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When it all gets too much

(17 Posts)
Lacey2019 Mon 06-Jul-20 11:38:30

Hello,

I have wrote on here before at length about my past relationship and my struggles to come to terms and accept it all. My ex fiancée after our break up turned into someone I don't know. He moved on very quickly and was on holiday with someone else very soon after our break up. We had lived together for 3 and a half years and dated for 5. After I sold my house share to him, he was with someone almost immediately and then away on Holiday with them over new year. He has lied and lied throughout about this. I know it is none of my business once we have broken up what he gets up to, but I have always prided myself on honesty. He told me that I should leave a door open for him, that he is very happy but hasn't shared anything online so that he does not hurt me etc. Since we last spoke on the phone, I text him and was ignored. I know due to the current world situation, he has lost his job and is looking to move to the UAE to be with this person he is with. I noticed yesterday, whist making space on my whats app that he has blocked me.

I don't get it after them wanting to have a door open etc why he would now resort to blocking me. I feel so down and depressed with it all in how I was so easy to get over and why someone hes known 5 years with me was therefore nothing.

Has this happened to anyone else? can you please help me to try and make sense of this

OP’s posts: |
SoulofanAggron Mon 06-Jul-20 12:07:06

Block him back, on everything. You'll feel better for doing it. He's not a nice person, and why should you leave a door open for him? He doesn't get to drop you and pick you up when he chooses.

RLEOM Mon 06-Jul-20 12:16:55

He's either just trying to hurt you and isn't with anyone at all or he was cheating on you before he left... or he's just a big, fat lying asshole who you need to completely block out of your life.

Lacey2019 Mon 06-Jul-20 14:33:37

I just can’t understand why he has blocked me on what’s app but not social media, yet he wants a door left open for a friendship.

He’s been to Dubai to visit this girl and egypt on holiday, but there’s no trace anywhere of it as he doesn’t want to ‘hurt me’

OP’s posts: |
litterbird Mon 06-Jul-20 14:39:19

The best and most difficult thing to do in this instance is what others have said. Block everything about him. Please don't question anything anymore as you will never get an answer. He has done what he has done and only he knows why. Trying to find answers will only add to your torment. You are obviously searching on SM to try and find pictures and info about him and his girlfriend. I urge you to stop this and work towards a life without him. Its hard, you will not get closure and don't believe a word he says when he has asked you to keep a door open. He will not be back. You must move on now.

namechange12a Mon 06-Jul-20 15:18:10

OP has it occurred to you that he was cheating on you and didn't meet this woman quickly but had known her for a while?

He's blocked you on Whatsapp because he doesn't want to communicate with you on Whatsapp. That's the reason for anyone blocking someone - they don't want to communicate with them.

He has a girlfriend, he's moved on. That's really hard to hear but he it sounds like he cheated on you OP. I can understand your frustration and hurt, it's natural that you have questions and want an explanation but he's moved on now.

He's a liar and a cheat and in time, you'll see that he did you a favour. You could be married to a liar and a cheat now instead of just stalking them on social media.

OP for the good of your mental health, block him and try to move on with your life. A year from now, you'll wonder what the hell you saw in him.

Lacey2019 Mon 06-Jul-20 16:42:15

Thank you everyone.
It has crossed my mind that he did cheat, although I’ve never wanted to believe it.
I just want him to be happy, I just wish he hadn’t decided to lead me on throughout too

OP’s posts: |
NotaCoolMum Mon 06-Jul-20 17:27:33

“He wants the door left open...”

You need to slam it and lick it OP 💐

NotaCoolMum Mon 06-Jul-20 17:27:48

*LOCK 🙄

rvby Mon 06-Jul-20 17:37:05

@Lacey2019 so sorry you're hurting like this.

Something that stood out to me, is when you said this - I have always prided myself on honesty - my love, something that will make you feel a lot better, is to look closely at this statement and think about why you've applied it to another person.

There is nothing wrong with being honest, it can be a virtue in many situations. But, and I meant this gently, it's not always the best thing to do, and it's not something to expect from anyone else.

