Could do with some perspective or advice on this.
(Warning: this has turned out to be a huge rant and I completely understand if I don’t get any responses! I don't even know if it makes sense but has helped to write things out anyhow)
Have been seeing my BF for just over a year and half. Things have been really good, share the same sense of humour, enjoy spending time together, sex is great etc. He met my DS8 in Feb this year and they get on well.
I am older by a few years and earn substantially more than BF, stressful, high pressure job but as a single Mum I’m proud of how I’ve excelled over the years without the assistance of any maintenance/benefits etc.
Over lockdown BF spent a lot more time at my home (was isolating on his own in own home close by when not with me). During this time I shopped, cooked for us all etc and now that I look back I realise he did not really contribute to any of this in any substantial way e.g. Has forgotten his wallet when going to the shop, didn’t have cash when getting takeout, never so much as brought a treat for my son when visiting before or during lockdown. I get that I earn more but my outgoings are also far greater. But I didn’t really dwell on these instances until last week.
Invited him for dinner with me and DS Mon last week. All fine, dinner lovely, played board games, I had a bottle of wine. Woke up early Tues, did my usual morning routine, dropped off DS to his Dads, called to his school for meeting, did full days work, home and did housework etc. Was due to stay with BF that night but when I rang he seemed off, said he was tired so I let him be and stayed home. Seemed off for the rest of the week too so I didn’t go chasing him, did my own thing.
Arranged to meet BF on Sun, was coming to my house for walk, lunch etc. Went shopping for roast lunch bits together, going around the shop he found a particular meat dish that he said was ‘great value’ and would do for his dinner the following day. He picked up a few other bits too and I suggested he pick up a bottle of wine for himself to go with the roast dinner.
Getting to the till and I just knew he would let all his bits go through with my shopping for lunch, cringed, hoped he wouldn’t do it... and he did.
I was pissed but said nothing, was happy to see him and don’t want to ruin my own Sunday.
Get home, I get our lovely lunch on, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and I get ready to chill with the papers. Then he says he wasn’t just tired all week... that he didn’t want to see my after I had drank wine on Mon night previous. That my mid week drinking is now making him uncomfortable. I ask how it makes him uncomfortable, was it something in my behaviour? He said no, my behaviour does not change at all. I ask if it is the fact that ‘on paper’ I drink too much, potentially borderline high functioning alcoholic? He says yes. He also says when I have a glass of wine of an evening he feels alone. He also admits how totally hypocritical this is as he stands with a glass of wine in his hand.
I tell him I hear him, I understand what he is saying, I will take it on board and think about it but not make any decisions or make much comment right now. We continue with the evening and I ruminate more and more. By the time I go to bed my jaw is clenched and I have a headache.
It is true that I drink more than the average person (2 x midweek / 2 x wknd nights on average). I have never denied that I enjoy a drink and he has with me on numerous occasions. However, I am a great mother, daughter, friend, employee. Hugely involved in parents council/local community groups etc. Alcohol does not affect my productivity.
I feel so judged and hurt. I always welcome him into my home, cook lovely meals, keep my home tidy, clean, warm, he runs up my bills warming ridiculous amounts of water for baths etc and he contributes very little. Then he tells me that I make him uncomfortable in my home by having a few glasses of wine which he admits does not affect my behaviour in anyway. Even if he’d said he was worried about me or my health I would understand but it was all about him.
Am I justified in thinking that this is a red flag, that I shouldn’t be expected to change my behaviour in my own home or feel judged for unwinding with alcohol for the sake of someone else’s comfort who doesn’t live here, pay bills, put food on the table etc. I now can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve paid for shopping/dinners out/greater portions of nights away etc. I know the two things are separate issues but they’re muddling together on my head and I just don’t see a way of coming back from this with him.
If you reached this far, thank you so much and any advice is appreciated.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
BF - issues with unequal spending and my drinking
Meggymoo777 · 02/07/2020 23:01
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