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Do all marriages turn boring eventually?

(68 Posts)
angelofmum Fri 03-Jul-20 16:06:54

I love DH very much, together 12yrs, in our 30's and young kids but I'm bored with him.
His sex drive dwindled after we had kids and he works in the city so is stressed/tired a lot. I'm on my own a fair bit with the kids as a SAHM and lockdown has re-inforced my boredom. I feel restless and desperate for some excitement from the opposite sex.
I've lost all my baby weight after DC2, which was hard work and I'm feeling good in myself for the first time in years. DH knows there is an issue with his sex drive but I'm not seeing him try very hard to a) figure out why b) what he can do to work on it/how I can help support him. I want someone to notice me and I'm missing that spark and sexual attraction you get when you meet someone you like.
I have an intense crush on a guy I know that gets stronger when my relationship isn't great. Not looking to have an affair but I feel stuck as I can't change DH, he has to want to put the effort in to making our relationship better from his side (I feel like I put the effort in from mine). Reading posts on this forum and listening to friends I'm wondering if most relationships die a death at some stage and if they ever come back to life?

OP’s posts: |
Dullardmullard Fri 03-Jul-20 16:31:47

Have you actually spoken to him about all of this ?

Spelt it out that you might want to end your marriage

Leave the other guy out of this cold turkey there forever a you won’t be able to see things clearly

Marriages relationships all have their ups and downs and yes life can be damn boring but then it picks up again.

I do believe lockdown has magnified everything we don’t normally see and we are questioning things.

Time for a talk I think.

lazylinguist Fri 03-Jul-20 16:36:12

Depends what you find boring, I guess! Probably some people aren't that fussed about excitement or sex and are happy for their relationship to be non-boring in other ways. Only you can decide what is too boring for you.

Weetabixandcrumpets Fri 03-Jul-20 16:37:45

There does seem to be a lot of this around at the moment and I think @Dullardmullard has a point. Lockdown has made everything bleurghhhh. there is no summer of fun to look forward to, we've all missed friends and popping to coffee shops and pubs, it is hard to entertain the kids...instead we have been stuck talking dull routine to the same people day in and day out, usually wearing leisurewear and with bad hair!
Well done on getting back in shape after the baby, carry on making yourself into the absolute tiger you are and start talking honestly to your DH. It's worth a shot.

concertlover Fri 03-Jul-20 16:39:09

Leaving lockdown aside for now, you need a hobby or hobbies so that your life is more than just home. Something that involves meeting other people: male & female.

concertlover Fri 03-Jul-20 16:41:30

Sorry no one had answered when I started typing. I'm so slow!

angelofmum Fri 03-Jul-20 16:45:01

We have talked at length and things improve for a short time but then back to the way it was. Lockdown has made it worse for sure as we're in each other's faces all the time. We get on pretty well and he said he still finds me attractive etc.. he just feels a bit flat and has zero sex drive.
I've suggested counselling/CBT for him to work through any issues.
When I see this other guy around locally my heart skips a beat. I'm avoiding seeing him as my crush on him was getting very intense at one point. I can see why though and it's definitely to do with wanting some attention and to feel like I'm still young and attractive to someone as DH doesn't show it much😕

OP’s posts: |
angelofmum Fri 03-Jul-20 16:50:56

Annoyingly hobbies I'm into are always female orientated - it would be nice to get into something where I can meet a mix of people. Any suggestions? I was going to the gym pre-lockdown but didn't speak to anyone when I was there, no one tends to in the weights section🙃
It's definitely true that lockdown has stripped away all fun and free time. As much as I love my kids I don't want to be surrounded by them 24/7. DH and I would usually have date nights but it's been more like watching Netflix in silence in the evening as we're tired.
It's nice to escape in my mind and fantasise about being taken away from the drudgery by this hot guy I have a crush on, but then I feel miserable when I realise this is it for me (for now anyway).

OP’s posts: |
Crystalspider Fri 03-Jul-20 16:59:23

My marriage did get boring at times but I do miss being in a relationship, i'm single now so while I can choose different men it's actually not easy to find another for comittment so sometimes you have either one or the other!
In the end the excitment does wear off and I think you just have to work at it unless it becomes too much of an issue.

concertlover Fri 03-Jul-20 17:00:48

OK. About hobbies. In my case I play an orchestral instrument & I play in a wind band & an orchestra. Both of these have members of both sexes & all ages.

Dullardmullard Fri 03-Jul-20 17:02:34

In both posts you’ve mentioned your crush this has to stop now or you won’t want to sort your marriage out as your head has been turned

You need to find something to do with your time and not with husband or kids and this is hard the now but things are going back to semi normal so that shOuld help a bit.

You need an honest talk with your husband or you’ll be back saying you’ve spilt up.this is the calm talk and ask him what he wants too
Counselling might help but only if you can afford it.

Bagelsandbrie Fri 03-Jul-20 17:05:01

I am older than you and been married a similar amount of time and yes I think marriage can be boring, I’m sure dh would agree! We have had our fair share of disasters- work, chronic health issues, disabled child etc. We are both shattered all the time and hardly ever have sex, neither of us is bothered. But - we love each other, like family. I couldn’t be without him. I think that’s what long term marriage is like really.

