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I think I know the answer--just want to rant

(14 Posts)
redheadedafro Tue 07-Jul-20 14:18:25

Hi Ladies

I need a bit of tongue-lashing.

My story goes thus--I (31/F) met a man (37/M) online exactly 6 weeks ago. We got along like white on rice. Sex was good, too, at least to the best of my knowledge. He had once asked me to choke him while having sex before but I was too scared that I'd kill him so I didn't do it well.
This guy also separated from his ex-wife last summer and divorce has been initiated.

When we met, he told me I was the second person he was dating. He told me the lady he was seeing pre-lockdown had moved about 200 miles away and they sexted for a while but it fizzled out. That was all I knew about her.

One time- at about the 4 weeks mark- when he wanted to show me a picture of his WiFi password (which he had on his phone) and while doing this, I noticed a naked woman picture. I asked about it; if he was sexting someone else (we had agreed to be sexually exclusive at this point) and he denied it. Said that it was an old picture. I believed him. That night, he asked that I be his girlfriend and I hesitated but said yes. He said he was happy, so was i.

Last Friday, I wanted him to send me pictures we took on a hike some weeks back and I noticed he was really fidgety and shaky with his phone and scrolled really fast. So I slowed him down and realised that after asking that we be official, he had gone ahead and sexted this same girl. He was apologetic. I walked out and promised that was the end.

The following day, my mum tried to kill herself and was so upset about this so I reached out. He was nice and apologised again. He said he hadn't sexted this girl but later confessed he did after u left the previous day. He showed me videos and what he did was use leash on his neck and tied himself up--he denied ever owning a sex toy. He promised that it was just fantasy with this girl and we agreed to take a week break while he tried to break it off.

I rang him yesterday and he informed me he was finding it difficult to break it off. He stated the reason as that they are friends-- share literature and poetry (I am a Doctor). He also said I am amazing but it's wrong timing and the fact that he found it difficult to put an end to the sexting just showed him he probably isn't ready for anything serious right now. I AM DEVASTATED! My self esteem is in shambles. I have questioned everything. That he chose someone miles away when he said we had something good going on shatters me!

This always happens--men say I am amazing but end up just fucking off. I am tired of dating and everything. I know my boundaries are shit but I tried to not take this too fast and here I am. Fuck my life.

OP’s posts: |
Sillymee Tue 07-Jul-20 14:27:12

I know it hurts now but wow it sounds like you dodged a huge bullet here!! After what happened with your mum (so sorry hope she and you will be okay) your craving someone to be there for you and it’s difficult when your single to feel lonely but that doesn’t mean anyone will do. What future could you have with him, you would always be anxious he’s messaging someone else? He seems very sexually highly charged to be days later already sending her these messages like he should have felt sad himself? If you ever wanted kids etc would
You want it to be with somebody you have seen pictures of all tied up and weird positions? I find that so weird, I’m no prude and a little hair pulling or whatever but if I man sent me a picture of him all tied up in his own tie and whatever I would run for the hills, sounds like
Them 2 are as odd as each other leave them to it. Your 31 and a doctor, do you realise how amazing that is? You are a CATCH and just because the right person hasn’t caught you yet doesn’t mean they won’t. Don’t waste your time with deadbeats Christian grey wannabes! Xxx

PinkMonkeyBird Tue 07-Jul-20 14:35:34

You dodged a bullet, you still have plenty of time to find someone with no dramas. You deserve better than this.

anonnnnni Tue 07-Jul-20 14:36:59

OP, I’m sorry for what you’ve experienced with this man but my god have you dodged a whopping great big bullet!

He couldn’t/wouldn’t give you sexual exclusivity, had tastes that made you feel uncomfortable in the very early stages and despite you reaching out for support, he gave you.... more sordid details!

Don’t be shattered, be relieved! I really hope your mum is doing ok and that you don’t let this hornbag do a number on your self esteem. His latest partner will be in for a hell of a difficult time when it comes to trusting him.

Op, relationships shouldn’t be this hard. The right bloke won’t feed you a load of cobblers or disappear into thin air. And I don’t doubt that you are amazing! But it will sound even better coming from someone with less baggage than Heathrow airport... remember you’re the prize.

ThirtyAndASmidgen Tue 07-Jul-20 14:43:20

Oh my goodness, I understand why you’re upset but this man really isn’t worth another second of your time.

Something you said resonated with me: “Men say I am amazing but end up just fucking off”. This used to happen to me a lot too but looking back, I think it was a red flag. They didn’t know me at all and had never seen me tired/ill/having a bad day, yet they were already coming out with this stuff.

canigooutyet Tue 07-Jul-20 14:51:08

You are sexually incompatible.

