Manic Pixie Dream Girl

[DioneTheDiabolist]

^^That's the way men see me. I now realise that it's been a persistent problem since my teens and the reason all my serious relationships have failed.

I am now middle aged and need advice on how to avoid this in the future. How do I achieve an equal, realistic relationship with someone who knows me, loves me and doesn't latch on to the bits of me that they think compliments them, improves them or makes them look better?

[ElizabethMainwaring]

I'm sorry, I don't really understand.
Can you clarify the manic pixie dream girl bit please?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Thanks for responding Elizabeth. Here's the wiki
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl

[Lalala205]

I had to look it up 😳 it basically sounds like the 'quirky girl' (hideous phrase!) in a film whose in her 20s and helping the male love interest to 'find himself' through benefitting from her 'fun filled self that enables him to then lose his, mummy problems, drug taking, or Mr Darcy control freak (I'm an arsehole) type ways?'. .. At 40 I'd just be asking myself can you really be arsed with all that bullshit? I'm 42, and I seriously doubt anyone would even remotely identify me with the words, whimsical, dream girl, or pixie 🤣 Overworked, easily annoyed, and not prepared to waste my time running up someones arse who isn't a responsible fully functioning male adult? Then yes, I can probably identify better... I'd say concentrate on yourself and value your own worth first? Or nobody else will.

[rvby]

I get you OP.

Can you describe yourself and your behavior in relationships a bit more? I dont want to make too many assumptions, the trope makes sense to me but it can mean different things to different people.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I do value myself. I have my own home, family, career, tastes, friends and identity. But to romantic partners I seem to be nothing more than a MPDG.🙄

I would love to find a partner to move through life with. But I seem to fall at that hurdle.

[YukoandHiro]

I totally get this. I ended up marrying someone who initially saw me that way, I think, but we sort of eventually matured together - though he's 12 years my senior.
It is a frustrating trope.
Do you think there are any ways you're encouraging that perspective? Or do you think men make assumptions about you based on your style, interests etc?
Probably the change does have to come from you. Do you feel willing to be your full self, set boundaries etc, from the first date?

[Lalala205]

So can you identify why that seems to happen? Are you meeting potential partners via long standing friendship groups where they may have a predetermined past image they hold of you? Do you think you fall in to an entrenched mode within relationships and find it difficult to move away from presenting a certain persona? I'm not saying it's at all down to you BTW! Sometimes unfortunately people are pigeon holed based on nothing more than being short/tall, or having physical characteristics that others then base crazy assumptions on.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I think I'm me in relationships. I am interested in loads of things. When something is important or someone is excited about stuff, I get that passion. Eg. When I worked in heavy industry, I got excited about hydraulics and plasma cutting.

[Nellydean21]

Be yourself. The old trope of a woman being brought to life is just that old, Pygmalion idea.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Thank you all for your input.

I think I first realised the MPDG thing when an Ex told me he was "disappointed" by i wore a jumper that I wore. My 5yo brother bought it for my birthday and it was comfortable. Double + in my book. When I ended it with him, I told him that I was an actual person and not his drawings or poetry.

Congratulations YukoandHiro. I've not managed to do that. Yet.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

In my last relationship I did suspect it. I asked most recent Ex (2 years ago) if he was attracted to me or the idea of an older cool girl. He said "No".

He was lying. He loved the older cool girl thing plus the parenty stuff I was doing for DS1.

[MyBassIsAce]

Oh, OP. I know this exactly! I'm mid 40s but small and (apparently 'cute' and a bit quirky).

None of the trappings of adult life particularly appeal to me but I'm a professional and run my own home and have raised two children alone. I have lots of passions and interests and I'm fairly assertive about my own needs but also seem to fall into this category.

I'm quite easy going. I have zero tolerance for being treated 'badly' but I don't make 'demands' and rarely feel I'm taken seriously as a person in my own right.

[Puckishly]

OP, more information is needed. Your jumper is not a ‘reason’ why a succession of men have apparently viewed you as a specific quirky film cliché. Why do you think this has happened? How does it manifest itself? Have you not had relationships where it didn’t?

[PermanentTemporary]

Have you had therapy?

[MiniTheMinx]

MyBassIsAce, I can relate to this. I'm mid 40s and I still feel I'm being petted and men seem to see me as something that needs looking after. I've been described as quirky, kookie and cute. I'm also quite small and look young.

But DioneTheDiabolist its had the opposite outcome for me, I've always attracted men who I can never quite escape. In my 20s I moved house and went AWOL to avoid one such ex. In my 30s I spent years trying to convince my ex we were over. Although I can understand that men may feel quite disappointed or confused when confronted with the fact you do have your own ideas, and needs and can act independently. My own DH is often tearing his hair out because I make decisions independent of him, decisions I believe are reasonable and others routinely make on their own behalf. I'm constantly asserting a need for autonomy. He adores me, is loyal and very much besotted but I feel he is often confused by my contradictions. Whilst I make bids for independence I also hide and try to avoid responsibility. it's a failure on my part to accept 'adulting' I just don't like being an adult. All the time these behaviours work in my favour, however maladaptive it's fine. But for you, it's not working if you are missing out on fulfilling one of your goals, ie to have a LTR. counselling maybe?

[MyBassIsAce]

I still feel I'm being petted and men seem to see me as something that needs looking after

Yes, very much this!

Whilst I make bids for independence I also hide and try to avoid responsibility. it's a failure on my part to accept 'adulting' I just don't like being an adult

God and this too!