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Is this financial abuse?

(212 Posts)
Rocksandriches Sun 05-Jul-20 09:08:25

We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

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amy85 Sun 05-Jul-20 09:09:47

Yup he's a dick

Skyliner001 Sun 05-Jul-20 09:11:12

This is really worrying, you are providing the childcare, and yet you are being able to feel like you are in a subservient position. I think a really full and frank conversation is needed, and a new plan going forward. You are in a partnership, which should hopefully be for life, so things need to be much more joined up.

amy85 Sun 05-Jul-20 09:12:03

He gets 110k only have to pay for basic bills to pay yet is happy for his wife to go without!!!
Has he always been so stingy?!

Bagelsandbrie Sun 05-Jul-20 09:12:09

Yes that’s financial abuse. You should have equal and shared access to family money and equal spending money.

For interest dh earns £40k and I am a sahm. We have equal spending money. All our money goes into a household account where all bills come out of and we transfer a set and equal amount to our own (joint) but separate accounts. We can both see all our accounts online but neither of us tells each other what to spend. Very large purchases we discuss together.

£500 isn’t a lot for food during lockdown if he’s such a high earner! We spend about £250 on food a week at the moment! (Family of 4 including one disabled child who has a difficult diet).

What is your dh spending his money on? He sounds very selfish.

Quartz2208 Sun 05-Jul-20 09:12:56

Yes you have no say and do you need to watch the amount you eat because you cant buy more food.

You seem to live in poverty OP

Headandheart Sun 05-Jul-20 09:13:08

What happens if you tell him it’s not enough money and he needs to give you more?

FritataPatate Sun 05-Jul-20 09:13:31

Yes. Money within a marriage should be shared.
Also, he's getting childcare, cleaning etc for less than £7k pa. Find out how much he would pay in the real world and bill him accordingly.

Rocksandriches Sun 05-Jul-20 09:13:47

When I was earning it didn’t matter so much - although I took a lower paid job after my first dc than the one I had before.
But I had my own money at least. I don’t like having to ‘ask’ for money - particularly as I know it won’t go down brilliantly.

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Wishforsnow Sun 05-Jul-20 09:14:44

Yes most definitely is financial abuse and you have stopped asking as you are scared of his reaction. You would be better off alone

Quartz2208 Sun 05-Jul-20 09:14:52

Also I assume the children are the same

I would talk to him first and if nothing changes legal advice and leave

Rocksandriches Sun 05-Jul-20 09:15:17

I don’t think £500 is all that much for four and two pets. Dh usually works away some of the month and so just by virtue of the fact he’s here all the time at the moment (and drinking about eight cups of expensive coffee a day) means the bill has increased.

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peonyfairy03 Sun 05-Jul-20 09:15:25

Yes it is. My ExH was exactly the same. He made me close my bank account as I was a SAHM and he said I didn’t need it. He used to give me money if I asked for it no allowance though but would want receipts of purchases. It was a horrible existence I now have my own job and a new partner.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 05-Jul-20 09:16:33

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You are being controlled and this controlling behaviour like you describe from him here is abusive.

This is financial abuse and he is using money and your lack of overall access to it to further control you and in turn the kids. I would also think that he is abusive towards you in other ways too; such men are rarely only financially abusive.

My guess also re your not eating much comment is that you have and often go without eating so that your children can eat. Apart from not being able to buy a coat and or shoes without him, when was the last time you had a haircut pre the lockdown we're now coming out of gradually?. You have no life of your own with this man and nor for that matter do your kids; they see all too clearly how you are being treated here by their awful dad.
He will in all likelihood try and sabotage any and all attempts for you to go back to work and or regain some financial independence.

Rocksandriches Sun 05-Jul-20 09:16:59

The problem is it makes me feel powerless.
There’s things that desperately need repairing in the house - our shower hasn’t worked for five years - but I can’t just ring up someone and sort it because I’ve got no access to any money.

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Quartz2208 Sun 05-Jul-20 09:17:09

£500 isnt much at all

Are you happy OP?

MadeForThis Sun 05-Jul-20 09:18:49

What does he spend the rest of HIS money on?

longtimecomin Sun 05-Jul-20 09:19:01

This is definitely financial abuse. What is he spending it all on, you should go through the last 6 months spends together and agree a way forward. If he gets angry (I suspect he will because he wants to control you) leave him.

Rocksandriches Sun 05-Jul-20 09:19:09

I only get my haircut if I have vouchers for my birthday / Christmas.

Actually he’d be thrilled if I got a job and it meant he didn’t have to give me any money at all. I mentioned looking for something the other day and all he had to say was ‘how much would it pay?’ I suspect I’d have to cover the childcare costs from anything I got. I also don’t get child benefit because of dh earning so much.

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Rocksandriches Sun 05-Jul-20 09:20:18

I think he saves a lot. But if he wants something - new golf club, golf t shirt etc (which costs about five of anything I buy for me 😂) he gets it. Just as and when.

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whensmynexthol1day Sun 05-Jul-20 09:20:33

Has he told you what he is doing with the rest of the money? £110k is a hell of a lot of income?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 05-Jul-20 09:20:54

Is it possible for you to call Womens Aid or at the very least go to a Boots the chemist?. I mention Boots because many of this store's consultation rooms now have direct access to domestic violence based helplines. You need to plan your exit from this abusive marriage with care, your safety and welfare here is paramount.

Your children cannot grow up thinking this abusive treatment of you (and in turn them) as their mother is to be their norm too.

fuckinghellapeacock Sun 05-Jul-20 09:21:22

Divorce him, you'll be much better off.

Quartz2208 Sun 05-Jul-20 09:22:01

OP this is one of the worse cases of financial abuse I have read to be honest and isnt a relationship

Why do you stay - leaving would be much happier for you I think

Rocksandriches Sun 05-Jul-20 09:23:23

I think he allows himself about £700 a month free spending.
I have £550 but out of mine comes the above. His petrol is paid for by his company. His phone as well. He doesn’t have the children 7 days a week so isn’t paying for things for them. He doesn’t pay for their clothes. So that £700 is his for whatever he wants. And then I think he saves the rest. Or uses some extra if he wants to / needs to.

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