domestic support charities are still closed at the moment, I don’t think they can get funding.

My husband did have an abusive upbringing from his father. He would tell me stories of what happened to his mum, sometimes I think he was deliberately trying to scare me. He would say to me there are much worse men out there then me, I’m a good man I don’t hit you. I just was to sensitive to handle his hot temper, I needed to learn how to. But when I did speak up then it just caused a worse argument and he would recall all my faults and how they were worse then his so I stopped.
I really don’t understand what he was getting from me, I was a wet fish of a women.

[WhoamI83]

Manipulate me into what? What did he want, a tougher women who fought back? I’m pretty sure he would have whacked me so I always backed down.

[Flyingagainstreason]

Happy people with happy loving parents who give good boundaries and show love and security don’t generally end up abusers.

Sad though it is. The parent makes the child in the norm. Obviously there are always exceptions to the norm.

[StillWeRise]

OP have you been in touch with your local domestic abuse organisations? because some are working remotely by phone/zoom whatever and you might get some help that way. Also, it is possible to do the freedom programme on line I think.
Personally I think you could drive yourself mad trying to work out why abusers abuse. Once you are safe I don't think it's worth spending your time and energy on. It's for abusive men to look into their own motivations and change their behaviour. It's our job to keep ourselves and our children safe and happy.

[WhoamI83]

I’m just trying to figure out my story. My memories are very disconnected at the moment. I have memories of lots of awful things then I have this man telling me how much he loves and needs me then also him telling me he doesn’t need me, he can go at any point. It’s confusing!
I have a feeling he used me for something. His dream he told me was to buy a house for his mum and support her because of the abuse she suffered. I feel he thought I could facilitate his dream but it wasn’t my dream. I started of with lots of potential but I obviously had my own identity and dreams and they didn’t match his.

[bitofasleuth]

Some people actively enjoy being abusive to their partners.

Do you know what my ex used to say to me? He'd say: "Why do you do it? Why do you make me so angry? If you didn't make me angry then I wouldn't hit you, would I?"
How fucking screwed up is that? Bastard blamed me for his vile temper. He used to enjoy the power it gave him over me, especially because he could tell me that I deserved it. I used to blame myself, and think if only I could change myself, I wouldn't make him angry and then he'd be ok.

It was a long time ago, and I can see as clear as day now that NONE of it was my fault. Just as none of this is your fault either.

[WhoamI83]

When I left he got so angry at the fact i had ruined all his dreams, I guess he means because I will be going after my share of the money and he wants it for his dream. I feel like he loved me in order to keep me sweet so I kept up with what he planned.
His dream was definitely not a safe secure life and being thankful for what we had, which was quite a lot, he was never happy with anything!

[WhoamI83]

My husband said he is praying for my health and happiness and he prays we can still be friends. His actions just confuse me, can’t he remember all the things he has said to me. How I’m the shitist wife and that I need to be like his “posh women Clients he has in london”. They go to the gym for their husbands, do everything for their husbands.

[blameitonpfi]

What did he want, a tougher women who fought back? it is more likely he needed a victim. The manipulation is to do with control so that he felt he was in control. I do think you'd benefit from some therapy, and i think that you should now concentrate on you, not him. The "why" becomes less important if you let it go and make sure you don't choose someone like that again.

[NCsonoOuting]

You can do the Freedom Programme online, that would really help you to understand more about what happened to you. In some places they're running it by Zoom apparently, which is better because of the group support/ meeting others who've been through similar things to you.

There is also counselling happening by video.

If you want to read a free online book about it try "Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.

[WhoamI83]

So he just needed to feel like he had control of the relationship and of me because it made him feel better?

[WhoamI83]

I’ve done a lot of the freedom programme online but I really wanted some one to one with putting it in context with my memories.