Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading . started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

[Choice4567]

Hi OP. I remember reading the other thread but I didn’t get that far before I couldn’t find it again. I may not know the full story. But good luck. Not that long to go now, and things will get better even if it doesn’t feel like it

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Thank you @Choice4567 XXX the thread was brilliant - I have had some amazing help , support, love and practical advice whilst I was coming to my decision and during all this planning. I will post the link if I can work out how to do it

[bigknickersbigknockers]

I read your thread, how's it going? Hope you are ok and ready to go. Is your husband still on the wagon?

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

@bigknickersbigknockers beat username yes he is - he has sort of thrown himself into this behaviour of showing how he can not drink alcohol ( six weeks tomorrow) and how much healthier / even tempered / communicative he is since that weekend. He occasionally has mood swings but predominantly it is unnerving how he is. I don't know how to explain it . He is being more or less the perfect husband. Which is making me feel all the worse for all the planning I am secretly doing. Due to my two sisters , my boss and my best mate's support , I have a house fully equipped with the basics , ready to move into on Thursday and I feel so bad. Even though I know this is unsustainable , I have a niggly ,- what if this time he can do it ? - feeling . Do you know what I mean ? I feel quite churned up about it all am hoping it's normal to feel like this x I am hugely hugely anxious about leaving esp as I cannot seem to get him out the house under any premise at all on Thursday for just a couple of hours is all I need.

[bigknickersbigknockers]

If you are sure you are doing the right thig (and it sounds like you are sure) then go for it. I left my husband 25 years ago, it wasn't the same circumstances but he was angry, upset etc but he eventually got the message and moved on. It must be so hard for you having children but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[TheWildOnesNeverDie]

You can do this.

If anything, him making efforts to change etc might lead to a better co parenting relationship.

My dad abused my mum for years - drinking, drug taking, emotional and financial abuse. She left with a bin bag of clothes when I was a teen, it was AWFUL.

But it was wonderful for her and I was so so so pleased she’d done it. The relief was immense.

Eventually they managed to forge a friendship, and even though she remembered the good times - it is completely different to be in a Union with someone like that.

Maybe think of a future friendship, rather than holding guilt for a relationship that clearly isn’t working.

Best of luck! Glad you ha e some real life support!

[Zucker]

You are unnerved by his recent show of being well and "good" because you are literally waiting for it all to go wrong and for him to have another almighty blow out. It's no way to live. You sound like you're walking on eggshells around him.

You are doing the right thing.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

I remember your previous thread, but didn't find it again to keep up with developments. You're making a courageous decision which your DC will thank you for in the long term. Offering another hand to hold.

[Theluggagerules]

You are doing so well! The uncertainty/ feeling strange is because you are actually doing something positive and he is acting as if he's always been a great partner and dad. Keep remembering how awful it feels to walk on eggshells waiting for the next incident. I doubt he's changed really but even if he has, do you want to be with someone like that. Who didnt bother stopping drinking before, even if he could have? You are going to have such a better life

[Aquamarine1029]

Don't waver, op. You've given this man loads of chances in the past and he's always blown it. He will again, eventually. Get out and start over.

[Cherrybakewellard]

Been reading your posts, good luck x

[Cherrybakewellard]

Just to say, I haven't been in a similar situation but I would imagine it's natural to have some doubts, particularly if he's showing he has made some cigs he's recently.
Perhaps as time progresses if you feel he really has changed then you can reassess things but I honestly think you need to live in the present on this one and leave while you can.

[Annasgirl]

HI OP,

You have made such a wonderful brave decision to give your DC a better life - of course you have doubts, you are human, and we all fear change even more than we fear the status quo. But you have all prepared and we will be here to hold your hand.

Congrats on all you have done to date. You will feel such relief when this is all done and dusted.

[BacklashStarts]

He’s worn your standards right down hasn’t he? Do you really think that all you’re worth is someone who can basically behave nicely when they absolutely have to do? You are worth a lot more than that.

He’s absolutely blow it and you are doing exactly the right thing.

Just because he can put on the pretence of being a normal person doesn’t mean you have to stay with him for ever.

[bearlyactive]

Handhold OP, and good luck.

[kenandbarbie]

Good luck op! It's natural to worry. Even if he never does it again (he will), you've put up with it for too long. It's too late. You can't live your life waiting for it to happen.

Are dc going with you? I've forgotten how old your dc are sorry.

[forrestgreen]

Just a reminder that you said you've been unhappy for a while and this was the straw that broke the camels back.
It's up to him how he changes his behaviour going forward, but you staying or leaving isn't dependant on that. You can leave a sober husband.

[2bazookas]

I'm sure it's going to be rocky when he finds out. Stay strong and safe.

His big effort to change gives some hope that after the dust settles you can all have a better future as separated parents sharing the children.

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

@TheWildOnesNeverDie - thank you - that gives me hope that we might salvage a workable co-parenting situation , I am so glad your mum did not regret doing it - nothing is ever black and white and of course there have been good times and I hope that I , like your mum , can look back one day and see the same.
@BacklashStarts thank you . You are right - he is just so very , in earnest. But you are right and I am still going ! It's just very counterintuitive the way I see him now . But you are right of course x

[PAND0RA]

Well that’s great that he’s now become the perfect husband. And once you have left I’m sure he will continue to work hard on himself to become a better person and father. And he will understand why you had to leave and he will be able to see things from your point of view and not just his own.

How he behaves in the weeks and months after you leave will show you if this is a real and genuine about turn on his part. Or whether it’s an act to keep you in your place.

I hope for the sake of your children that he totally turns his life around and becomes the father they deserve. And it will make it easier for you and him to co- parent after the separation / divorce.

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Thank you all so much for the positivity x o wish I coul tag you all and respond but I have drawn out my trip to Asda long enough ...he will notice if I am much longer!! Thank you @forrestgreen I needed that reminderxx thank you @kenandbarbie exactly right - I am 42 and I really strongly feel I have spent enough time forgiving and moving on and I can'tdo it anymore ! DS are 17, 10 and very nearly 7 x thank you all lovely people - I always feel more determined after I read your posts xx thank you xx

[Redred2429]

Hand hold op you are so strong

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Pubs open tomorrow, and we have two at the end of ours . But I suspect he won't slip up yet, it wil be Thursday when he realises we are gone. I am taking my amazing little old dog with me - I cannot leave him behind . I just can't !

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Sorry I meant to say the children me and the dog are going , not just me and the dog !!!

[mathanxiety]

Hi there - I was on your previous thread.

Very often when someone has lived for a long time in 'reaction' mode it feels odd and uncomfortable to switch to 'action'.

Reaction mode involves a lot of watching, anticipating, mopping up, smoothing over cracks, damage control, and essentially centering someone else's problem. You do it because you're kind and conscientious, and you get sucked into a dynamic that is very predictable with addiction.

It's not easy at all to change that habit of mind, to center yourself instead of that other person's problem. You find yourself outside of the 'comfort zone' you have been accustomed to. Only as time passes will you see how uncomfortable that zone really was.

Don't misinterpret your discomfort now as a sign that you are doing the wrong thing. Positive decision making and positive action will feel strange when you break out of the orbit of the problem that has dominated your life for the past several years. And don't underestimate the pull of the familiar, the reality of nerves in a new beginning.

In time, if your H stays off the booze and drugs the two of you can be friends. He will be a new person if he can manage that. But for now, keep on reminding yourself that you and the children need and deserve a life that is not spent waiting anxiously for disaster to strike.

Wishing you strength and courage.