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New to online dating and feel like a fish out of water!

(13 Posts)
Astonsmum1 Thu 02-Jul-20 05:36:32

Hiya, just looking for general.advice and coming on here to get my feelings out. So I've been single for about 6 months now and just recently joined the world of online dating, had an absolute laugh the first few days, got some pretty interesting photos etc shall we say and conversations sent to me, anyways I've started talking to this guy on a regular basis and we talk on the phone every day. The conversation never wears out and no awkward silences, both have a genuine laugh with each other. I met up with him this week for the first time and we totally hit it off. Definetely seeing him again which I'm happy about. I've probably been too loving in previous relationships and maybe full on, I dont know I'm just a very loving person but obviously it's not worked for me so far. Anyways he has given me advice and said that not to overwhelm him or be too full on as he will lose interest, I then started thinking oh crap have I been too full on??? I also overthink things a lot and am quite hard on myself. I apologised and said sorry I didnt think I was being full on and he said you've not been I'm just giving you a heads up 😘. He is very straight to the point and said you'll always know where you stand with me so I'm happy with that and happy to see where things will go. I guess what I'm looking for is genuine advice on do you wait till they text you back before you text them again, dont phone too much? If I take a step back is this really going to make him more likely to.chase me? I've always been the chaser so this gets me anxious and thinking if I dont show interest then will he lose interest but then he has said he will lose interest if I am OTT. As you can tell I am so new to all this. Just looking for other peoples advice and experiences with this kind of thing. He does seem very keen and was nervous at meeting me as he didnt want to get his hopes built up to be dashed so I'm taking that as a positive.

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RuralMuppet Thu 02-Jul-20 06:22:32

All the ones who said to me that I would always know where I stood with them and how they were honest and upfront were the ones messing me around in the background.

Be cautious is my advice. Enjoy it but don't let that wall down too quickly. Meet them quickly to make sure there's something there (you'll learn it's a waste of time chatting and not meeting). But then take it slowly and don't ignore early red flags!

Good luck!

Ps you shouldn't need to play games so if it feels wrong, it usually is!

Eesha Thu 02-Jul-20 07:37:49

Agree with pp, those who say they are honest and upfront, tend not to be!

Your post sounds like me, talked to someone for hours each day on the phone. I would say meet him regularly and see how things go. If he's saying don't overwhelm him, this to me is a red flag saying he could run away any minute, which is what happened to me. But just take things slowly and be aware of red flags.

luckiestgirl Thu 02-Jul-20 07:44:37

I’m somebody who loses interest if someone comes on too strong, and who gains interest if someone gives me a bit of space. I don’t necessarily like it about myself, but I have learned that it’s true.

I sometimes tell people this when we start talking, in a similar way to your guy telling you. I’m not trying to play games, it’s just true, so I like to be upfront about it.

I wouldn’t overthink it if I were you. Sounds like he’s just telling you something he knows about himself.

Astonsmum1 Thu 02-Jul-20 07:50:51

Thankyou, I have a good gut feeling about him that he is genuine, not letting my wall down yet but I think he really does just tell things straight and hes letting me know what would put him off. I guess we shall have to wait and see. X

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Candyfloss99 Thu 02-Jul-20 07:57:53

It doesn't sound good. Waiting a certain amount of time etc to text him back is all game playing. You should be able to be how you want, not worrying that you are too full on. By him telling you this I think he's telling you he doesn't want a proper relationship but just something casual.

DianaT1969 Thu 02-Jul-20 08:08:14

I think he might be telling you he wants something casual. What is his dating history like? Any long relationships? Be cautious about jumping to the next stage with this one. Keep looking and chatting to others on the dating site. It might be what this guy is doing, but he has picked up that you are excited about him and doesn't want to take himself off the market yet.

okiedokieme Thu 02-Jul-20 08:15:03

Arrange to meet at the earliest opportunity is my advice - obviously public place and ideally where you can duck out earlier if it's not going well. Old is fun but you need to be careful - there are however amazing people also looking for love, I did, I'm moving today!

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 02-Jul-20 08:22:25

That would ring alarm bells for me to be honest. I don't like someone telling me how I should be, especially someone I've only just met. It's quite controlling.

ChristmasFluff Thu 02-Jul-20 08:38:18

He's training you to do as he says.

Don't have walls, have boundaries. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who only finds you acceptable when you dance to his tune?

Not to mention that he has come on strong and given you a certain impression at first, and is now back-tracking. He's giving himself a 'get out of jail free' card - 'I told you not to come on too strong! I told you we were casual!'

I'd throw this one back

ChristmasFluff Thu 02-Jul-20 08:44:13

Have you told him what would put you off?

I'd get onto that shit right now - you expect mutual respect at all times; honest, sincere, solutions-oriented communication; and as the relationship progresses, complete fidelity and 50/50 housework.

Or are you going to be the one doing all the hoop-jumping? See how he likes it. Spoiler - he won't.

ChristmasFluff Thu 02-Jul-20 08:47:29

Last of all, only trust your gut when it tells you to run. It is telling you to run, otherwise you would not be posting about this man on Mumsnet, you'd be enjoying the budding relationship, whilst being alert to the signs of what he is really like - he is currently presenting you with his best self (as we all do at the start).

He's thrown up a red flag. Continue your due diligence if you must - and please don't believe you know this man that you have met once.

Astonsmum1 Thu 02-Jul-20 10:06:46

Yeah I've told him what I'm not wanting and that it's a relationship I want, not right now but one that develops. I've also told him i don't want to be a string of girls cause that's just not me and he agreed. So I do have my boundaries and I do have my own expectations.

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