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Dump now or wait and see?

(31 Posts)
Rec0veringAcademic Tue 07-Jul-20 15:18:27

Hello, been around for a while, not very actively - namechanged for this. Preliminary info: I'm not in the UK, no tight lockdown where I live.
I've been seeing a guy for a month now. Wasn't looking for a relationship when we met, have known him from an online forum on our favourite pets for quite a while.

I'm close to 40, he is 45-50. I've never been married (and have been single for a very long time), he is divorced, no kids. As I understand he and his ex were in very different stages of their lives when they married, and grew apart after a few years. He wanted children, she didn't, or at least not for longer - and this is where my problem is.

He is funny, very practical with a lot of common sense, considerate, easygoing. Not exactly my type physically (overweight) but I could look past that. He is not working or doing much in the way of out-of-the-home activity, he doesn't need to money-wise, but I confess this bother me more than the weight.

However, what actually makes me worried is the fact that he seems to be fixated on kids and pregnancy. Keeps dropping jokey hints at our long-term future, me moving in with him, and a few days ago actually creeped me out with something he said while cuddling. His head was lying on my belly and he said something like "If we had known each other for a LOT longer, my head would be this high (indicating bump with hands), then this high..."

I wonder how he couldn't hear the thousand alarm bells going off in my head. shock I mean, at our ages, progressing a relationship a bit faster than usual is OK, but this was way too direct for my liking.

Should I end this now or wait how things develop?

OP’s posts: |
Pelleas Tue 07-Jul-20 15:26:57

It sounds a bit intense to me - as though he's desperate to be a dad above all else, and this is more important to him than the relationship itself. If he's late 40s he might feel time is running out (in terms of his being reasonably young and still around when they are adults).

I think you need at the very least to talk to him about this. You don't say whether children are on your agenda, but rushing into things would be a bad idea.

rainbringsjoytome Tue 07-Jul-20 15:30:04

Do you want children? If you don't you need to end things now.

Rec0veringAcademic Tue 07-Jul-20 15:34:29

I'm not desperate to have children, although I used to dream of having a family of my own when I was younger. As the years passed and the right man never showed up, I resigned myself to being single and childless.

Being single does not bother me as much as it clearly does him. It's the intensity of it all... how can he be so sure he wants to spend the rest of his life (and have kids with) someone he's known for 1 month?? Am I too cautious and independent, or is he being odd about this?

OP’s posts: |
Pelleas Tue 07-Jul-20 15:36:37

It's definitely him, not you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Tue 07-Jul-20 15:38:17

Next time he drops hints about babies tell him you're old fashioned and would have to be married first. it would be interesting to see what he says to that.

Why doesn't he work?

IdblowJonSnow Tue 07-Jul-20 15:53:33

Sounds odd. Way too quick to be saying things like that particularly as you've not had conversations around it.
I'd tell him you're not sure you want a family so he's fully aware.
But not sure someone so full on so quickly is a good idea.

Rec0veringAcademic Tue 07-Jul-20 16:05:38

NotSuch - I have actually told him I definitely want to be married before starting a family, this is non-negotiable. He didn't say anything to that, just hugged me closer. He is not working because he has enough in investments and no mortgage to maintain a decent standard of living, and after over 20 years of working very hard, he is enjoying the liberty. He has also said something like not wanting to leave the fruits of his labour to some relation he has never even met instead of his own kids. (I know... confused )

OP’s posts: |
Rec0veringAcademic Tue 07-Jul-20 16:06:30

I definitely *would want to be married, that should say !!

OP’s posts: |
Qwicks Tue 07-Jul-20 16:10:30

If you have/plan to sleep with him, please sort your own contraception and don't rely on any condoms he produces! I can imagine he's pricked holes in all of them.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Tue 07-Jul-20 16:13:07

Well on the bright side , he sounds like excellent marriage material! Can finance your mat leave, and you could focus on your career afterwards while he's the stay at home parent. Win-win. Do you actually want a baby? I'd say yes, providing marriage came first.

BlessYourCottonSocks Tue 07-Jul-20 16:14:42

This is a bit sad, as he's obviously keen to be a dad. However, he is closer to 50 than anything from what you've said, and has perhaps missed the boat.

I'd be saying honestly to him, I'm not sure I want children - or even would be able to have them now. And this relationship is far too new to consider starting a family.

I'd get it out in the open rather than feeling creeped out

MashedSpud Tue 07-Jul-20 16:16:41

All this after a month?

I’d be terrified.

AnaViaSalamanca Tue 07-Jul-20 16:20:25

After a month??? Future faking I would say, and good at it too.

Bridget64 Tue 07-Jul-20 16:21:21

One month?? You've been together one month and he's making comments about your soon to be pregnant belly? That's really really creepy. At one year I would tell you to be cautious. I used to feel differently about this due to my circumstances but I'm now wary of anyone trying to talk their partner into having kids at an early stage as it can indicate massive red flags. His age doesn't give him the right to move things on quicker than you are comfortable with.

I'd seriously tell him you are undecided about having children right now ( because you are). It's not something you would even discuss before the 18/24 month mark. And see what happens.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 07-Jul-20 16:23:57

This from him after one mere month?!!!!!.

The hills are that way -->>>>>. Avoid and raise your own relationship bar a lot higher going forward.

Bridget64 Tue 07-Jul-20 16:24:13

@Rec0veringAcademic

With regards to his inheritance problem. Tell him as you are younger than him and likely as a woman to live longer ( statistically) he can leave everything to you instead. Problem solved with that. I mean it's not too early to tell him that is it?

SixesAndEights Tue 07-Jul-20 16:27:02

Yikes.

I'd run.

Tappering Tue 07-Jul-20 16:30:27

If you have klaxons going off in your head then it's time to listen to them. I suspect your common-sense is telling you that you don't know whether it's you he's interested in, or just any woman with a functioning uterus of child-bearing age.

Rec0veringAcademic Tue 07-Jul-20 16:32:06

@Bridget64 grin

Thanks a lot, everyone - note duly taken. I'll go with my gut on this one and find a man who has his head screwed on right.

OP’s posts: |
Opentooffers Tue 07-Jul-20 16:37:03

He wants a baby and he's making it look like he doesn't care much who it's with, not very flattering. If he wants to be a dad at his age, he really should do something about his level of fitness, so he's more likely to be around to see them grow up. I wonder why he hasn't already, fanciful ideas but no serious action?
Beware that, just because he wants someone to pass his money to, doesn't mean he's going to be a good house husband and has any nurturing instincts, he could still be the type to leave all the home jobs and childcare to you.

Crystalspider Tue 07-Jul-20 16:42:07

Alarms bells would be ringing if a man was out of work, have you seen evidence that he doesn't need to work, seen where he lives etc.
Also by the time you got to know him enough and marry, I think you might be biologically out of time. I think your right to find someone else.

rainbringsjoytome Tue 07-Jul-20 16:56:17

I'd seriously tell him you are undecided about having children right now ( because you are). It's not something you would even discuss before the 18/24 month mark. And see what happens.

A two year wait is fine when you are young. It's not unusual to move things more quickly at OP's age/this man's age. Though one month is a bit fast.
I have actually told him I definitely want to be married before starting a family, this is non-negotiable If you have said this, could it be that he thinks you are thinking long-term and kids too?

Bridget64 Tue 07-Jul-20 17:04:45

I think it's a mistake to have a child before 18 months together at any age. I think 18 months IS fast. This is having a family together, its a serious commitment.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 07-Jul-20 17:09:02

All this after just one month would make me run away screaming.

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