I’ve been married before when I was younger and felt the way you do now. I think I just wasn’t settled really. I was bored and longing for more romantically and sexually. I couldn’t believe that was it for me and then dh obviously felt the same. He left me for an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook. I then had a wild time with a younger man I worked with (similar to your crush situation) and then felt bored of it all and settled down again and then sometime later after that I met dh and realised I did want a family / boring middle aged life complete with someone to share my day and life with, good and bad.

I think the media makes us think we all have to be shagging non stop and having butterflies and fanny flutters all the time but that’s not real life in my experience.

Squeakyjoint Fri 03-Jul-20 17:09:54

Yes they do. Then one or both tend to ‘find ways out’ it’s sad that people don’t seem to have the same patience anymore. Just like boring times there should be good times. You might feel good and that’s great, does DH? Is there something you’ve missed?

31133004Taff Fri 03-Jul-20 17:10:26

This might be harsh. I left my marriage because it was boring. Discovered subsequently, me! I’m boring. 🙄 Hindsight being a glorious luxury, should not have expected my husband to perk me up. That’s my job.

tempnamechange98765 Fri 03-Jul-20 17:13:00

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 6, 2 young DC.

He annoys the hell out of me sometimes but our marriage is definitely not boring. We don't have sex anywhere near as often as we used to pre DC or even pre second DC, but we fancy each other, I definitely feel that interest from him, he tells me I look good etc and vice versa.

So no I don't think all marriages turn boring. It's a shame your DH has these issues and no one can blame you for being fed up.

Sorry haven't RTFT but what does he say on the matter if you've asked him to seek help for his libido?

concertlover Fri 03-Jul-20 17:14:35

You begin by saying that you love your husband very much. What is the nature of that love?

VictoriaBun Fri 03-Jul-20 17:23:26

So let's play this forward , you are out and about one day without your dcs and you see this man , you both look at each other for just a little too long and both smile , and you look away. He walks over to you and invites you for a drink, you go . He offers
you a quick shag and you do. How do you feel now ? Are you happy to go home and pretend nothing has happened ? What happens if man wants a repeat performance, are you tempted ?
Could you live with yourself if it gets found out , marriage break up , devastated kids etc .
Fantasies are best kept in the mind op.

BackforGood Fri 03-Jul-20 17:28:20

I am older than you and been married a similar amount of time and *yes I think marriage can be boring, I’m sure dh would agree! We have had our fair share of disasters- work, chronic health issues, disabled child etc. We are both shattered all the time and hardly ever have sex, neither of us is bothered. But - we love each other, like family. I couldn’t be without him. I think that’s what long term marriage is like really.

I relate to a lot of this . Been married more than twice the length of time though. If you start analysing anything, you will find boring bits. I love my job, but there are parts of it that are boring and parts that are a pain, but, ^overall I can't imagine a better job. I've had some great holidays, which I'd totally recommend, but they've involved hours of sitting around waiting, often during traveling.
Marriage is like any of those - it isn't all high octane romance. It is a wonderful thing when you are comfortable with each other and totally dependent on each other. Of course when (one of you is ) busy at work and you have young children, it is a time when your energy is being used up elsewhere. It is bound to be different from the honeymoon period. But there will come a time when the dc are grown and you have more time for one another, that you enter a new phase again n your marriage.
The issue seems to be that you seem to put all your 'value' into how you look hmm. What have you done in the past together that you've enjoyed ? What makes you laugh together ? What could you do now that means you aren't bored ?

Echobelly Fri 03-Jul-20 17:31:16

I think it goes up and down. There are phases when things are boring and 'meh' but I think they are generally recoverable, and better times do come again.

yellowsunset Fri 03-Jul-20 17:37:29

If there are so many issues you need to address them directly with dh and if necessary leave if no effort is made. Though you seem more concerned with "male" hobbies and talking yourself into a "exciting" affair as a distraction from the real problem.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Fri 03-Jul-20 17:38:24

Annoyingly hobbies I'm into are always female orientated

What's the issue with that, op?

If you are doing the hobby to have fun and because you enjoy it, why does it matter that it's female orientated? Or are you looking for a hobby where you can meet men?

trappedbytheangel Fri 03-Jul-20 17:46:59

Hot crush? Oh dear. This frankly sounds ridiculous. It seems to me that you are bored, not the marriage. There's plenty out there to do - and I do not understand the "female orientated hobbies" comment - do you want to meet more men to have another hot crush?

ladybee28 Fri 03-Jul-20 17:50:13

Watch this, OP

Esther Perel works on exactly these issues - and her books "Mating in Captivity" and "The State of Affairs" are excellent.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Fri 03-Jul-20 17:54:56

Could your dh have withdrawn op because of your propensity to develop hot crushes? Do you have "mentionitis" and he's noticed?

Idontlikewednesdays Fri 03-Jul-20 18:07:24

I’ve been married for over 20 years. It’s never been hard work or boring.

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