Does anyone else think their husband is quite lazy...?

[Pumpkin108]

Just a bit of a rant really...
I feel like I literally have to do everything and take responsibility for everything...

My dh has been furloughed since March and now is being made redundant in August. Obviously it’s a crap time but he essentially hasn’t been working for months and is at home all the time. I’m 21 weeks pregnant with out first baby and am working self employed 25 hours a week. I also have a chronic autoimmune illness which is sometimes a struggle. I’m finding life quite challenging coping with pregnancy with little support and finding my work quite stressful. On top of this I do way more than 50% of the housework and just sort out everything that needs dealing with in terms of finances, ordering stuff for baby etc etc

I feel burnt out and I’ve had loads of discussions with him and he changes for a while then it all goes back to how it was... most days he just moves around doing nothing and have to ask him to do things.

Does anyone else feel like this?

[123anotherusername]

That does sound difficult. He should be stepping up and doing his share whilst he's not working, especially since you're pregnant and unwell. Have you ever sat down with him and made a list of what needs doing, so you each have clearly designated roles?

I can sympathsise though. If I ask my partner to do something he'll say yes then never do it, or get grumpy when I remind him. I'm quite close to breaking point with him if I'm honest. He decided a few days ago the dog needs a bath (he does) but I've literally been the one to do all the bathing since we got him. This time I stood my ground and refused to do it. He got as far as lifting the dog into the bath, then asked me what towel to use (I honestly couldn't care less, so long as it goes in the wash afterwards). I went upstairs to make it more difficult for him to try to rope me into doing it for him. He then couldn't see the dog shampoo which was literally right in front of his face next to our shampoos (it's been in the same place for several months). I heard him tell the dog 'you're not having a bath now as I don't know where the shampoo is'. Zero attempt made to even look for it or shout up to me to ask. We still have a stinking dog that no doubt I'll have to take care of once I've calmed down!

[namechange12a]

Loads of women feel like this OP. It's on the Relationship boards every day that some woman is running around after a feckless arse and at her wits end. He's going to be like this when the baby comes as well so prepare yourself to be even more run down.

[madcatladyforever]

This is why I live alone with cats.
I'm fed up of cleaning up after people like a damned maid.
I've had two husbands and a long term partner and not one of them could do anything round the house or garden, I wouldn't have minded if my job was specifically to be a housewife but I workked longer hours and earned more than all of them.

[B9008]

Just out of interest catlady did show any signs of this before you married them? Lazy people tend to be lazy from childhood to death I find. I think it’s in their genes. I got married way too young and didn’t see this before it was too late. The signs were probably there though.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

sick of lazy ass men floating around thinking you should say thanks for them picking up there plate. This is your future OP, tell your OH to buck up or ship out. This is what your DC is going to see is normal so decide now what you want to accept

[Lilybo7]

Yes. We both work full time (remotely at the moment) but I do everything around the house too, organise all DD's school stuff & packed lunches , clothes, holiday clubs, admin, deal with school fees, tidy up the house constantly, put on washing, load and unload dishwasher, put out bins. Ask DP to do a task eg pick something up from shop, order something we need for DD and he'll say 'yes' then he inevitably won't do it. If I ask again I get "I said I'll do it". Still doesn't get done so I end up doing it.
Ask him to do a DIY job. Same response. If I ask again it's nagging and he 'doesn't respond to nagging' so job doesn't get done. I am usually at my wits end with all of this and the resentment building up is huge!!!! Nip it in the bud now.

[Whathewhatnow]

Seriously,, sit him down and read him a tactful riot acr. Tell him you appreciate how diligent he is at work and ask him to transfer that to the home

Laziness is a divorce-- worthy offence.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Yes I understand how you feel. I was a single mum when I met dp. I was about 21. I was used to doing everything myself, all housework, cooking, cleaning so didn't really notice how lazy he was. I was also used to watching my mum run around after my dad and brother like a blue arsed fly so I think I just thought it was normal. At 23 I fell pregnant, I carried on doing everything, even after the baby was born I did everything. He was ok for a few weeks after the birth, but that wore off. He did do half the night feeds, but DS was great during the night, took a bottle, went straight back to sleep once a night, but he was a devil during the day. DS 2 is now 6 and a half and DP is still extremely lazy. I'll lose the nut over it maybe every 4 months or so and he will do more for a few days, then go back to square one. I promised myself I wouldn't have anymore kids for many reasons, but one being he was so useless. He does work 2 jobs now, and they are both pretty physical, but he still has time and energy to play football 3 times a week, just not any housework or much child rearing, unless it involves play fighting! Unfortunately I'm now 10 weeks pregnant, and I really can't feel anything but dread because I just know it's going to be hell. I'm working longer hours this time, self employed and he's already (half jokingly) complaining that I want to take 6 months maternity leave.
I all honesty, I don't think we would have been together much longer if it wasn't for this baby.