That sounds really cynical and brutal I know - but what I mean is, many many many people are dishonest not because they want to lie to you - but because they aren't even honest with themselves. They literally do not know how to tell the truth because the truth makes them feel like a bad person. So they lie, dissimulate, avoid, change the subject, etc. etc. in order to keep themselves from feeling bad.

This guy probably wants to be a good guy in your memory, and in his own mind.

Is that useful to you? No. Is it kind? No, not at all. But it is a powerful motivator for many people. So powerful that they will lie, lie, lie every day, sometimes for decades, just to avoid the feeling of being the bad guy.

Part of growing and maturing in life is waking up to the (often terrifying) realisation that other folk are not like you. And it causes enormous pain to expect other people to be like you, or imagine they are. I did this with my exh and it led me to so much suffering! I really do see where you are coming from. Over and over again I would open my heart, be honest, take responsibility, etc. etc. and every time, he would just take that as my weakness, rather than my love. But I kept doing it, until I learned - he isn't like me.

The pain you're feeling today is your heart and mind struggling to avoid the truth that actually other people aren't trustworthy, that actually, you are much more vulnerable than you thought you were. It hurts a lot to think about that, but it actually hurts more to avoid accepting it.

He fucked you over for his own selfish reasons.
In future, people will try to fuck you over again, for their own reasons. It's a horrible thing. Allow yourself to hurt, but don't fall into the trap of going in circles trying to figure out why he isn't like you. He just isn't - that isn't your fault.

pallasathena Mon 06-Jul-20 18:10:04

And he's keeping you hanging just in case he needs a back up plan if the current plan goes belly up.
Block him and read the book 'Women Who Love too Much'.

stealm Mon 06-Jul-20 18:47:36

Good grief, no.
Just block him on everything and have done.
Take control back.
He doesn't get to decide when or if he picks you up again.
Keeping the door open my arse... just in case it goes pear-shaped with her in Dubai..... if he needs to return to the Uk if it doesn't work out he wants to make sure he has somewhere to go.
Well it won't be to yours. He can fuck right off.

I just want him to be happy, I just wish he hadn’t decided to lead me on throughout too
Who cares if the fucker is happy? You are far too nice for your own good. The only person's happiness you should be concerned with at the moment is your own and I can tell you from bitter experience that having some fucker "keeping a door open" will not make you happy at all - just the opposite.

MikeUniformMike Mon 06-Jul-20 19:01:39

Block him.

Don't question. Just believe the worst and don't think about it.
He was probably cheating on you, he's a bastard and he wants the door left open because he is a narc.

Lacey2019 Mon 06-Jul-20 19:37:03

You’re all so wonderful x

OP’s posts: |
MikeUniformMike Mon 06-Jul-20 21:01:11

Thanks. So are you.

Block him on everything and go NC.
It hurts but it works.
Been there, got the scars and slowly healing.

He's the loser. He lost me.

Lacey2019 Mon 06-Jul-20 21:20:51

Yeah I agree. It’s so sad as I’ve tried so hard to be nice. At the start I was far too overly emotional, but he’s been fine since day one. He’s told me to leave the door open, that he always cares, he went through my mum in March when she asked for something on my behalf and said it’s a shame I couldn’t reach out to him. I just don’t get it and now it’s blocking. We were together 5 years, he’s just absolutely broken me for someone he met in December and has barely seen

OP’s posts: |
Dontletitbeyou Tue 07-Jul-20 06:27:32

Sorry op , but if he is with this woman and they are taking holidays together and he’s been to visit her in Dubai etc , it’s pretty much guaranteed that she wasn’t just someone he met after you’d split up , but was already waiting in the wings .
As for leaving the door open , wtf is that all about . He can take that a little gem and shove it up his arse . I’d have wanted to crack him one for even saying that .
Maybe this woman has forced him to block you , who knows . One thing for sure , you’re well rid of him . He’s just a headfuck .Block him , be kind to yourself , go out with friends try to get back to enjoying life , who knows what’s around the corner , better than what he’s got to offer that’s for sure

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