Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Living apart together(11 Posts)
My partner (29) and I (32) have been together for a year. We met as he was going through a messy house sale with his ex partner. He moved in with me really quickly (which was more situational due to his house sale). Looking back it was a mistake as it was too quick, but hindsight is wonderful isn’t it? He came to my house with nothing but his clothes, looking for a fresh start. We have a great relationship but both of us went through a bit of a tough time lately and it brought to light the need for some space, particularly on his part. He has never lived alone before, has always been with parents, or with previous partners and he feels he needs to live alone to learn more about himself and be independent. We both know he should have bought his own place after his house sale but it never worked out like that. We both love eachother very much but he feels very strongly about this, he likes my house, but feels it is not his (it is solely my mortgage) and wants to have somewhere to call his own, and have a property to be financially independent with something to show for it. I have no issues with this as if it was me, I would want my own property as a safety net. As we merged our lives too quickly, we didn’t really do the whole ‘dating phase’ and we just moved in together too soon. My only issue is, after living together and seeing him everyday (which I loved) we now only see eachother a couple of times of a week. It almost feels like we are less committed. It’s like having to learn to take a bit of a back seat. We still see eachother and remain in a relationship only he has moved back to his dad’s whilst he sorts out buying his own place (we now live about 50miles apart) and works on feeling better as he has a bit of a breakdown during lockdown. Has anyone got any success stories about this working? How often do you see your partners if you don’t live together? I want to sustain this as I love him very much but it is hard as I feel like I am going backwards
He’s not that in-to-you.
Seriously I get that he’s never lived alone.
I understand his position, but he wants different things to you.
You need to let the man do what he needs to do. He has clearly told you he needs space and independence, so you need to respect that. All you can do is take it day by day, but if this isn't what you want, end it. Honestly, your relationship was way too much way too fast. He didn't even have a chance to think before he moved into your home. At 32, having never lived on his own, he sounds a bit lost with no sense of self.
To add, if you want marriage and children in your future, I would move on now.
He’s going to spend the next few years “finding himself”. By that time you’re mid to late 30’s and running out of time. You’re at different phases and the truth is that you were a rebound right? He used you as a crutch to get out of the previous relationship. He’s gone from carer to carer. Why on Earth did you let him move in like that? You’ve been used and now it’s likely he has little respect for you. He’s seen everything you have to offer and there’s no interest or mystery left. You’d best get yourself prepared because you now need to start building up your life without him. New friends and do things that don’t include him. I actually feel really sorry for you because he’s really used you until he was ready to strike out on his own (like a teenager!)
Thanks for your replies, I guess the truth hurts ☹️
I'm sorry OP, I think it was his excuse/way of starting to back out of the relationship.
Did you post about this a week or so ago but phrased slightly differently? There was a very similar thread and most people thought the guy was wanting to move out so he could slowly back out of the relationship.
I'll ask the same thing I asked the other poster (if it wasn't in fact you). What do YOU want? Do you want a family and children? If you do then this guy isn't for you. Do you want to live with someone full time or would you also be happy with LAT?
Decide what you want and if that is not what he is offering then ditch and move on to someone else who wants the same things as you.
Hey lovely, lots of harsh comments here but I wanted to say I'm in the same situation as you!
Basically I moved in with my OH before lock down, we'd been together a year but it all was a bit rushed. Because we both have kids from previous relationships and were spending so much time together it felt like it made sense to move in. However on moving in cracks began to appear, and tbh he was the one to say he couldn't deal with it right now and I have moved out.
Now yes this could be seen as him backing out of commitment and the relationship, and I think you have to go on how this person is now acting since you have moved out.
For me I did take it personally for a while and was very angry and hurt, and wanted to end the relationship. However when I took a step back myself and did look at how we had rushed things, I realised that we had jumped in ahead of where we should have been at for how long we were together.
Right now we are planning dates, holidays etc and enjoying our company seeing each other once or twice a week. It is hurtful seeing as I spent every night with him and now don't see him much at all - i'll now be going 2 weeks without seeing him. But I am going on energy and effort. If he makes the consistent effort to see me and be with me and speak to me on days we aren't together then I am willing to proceed in the relationship.
I have made it clear to my OH what I am looking for in a relationship. Sure he could be leading me on, but I am not willing to waste years waiting for him. At the moment I am going to take it day by day, week by week and month by month. If I feel like I am constantly unhappy and things aren't progressing forward then I will have to walk away. Luckily he is still talking about moving in again a year down the line, but again I have to remember that is my decision too on whether I want to wait for that day that may never come.
I think you need to clarify some ways that this setback in your relationship would make you feel more secure. The problem for you is that your boyfriend didn't ever have time out to be single, he did jump straight in with you and so maybe does feel suffocated. All you can do in this situation is think about where you want to be and discuss that with him. Don't hesitate to tell him that you want to be living with someone in the next year or two, or that you want to get married and have kids. If he turns around and says that he's definitely no where near ready for that, then you have to find someone who is.
My partner knows exactly what I want now, and whilst I do feel powerless and as though he has called the shots in asking to have space again. All I can do is remember that I have a choice too, and I have my own desires and needs as do you, and if this person isn't fulfilling those then it's time to look elsewhere.
Living with his father is not living alone & finding himself
I am in a similar position to you op. I have been with my bf 10/11 months. When lockdown happened, he was staying with me for a few days so ended up staying here for over 3 months (he lives an hour's drive away). it was fine and he and my kids had already met and got on well but we had only been together 7 months when it all happened so going from every other weekend and a night in the week to being together 24/7 and both working from home, was quite a change!
He found a new property to rent while he was here (he needed to get out of his previous one anyway) and I helped him move in a couple of weeks ago.
Our situation is different in that we both knew that living together was temporary but I do think some people expected him to stay here and were surprised when he moved out.
He had also never lived on his own and this was something he wanted to do and since my separation, I very much value my space and time with my kids so as far as I'm concerned, I am happy to never live with a man again. I love him and am committed to our relationship but actually am really glad to go back to every other weekend/ a night in the week and my own space!
It's nice to miss him and to be missed and living with someone does make the magic wear off quite quickly!
Please login first.