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Relationship advice- am I being ridiculous

(6 Posts)
Bertie1981 Mon 06-Jul-20 15:02:49

I have never posted on any of these boards but really am at a impasse/ major fork in the road in my marriage.
We have been married 6 years have a beautiful 4yo and 1yo so incredibly lucky.
I have been with my husband approx 12yrs and his binge drinking has ALWAYS been an issue. One which in my younger years I felt he would
Grow out of. He isn’t an alcoholic but for sure has alcohol abuse issues he doesn’t have a stop button and if he goes for it gets absolutely blotto. When we were younger, child free he used to just go on crazy all nighters which was fine but meant our weekend by and large was ruined and we would argue.
Time has passed we are now older and have two young children. He still continues to do this last weekend he went for ‘celebratory lockdown easing’ drinks and came back at 7am in the morning. What has upset me more than anything is I actually feel nothing about this. It used to upset me but now nothing. I was angry and upset for my two children who wanted to go somewhere with him but he was incapable. This has sort of put a tin hat on my feelings he hasn’t apologised for doing this and I am that shocked he hasn’t I am
Just doing the quiet but civil
Thing(whatever that is!?)
Added to this are the usual strains of handling young children I.e. non stop
Energy, tiredness and lockdown haven’t helped. Prior to this he has said he felt life was a grind (which was like thanks for that) and as someone with long standing issues with eating disorders I have by my own hand eaten myself up to the biggest weight I have ever been and feel wretched. The weight thing is not his fault it’s mine alone I should have got a control on it but have always been an emotional eater and have gone to town on this.
I feel like our marriage is a joke he doesn’t respect me and Due to this I have stopped respecting myself is there anyway back from
This, have I married a loser? Should I have paid more attention to the red flags years ago (but didn’t)

OP’s posts: |
namechange12a Mon 06-Jul-20 15:08:45

What do you want to do OP?

If you've spoken to him about the binge drinking and he's still doing it, then it's unlikely he'll stop. Can you just live with the binge drinking?

Bertie1981 Mon 06-Jul-20 15:15:36

@ namechange12a I think in all honesty what I want is an idealised version of marriage which doesn’t exist(!) You are right if he wanted to stop it he would have done years ago and I have let it continue (and married him) I think what gets me now is it doesn’t just effect me it effects our children.
Really feel like I need to lay my cards on the table but we are different personalities. It genuinely makes me feel rubbish when he does it.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Jul-20 15:18:36

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What example did your parents show you and did you also grow up in a house with a heavily drinking parent?.

He has not grown out of his drinking and he will not either. You're propping him up and otherwise enabling him now by being there. You have indeed ignored and or minimised a lot of red flags here re him and you went onto have marry and have children by him too. They are the only good thing that has come out of your relationship with your H.

What would you define as an alcoholic then if not your H?. Denial is a powerful force too. Your children are also being profoundly affected by his drinking; your children see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to it. You've basically over the years become inurred to his drinking behaviours and have tried to block it out (that technique does not work). It would be a good idea to contact Al-anon by phone as they are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

Re your own self have you ever sought help and or therapy for your eating disorder?. Looking back too how did all this start with you?.

What you're describing here is no life for you or for that matter your children. Would you want this type of a relationship for them as adults, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

namechange12a Mon 06-Jul-20 15:22:47

OP you sound really, really hard on yourself. Hindsight is a great thing and it's easy to chastise ourselves about what we 'should' have said and done after the event.

You had no idea that he would continue to do what he's doing and obviously don't come from a background of heavy drinking or alcoholism or you'd know the futility of them just giving up.

The past is exactly that. He's going to continue to do what he's done over the past 12 years so perhaps have a think about how you want to move forward.

Bertie1981 Mon 06-Jul-20 15:26:25

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your response. The relationships I saw growing up was an extremely solid and stable marriage of my parents who have been together for years and are still
Very much in love with each other. My mother is tee total and my dad might have a bit of alcohol at Christmas but apart from that take it or leave it!
My eating disorder has been with me since I was in my teenage years alternating from anorexia, binge-purge, bulimia (you name it I have done it) plus this probably is impacting on my children because I feel so bad about myself and not really setting a good example.
You are right I have let it fly and I think I need to think long and hard and either get this resolved or cut my losses.

OP’s posts: |

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