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Why do I miss him?

(6 Posts)
Whateverittakes18 Mon 06-Jul-20 23:13:22

I left my ex last year, he had been abusive to me for years, sexually and emotionally to the point he convinced me to get cosmetic surgery and even then he still belittled, humiliated, bullied and controlled me. The only reason I left is because he then started to emotionally abuse our beautiful baby girl.

Since leaving him he has continued to make me suffer, continued to try and control me etc and yet tonight I found myself looking at photos of him dd and I and I missed him. I also feel guilty for having 'taken' DD from him like I've caused him this world of pain and I feel sorry for that. But why do I feel this way? He wasn't ever interested in dd, still isn't now unless it's to control me, logically I know this but yet I still feel this way. sadconfused

OP’s posts: |
NotaCoolMum Mon 06-Jul-20 23:25:34

Perhaps you’re not actually missing him but mourning the future you were hoping to have with him before he abused you? You feel guilty because you’re a good person who wants her DD to have a relationship with a loving father- HE chose the consequences of his actions by abusing you both. You definitely did the right thing by leaving OP 💐

2ndtimemum2 Mon 06-Jul-20 23:29:55

Hi whateverittakes I'm.currently working through this with my counsellor I'm 8 months pregnant and he cheated on me when I was 8 weeks and left me. When I look at the relationship I realise that he actually made no effort and emotionally abused to a huge extent but I found the pain horrific from him leaving.
But what I'm beginning to understand is that I miss the idea of him and not him.

I built up this fairytale in my head of the way I wanted it to be as a happy family so when he walked out it felt that I subsequently lost that dream too. Realistically I was holding on to a fantasy I bigged it up on my head...beautiful family days out and a lovely happily ever after when in actual fact he was never going to provide that.

Is it possible that you are grieving and hurting for what couldve been rather than what actually was? When we have Hope's and dreams it's very hard to accept that the story we envision wont actually come about. We have to grieve and accept that what we wanted will never materialise and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

I found that writing down the good things and the bad things of the relationship will put things into perspective and actually make you realise that what your grieving isnt actually the reality of what you lost but the loss of what couldve been.flowers

Crystalspider Mon 06-Jul-20 23:49:51

Maybe because you wish it could of been different, remembering the best parts if there was any.
If you haven't met anyone else then you have no one else to focus on romantically so your thoughts are still on an ex.
You've been through a difficult relationship and will take time to heal, missing him is part of the process, for now try and enjoy a stress free life without him.

Cat112344 Tue 07-Jul-20 15:14:06

I think you’re missing what you thought you had with him, now it’s a distant memory you won’t remember exactly how he made you feel etc...

It’s normal to grieve a relationship, I’m grieving one at the moment (still very new) and often I think maybe I should forgive him, take him back etc but then anger kicks in and the reality of he is a cheat. I hope you find some peace 💜

MikeUniformMike Tue 07-Jul-20 15:43:39

The person you missed was the person you thought he was, until he proved to you that he wasn't that person.

The person you miss doesn't exist.

Well done for leaving.

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