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Husband’s secret email to his ex - what does it mean?

(236 Posts)
Shimmerpowder Sat 04-Jul-20 10:12:27

I’ve just discovered that in February, before lockdown, my husband met up with an old flame without telling me. He was in town for work trip and secretly arranged to meet her for drinks and dinner. The next day he emailed her:

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again because I really enjoyed myself last night and it was so good to see you again. I really value our friendship and it felt so easy talking to you and hearing all of your stories about your life, friends and family. It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you, and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again.

Till that happy day


I feel frightened by this, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable. I know this person but not at well, he had a kind of on-off thing with her before we got together. He has been ‘friends’ with her (but barely in touch and never seeing her) for fifteen years. If he’d wanted to meet up with her and told me, I would have been okay with it, but not ecstatic. But he has hidden it.

What should I think?

OP’s posts: |
GrannyBags Sat 04-Jul-20 10:15:52

How did you find out? Could you ask him about it?

sonjadog Sat 04-Jul-20 10:16:20

It sounds like he fancies her and that he would like to spend more time with her.

FunnyInjury Sat 04-Jul-20 10:16:33

He fancies her 🤷‍♀️
He'd have told you otherwise, even just mentioning it in 'guess who I bumped into and had dinner with' way.

Email sounds like it's not reciprocated though.

Joker123 Sat 04-Jul-20 10:17:42

I would think he is fishing.

Did she respond?

Atalune Sat 04-Jul-20 10:21:09

Yes not good.

Confront him? His reaction will be very telling.

9millioncansofbeans Sat 04-Jul-20 10:21:30

Only reasons he sent the email is she didn’t reply To the text . So I doubt there’s anything to worry about in terms of her. But I would be concerned about why he didn’t tell you. And all the “life affirming” nonsense. He sounds like he is crushing hard which is very disrespectful to you.
How did you see the email?

hustler2020 Sat 04-Jul-20 10:23:17

not wanting to upset you but does sound dodgy

Zeroenergy Sat 04-Jul-20 10:26:50

It’s the ‘life affirming’ bit that gets me. Sort of comes across like seeing that person has changed things for him somewhat? That’s how it comes across but I hope it’s not the case for your sake.

Perro Sat 04-Jul-20 10:30:45

This is how the affairs of the husbands of two of my friends started. Meeting as friends with ex girlfriends who reminded them of earlier, responsibilty-free times in their lives.

Minniee Sat 04-Jul-20 10:40:57

WTF? He fancies her and he's trying his luck.

What a prick.

Bagelsandbrie Sat 04-Jul-20 10:43:07

Wow I would be absolutely livid! shock It’s not acceptable to meet up with an ex. And the email is really pushing the boundaries. I may be harsher than some because my ex dh left for an ex he’d found on Facebook but seriously I would be furious.

OlivetheTree Sat 04-Jul-20 10:46:19

Really sorry OP but that email is very clearly fishing, and is disrepectful to you - as was meeting her and not telling you.

Besom Sat 04-Jul-20 10:50:57

I'm sorry OP but it looks like he is fishing as it"s too OTT. It's not 'reasonable' especially as he didn't tell you.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 04-Jul-20 10:52:07

Urgh! Life affirming? FFS what is he, 15?! Totally over-stepping and cringey but he’s cleverly done it in a way that neither your nor she can accuse him of being a snake, as he can pretend it’s just friendship if she tells him it’s inappropriate and rebuffs him or - as happened - you see it.

He’s a twat OP, sorry flowers

Tiny37373 Sat 04-Jul-20 10:54:18

Would you send an email like that to another man? How would he feel if you did?

For me it's cringey and over the top. Far beyond platonic, polite friendliness. I wouldn't be happy.

ThinkPink71 Sat 04-Jul-20 10:55:13

The fact he messaged her to say he enjoyed the night then emailed her shows hes trying to prompt a further conversation with her.

I would be fuming..and im quite laid back

IndieTara Sat 04-Jul-20 10:55:30

Just no

Sooobooored Sat 04-Jul-20 11:01:14

The life-affirming bit stuck out for me too.

He sounds smitten.

If I was her and it was genuinely just a friendship for me, I would hate that message. On the other hand, is she interested?

Have you confronted him? Does he know you know?

I would

Neednewwellies Sat 04-Jul-20 11:07:50

It’s not an affair email but it is a tentative fishing email. He is telling her how good she made him feel; how youthful.

My guess is he’s not made up his mind to be unfaithful yet. He’s probably justifying it by telling himself they’re just friends. However, she very clearly does something for him and he wants more of it. She reminds him of his youth and he will juxtapose that with you, his now, his middle age, mortgage ridden monotony. It’s somewhat pathetic but not uncommon.

You need to decide what you want to do. Wait until they have sex? Even if she’s unwilling he’s clearly restless so there’s a chance he’ll have another affair anyway. Or confront him now, tell him you know, it was inappropriate and hugely disrespectful first to keep it from you then to tell another woman that seeing her was life affirming. Keep the upper hand whatever you decide. If you tell him, let him know you know it was a fishing email at the very least looking for compliments if not sex.

Neednewwellies Sat 04-Jul-20 11:09:20

Do you know if they’ve had contact since lockdown?

birthdaybelle Sat 04-Jul-20 11:09:33

It's beggy and pathetic which alone is bad enough. Who wants their husband to come across like that?

It all part of the script isn't it.... meeting a woman from the past who represents all things freedom. Plus she comes across as soooo interesting and intelligent and hilarious because she's not bogged down with washing his pants and hearing him burp and fart.

It's such an embarrassing cliche. Did you come by the email legitimately? Could you tell him you know?

GilbertMarkham Sat 04-Jul-20 11:10:48

Angling for an affair.

Already getting into a (one sided?) emotional affair.

The fact that he wasn't open and honest about meeting her is huge.

Then there's that licky, ott follow up. Flattering and trying to (further) forge their connection.

He's not trustworthy, sorry.

He either wants an affair (emotional and/or physical) or he would leave if she got involved with him.

I'd say nothing while I had a careful, comprehensive look at your situation if you were to split/ he were to leave you.

I have no doubt of you confront him, you' "overreacting", and it will have been nothing, and he didn't tell you because it didn't matter and blah blah blah.

GilbertMarkham Sat 04-Jul-20 11:13:01

What are her circumstances incidentally, is she single?

GilbertMarkham Sat 04-Jul-20 11:14:01

Till that happy day

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