[awishes]

Sort it now. I married the laziest man ever and it ruined our marriage. I cannot tell you the lengths he went to NOT to do something. I became resentful and then gave up asking. Divorced now. Please sort it, it will destroy or or your relationship otherwise.

[LannieDuck]

It's worth making an effort to get this sorted out now. Once the baby arrives, the workload is much bigger and (if nothing's changed) it will all fall to you.

Ask him how he thinks the chores should be split. You're working PT, he's not working... would 75%:25% (to him) seem fair? Get him to say what he thinks it should be.

Then suggest he starts by writing a list of chores, and you can sit with him and divide them up. Try suggesting he takes things that will affect him if they don't get done (like shopping and cooking). Just don't start doing his if he can't be bothered - at that stage you need to decide whether this is a deal breaker. It might not be right now, but try to look forward 6 months and consider whether it will be a deal-breaker when you're doing twice as much work (while he does nothing all day) and you're not getting any sleep (while he's snoring his head off).

[LannieDuck]

Oh, and it sounds as if he'll be a SAHD initially, which is great. Make sure he gets used to doing things for the baby himself. Nappies, feeds (if you're bottle feeding), half the overnights, taking baby out by himself sometimes.

This is an opportunity to ensure he becomes an equal parent, esp if you go back to work while he's still at home. It'll save you so much headache later.

[LovingLola]

Does anyone else feel like this?

MN is full of people in your position. Lots of them have several kids. You’re lucky enough to be pregnant with your first. At least you will be lucky enough to be able to ensure you just have one child with the waster you’re unfortunate to have married.

[marly11]

@Lilybo7

Yes. We both work full time (remotely at the moment) but I do everything around the house too, organise all DD's school stuff & packed lunches , clothes, holiday clubs, admin, deal with school fees, tidy up the house constantly, put on washing, load and unload dishwasher, put out bins. Ask DP to do a task eg pick something up from shop, order something we need for DD and he'll say 'yes' then he inevitably won't do it. If I ask again I get "I said I'll do it". Still doesn't get done so I end up doing it.
Ask him to do a DIY job. Same response. If I ask again it's nagging and he 'doesn't respond to nagging' so job doesn't get done. I am usually at my wits end with all of this and the resentment building up is huge!!!! Nip it in the bud now.

Yep this. I left him just recently. Can't believe e order in the house and my lack of irritation on a daily basis...

[hopingtobedally]

Yep
20 years on I'm just about at the end of my rope

[Margo34]

Sympathise OP, in a similar position but 3rd trimester. Although DH did pick up the broom and attempt to sweep our living room. I say attempt, it was a feeble half arsed attempt and the first time he's done it since about 2018. I didn't need to ask him, but the sight of me hoovering the bedrooms and landing before moving onto to scrub the bathroom while almost 7 months pregnant might have made him feel a bit guilty perhaps? Dunno. I asked if he could hoover the stairs as I can't really do them at the moment and he said 'yeah I'll do it later'. It's still not been done. I even left the hoover out for him so he doesn't even need to climb in the cupboard to get it! He cooks dinner sometimes but everything is me and it drives me insane. He can't even manage to open or close curtains without pulling them clean off the rail (and leaves them hanging off)!
So I sympathise, and if you find a solution, let me know how you get on!!

[Cotswolds10]

Same. Left him once the kids were a bit older. Took a BIG financial hit but, Christ, I’m so much happier on a daily basis. Also impossible to get kids to pick after themselves when they have a role model like that in the house. You become everyone’s skivvy. Now he's gone, they understand my expectations and are much much better at pulling their weight. Good luck .

[Happynow001]

@Lilybo7

Yes. We both work full time (remotely at the moment) but I do everything around the house too, organise all DD's school stuff & packed lunches , clothes, holiday clubs, admin, deal with school fees, tidy up the house constantly, put on washing, load and unload dishwasher, put out bins. Ask DP to do a task eg pick something up from shop, order something we need for DD and he'll say 'yes' then he inevitably won't do it. If I ask again I get "I said I'll do it". Still doesn't get done so I end up doing it.
Ask him to do a DIY job. Same response. If I ask again it's nagging and he 'doesn't respond to nagging' so job doesn't get done. I am usually at my wits end with all of this and the resentment building up is huge!!!! Nip it in the bud now.

That sounds such an unfair division of workloads. What do you do for him which you could stop doing so you are not doing all the grunt work? He really doesn't seem to care that you are carrying most of the physical and as well as mental load in your lives.