Honestly start working on your boundaries and sticking to them. If you aren't comfortable doing anything, especially when it comes to auto eroticism or bdsm boundaries are a basic must.

I don't consider wearing a collar and some from as cuffs as toys tbh, to me they are just a form of clothing.

I don't find him highly sexually charged or incapable of settling down. It was 6 weeks and I would run a mile if someone came to me for emotional support. I'd wonder why they didn't have people they have known for longer to get that type of support.

But then I don't consider sending pics and videos as cheating either. It's all just part of a life style that's not for everyone. At least you found out now rather than him doing it in secret for several years!!

HollowTalk Tue 07-Jul-20 14:54:07

Oh my god, he wanted you to strangle him but you kept on seeing him? Where would you draw the line?

I'm so sorry about your mum. I hope she's alright and gets some help.

Bridget64 Tue 07-Jul-20 14:54:25

I am so sorry it sounds like there's so many red flags with this relationship. Take this opportunity and run like the fucking wind. I'm serious.

First of all... You are far too far along the relationship trail for six weeks, you should be at the making each other dinners stage . Having care free sex stage. Laughing at daft jokes stage....

You have been through sexual infidelity, discomfort at sexual fetishes, lies, lies and more lies. He sounds like everything is about him. What was he doing showing you sexual pictures of himself he had taken to send someone else? At a time you were emotionally struggling? I don't like him. At all.

He probably doesn't actually want you to leave him just now. He just wants your standards to be unbelievably low if you stay . I wouldn't be surprised if he contacts you again. Please drop this guy like a hot stone. You deserve better.

I'm so sorry about your mum. That's a massive shock for you and a lot of stress. I hope she is okay and getting help. I hope you are too.

Justanotherwrinkle Tue 07-Jul-20 15:01:17

OP you sound a bit lost.
Have you got good friends you can hang out with and lean on for a while?

As a doctor in your early 30s you are likely working tough hours and with exams to study for. As well as the heartache over your mum then maybe this isn’t a good time to be starting a new relationship as it might be making it hard for you to prioritise your own needs and values?

He doesn’t sound a good one.
A partner should be honest and not play games with your emotions.
Sexual boundaries and consent/consideration are also crucial- you know that deep down.

You don’t really want to be with this man. He’s just become something to transfer your feelings into right now. He isn’t worthy of having you care for him if he is lying about other women and messing you around

Take some time out. Be kind to yourself and lean on your genuine mates.
If you need to them call the support lines for medics- NHS practitioners health OR doctors support network.

redheadedafro Tue 07-Jul-20 15:08:52

@canigooutyet I am an immigrant and you're right- I have no friends that I can lean on in that way yet. It's all new for now. Thanks

OP’s posts: |
BertiesLanding Tue 07-Jul-20 15:09:49

Hopefully, you'll look back with a different perspective, and you'll see how volatile he was, and how unhealthy that would have been for you had the relationship continued any further.

In the meantime, it might be an idea to explore why it is that you're so attracted to volatile men who demonstrate a clear edge of danger; why your boundaries are, in your words, so shit; and what these two things have in common.

canigooutyet Tue 07-Jul-20 15:49:42

That will put a "target" on you. It's easier for people to convince you to ignore your boundaries when you are alone. Some people love that thrill of having someone dependent on them it that makes sense.

Some people also find www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ very helpful in terms of what those red flags are.. Chapter 3, the Bully is often the most helpful I've heard.

Regardless of your personal sexual choices you have to have boundaries. Mine are split into three categories - hell yea - maybe - not a chance. The not a chance, I say no once and that's it regardless of the situation and I'm extremely clear.

Try focus on what makes you the best you can be. Look at the fabulous job you have done in getting to where you are today. You achieved this without some loser on the side lines. You are a strong, independent woman and should be proud of this.

Hopefully as things go back to normal, you will find friends through one of the many activities and events etc advertised within the trust

Someone told me years ago - you are worthy of respect because you breathe - sounds silly now as I type it, but it's helped me through in the past.

TeaAndHobnob Tue 07-Jul-20 15:56:38

You say you tried not to take it too fast but everything you've said is just way too fast. Oversharing, the exclusive talk, the sex pictures. Just way way way too early. You hardly know each other! As this proved, you got invested and he messed you around. Six weeks in, should be fun dating not lies - you had a big waving flag 4 weeks in and ignored it. Why did you ignore it?

Ohnoducks Tue 07-Jul-20 16:05:08

You aren't compatible and that happens with most people you meet, but your post suggests you felt your biggest selling point was your proximity, give yourself some credit!

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