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My mum changes when she gets drunk

(2 Posts)
magicmallow Mon 06-Jul-20 12:11:27

Just saw mum for first time in months - she was staying over (I'm a LP and it's our bubble). Stayed for a few nights. Every night she drinks a bottle of wine, habit, she's not likely to give it up nor does she drink during the day.

I don't really want to focus on the amount of drink (I know it's too much but it's a years long habit), but when she gets drunk despite being a lovely person during the day, all the nastiness seems to come out. She starts to pick on me and misunderstand things and repeat herself again and again. I don't think she's aware of how she sounds (let's face it, who is when they are drunk!?). She will pick up on something from months ago and start to go on and on about it as if she can't get over it (we had a disagreement, she misunderstood and whilst drunk will not accept that she misunderstood - she accuses me of believing this thing that I don't believe!).

She will also start to pick on small things about my life, my relationship with my son etc.

I find it hurtful. She never mentions these things sober and is a completely different lovely, helpful person. I wonder does she think all of these things all the time, which is hurtful, or does the drink make her different?

On the whole we have a good relationship but for her to behave like this really upsets me. I don't think she even realises how hurtful it is.

I'm not completely innocent - I do have a couple of beers myself (not every night by any means) and find myself drinking on a sociable level with her. I do drink socially, but no longer to those levels.

I don't know if I should approach it with her. We don't often see each other. I just worry that she holds in a lot of opinionated judgemental stuff about me and it only comes out when she's drunk.

It's like this drunk veil comes over her and she turns into a different person. She probably sounds a lot worse than she is. Most of the time we can get on ok after she's had a drink. But I've noticed so many times that this strange behaviour happens when she drinks and I don't think I could approach it with her realistically.

Also I'm not perfect and I do drink myself so I don't think I can realistically approach it with her on that basis. I don't drink as much as she does and I'm not a "maudlin" or bickering person when I drink - I tend to get happy and huggy more than anything. I find that when I am with her I tend to drink more, probably a coping mechanism more than anything, or like she sets the drinking stage / level and I keep up with it (I have also noticed that I do a lot more emotional eating when around my family, but that's another story).

Does anyone have any advice or similar experience?

OP’s posts: |
namechange12a Mon 06-Jul-20 14:27:02

OP you're an adult and you don't have to spend time with anyone who gets drunk and critical. A bottle of wine a night is going to cause serious physical damage eventually as that's 10 units a night. The recommended allowance for a woman is 14 units a week and she's drinking 70.

Explain to her, when she's sober, that you find her comments judgemental and critical and would appreciate it if she stopped. If she's drunk and being critical then remove yourself from her presence and go to bed.

There's no point arguing with someone drunk OP. You seem to have a lot of self insight and awareness. You notice that you're comfort eating around your family and drinking more when you're with your mum.

If your mum has always been a heavy drinker, then perhaps try Al Anon which is for the family and friends of alcoholics.

OP be assertive with her. Her behaviour is not acceptable.

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