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Female friend keeps me a secret from Husband

(50 Posts)
Leftoverloaf Sat 04-Jul-20 21:15:47

Hello, first time posting here so I hope it's ok! I met this girl through work a few weeks ago and we have continued to talk via text over a number of weeks and have become extremely good friends. Just two people with a lot in common!

We are both in long term relationships, in fact, she is married for 7 years. However, she has kept me a secret from her husband for some unknown reason. Her husband is very neutral and is not the jealous type at all. In fact, she has disclosed some very personal information to me (Essentially that they have a non existent sex life). Our texts at times, also become very flirtatious, telling each other how much we fancy each other, what would happen if we weren't with other people etc. etc.

We video a few times a week and just catch up with each other and talk about our shared interests. I'm now reaching the point where I am starting to develop feelings towards her. Which makes me a B*****D I know. I would break off my current relationship in the event things between me and this friend progressed into anything 'further' and to be honest, my current relationship has been on a downward slope for months...

As far as I am aware, she is 100% committed to our FRIENDship and isn't looking for anything else. So I'm really looking for some advice here. I would like to tell her the way I feel but I'm worried that would kill the friendship dead, and I definitely don't want that. But as you can imagine I'm left speculating how she really feels due to the way we talk, how she keeps me a secret and the often flirtatious nature of our conversations.

Has anyone experienced something similar before? Thank you for any advice in advance, this has been boggling my mind for weeks!

OP’s posts: |
NotaCoolMum Sat 04-Jul-20 22:19:23

By “friendship” I assume you mean “affair”. You’re headed into very dangerous territory.

Krazynights34 Sat 04-Jul-20 22:21:38

OP sorry to be the first to respond. I just hate seeing unanswered posts.
So hope my response generates responses for you.
Are you in a same sex relationship?
Is there any chance she’s just messing around with your feelings for an ego boost?
I’m not in a same ex relationship but if I were to contact a woman in the way she is, I’d be needing to know if the other woman was genuinely interested... in which case she would say something.
Have either of you actually said something in real life to each other?

namechange12a Sat 04-Jul-20 22:23:22

You're having an emotional affair.

Advice? Have some integrity and stop acting like an arse.

IlanaWexler Sat 04-Jul-20 22:24:26

Our texts at times, also become very flirtatious, telling each other how much we fancy each other, what would happen if we weren't with other people


I'm left speculating how she really feels

Sounds like you already know

Smashtastic Sat 04-Jul-20 22:25:06

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

She keeps you secret because your having an affair.

Dollyrocket Sat 04-Jul-20 22:27:42

Why haven’t you ended your current relationship?

gamerchick Sat 04-Jul-20 22:28:25

1+1 man grin

She's having an emotional affair with you and likely it's not the first time. Hence keeping you a secret. Or she's enjoying the feels, knowing it won't go anywhere. You're her titillation.

Lolalovesroses Sat 04-Jul-20 22:40:44

If your current relationship has been on a downward spiral for months, you should think long and hard whether or not you want to continue in it. Be respectful to your current partner, stop flirting with your new friend. Plough all your energy into your existing partner, if it doesn't get better finish it. You are getting more attached than you should be because your own relationship is lacking. It's just a bit of escapism, but it's really unfair. It'll be hard in the short term, but in the long term it will save you a whole world of pain.

Honestlyitstrue Sat 04-Jul-20 22:41:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somethingkindaoooo Sat 04-Jul-20 22:45:23


OP- you are a cliche.

Your relationship is on a downward spiral, so instead of:
1) putting energy into fixing it
2) leaving your current partner

You choose to:
A)Treat your current partner with contempt. So, she can keep you warm until your 'friend' makes up her mind? Can you not be on your own? Are you unable to be unsupervised, like a small unruly child?
B) Help someone else lie to hers- this treating HIM with contempt

Grow up OP.
If you want to be with someone else, fine. You are free to do so- just grow up, and stop being a dishonest ass to your current partner.


CodenameVillanelle Sat 04-Jul-20 22:46:47

This isn't a friendship - stop kidding yourselves for goodness sake. You're having an affair.

merryhouse Sat 04-Jul-20 22:47:05

You need to stop texting this woman.

You don't have a friendship.

I don't know whether she wants an Actual Affair or just what she's got now (which is why she picked you, as someone attached and therefore "safe").

If your current relationship is worth saving, then work on it. If it's not, then you should end it irrespective of what happens with someone else.

Either way, you shouldn't be indulging in such talk with someone who's in a committed relationship.

Ohnoherewego62 Sat 04-Jul-20 22:50:46

OP, just stop it.

Ridiculous behaviour. What is this? A few weeks and you're head over heels and already to let your dying relationship go? Is she your plan B encase your current relationship falls through? I think you know what way this is heading.

@Honestlyitstrue- what do you actually feel guilty for?? You watched the lines cross and blur and got caught up with it before going along with it. How does it work out now that you still work together?

Honestlyitstrue Sat 04-Jul-20 22:56:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohnoherewego62 Sat 04-Jul-20 23:00:16

Did you consider your partner before you done it though? I'm asking genuinely. How can you look at them and not feel bad enough to keep this illusion up?

I have no idea of why people do this. Why not tell your partner I am unhappy, can we fix this before running into someone else's arms? Your work colleague should never have tried it on first either. I'm sure it's very difficult.

I appreciate your honesty BTW. Just it is genuinely difficult when you agree to commit to someone and then break it.

Mittens030869 Sat 04-Jul-20 23:00:39

You know that what you're both doing isn't right. If you want to be together, you both should end your relationships first before you pursue a relationship with each other. (Assuming that your friend is looking for another relationship and not just flirting.

Honestlyitstrue Sat 04-Jul-20 23:07:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsDogLady Sat 04-Jul-20 23:07:56

So you two disclose very personal information, are very flirtatious, admit much physical attraction, and discuss what you would do if single?

You are cheating and making fools of your partners. Your trusting GF deserves better than your dishonesty, disloyalty and infidelity.

Wyntersdiary Sat 04-Jul-20 23:12:03

This is not friendship. This is an Affair.. thats why she hasnt told him.

Ohnoherewego62 Sat 04-Jul-20 23:13:26

@Honestlyitstrue, I appreciate your responses! One last question though. Why are you still with your partner? You seem really unhappy and you can't spend the rest of your days feeling guilty or worrying about being found out. You can't live miserable forever. For whatever reason that you decided to cheat, was it not a wake up call that you just weren't happy?

Wyntersdiary Sat 04-Jul-20 23:13:34

also its not that hard to just stay away from someone you fancy. simple... dont be friends.

No need to go telling eachother how you both like eachother... what was the point unless you are both wanting to take it further??

your just an excuse making Ass

SoulofanAggron Sat 04-Jul-20 23:15:33

Which makes me a B*****D I know. I would break off my current relationship in the event things between me and this friend progressed into anything 'further' and to be honest, my current relationship has been on a downward slope for months

Stop flirting with her and all inappropriate talk. Finish your current relationship before asking other women if they're interested etc (which you could ask if and when she leaves her husband.) Having 'someone lined up' before you leave a relationship is naff. Just leave before you get involved with anyone new. That way you're doing the decent thing.

LesNanas Sat 04-Jul-20 23:17:57

Snort. So you think the fact that she keeps you a secret from her husband is the main issue here?

Honestlyitstrue Sat 04-Jul-20 23:20:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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