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Advice on what to do(4 Posts)
Me and my partner have been together for almost 2 years now and have a DD who will be 1 in August. We had only known each other and been together 3 months when I found out I was pregnant. We currently live at my mums, in a small double bed, sharing a box room between us and our DD.
Me and my partner haven’t been right for a while now and as we are young and I got pregnant quickly we didn’t really know each other I suppose. He works full time and I’m part time (due to coronavirus). DP feels like because he works longer hours than me I should have to do all of the chores at home and be the primary carer for our DD. Every other day he will cook and on the other day we alternate who washes up. Recently we can’t have a conversation without ending up bickering or arguing but when we do he says things that are hurtful. For example, in the past 2 days he’s said I don’t try my best with our daughter (he never apologised and denied this), that I don’t try with his family, saying no wonder why he wouldn’t want another child with me (when he calmed down he said he’d love another child with me), that he doesn’t care about me anymore and laughed at me when I was trying to tell him to stop because it’s horrible to hear those things. We had an argument over this and him playing football was brought up as he wants to play every Saturday but I suggested perhaps he could play every other weekend instead. He immediately snapped back saying “football was before you and will be way way after you too”. At this point my daughter needed to be put to bed so I took her upstairs. When we argue he goes straight to the things that will hurt me the most and calls me names too. However, when we’re not arguing he’s lovely with helping me out with money, offering to buy me clothes, going to get food if we have a takeaway etc.
I’m so conflicted and am not even sure if I love him anymore because of this but love the idea of us being happy, getting our own place and having another child. He’s a great dad but when we argue he’s vile with the things he says and very rarely apologised and thinks this is ok. I have found his family are similar to this too. I know he struggles to talk about his feelings and emotions but I don’t know if we’ve gone too far in the wrong direction to put this right again. I don’t know whether to rent for a short time with him to see if the stress he feels living with my mum eases but if it doesn’t I could go back home? I don’t know if part of me is still with him and he’s still with me because we’re afraid of being alone forever. (I don’t have many friends or anyone I can speak to, as well as being a young mum so I really feel like I’ll be alone)
Please can someone offer advice on what I can do 😩
Didn’t want to read and run. Sorry you’re having such a rubbish time.
I think the only thing you can try is being open and honest with him about how he behaves when you argue and how it’s making you question the relationship. That you’re not saying these things to hurt him or make him angry- but you need to put boundaries in place before your little girl starts picking up on things- and because no one deserves to be spoken to in that way! Set your boundaries, and set out what will happen if they’re broken (eg he has to sleep somewhere else etc), along with splitting childcare 50/50 on days when you both work and laying out routines so that there’s less room from arguments like that. It’s always going to be harder when you’ve not got your own space- but you must set your boundaries and stick to them. You’re so young and there is so much happiness out there for you. If he’s not it that’s fine! Someone will fall madly, deeply in love with you and you them. You’ll have a wonderful family with, or without him xxx
Thank you so much for your reply and wise words @Babynumber2dueNov ! Ive tried to explain to him that I cant have him speaking to me in that way and that I will leave if he continues to do it. I try and have a conversation with him about it and he just turns it into an argument again and the cycle starts over! I don’t know if it’s partly me due to stressing with living with my mum e.g having to do the dishes straight away and keeping everything tidy. Do you think I should give it a go with renting a place with him for 6 months and see if it improves and if not we can call it a day? Xxx
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