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commitment-phobe?

(12 Posts)
realist252 Wed 01-Jul-20 02:05:42

I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months, he is 32 and I have just turned 30. We get on great and have a good relationship for the most part, but I am concerned that he may be afraid of long-term commitment.

More recently, our relationship has developed some depth which I am pleased about. Previously it was all light and fun, which is all well and good, but in the last few months he has been able to drop his guard and be more vulnerable with me, which I see as a good thing.

However, I seem to always be the one thinking about the future of the relationship whereas he doesn't seem to think beyond today. For example, I was the one who had to establish whether we were 'seeing each other' or in a relationship three months in. Any time I have tried to broach the subject of a future with him, I get answers such as 'why are you putting pressure on the relationship? Let's just enjoy now' or 'I don't really have a plan for the future'.

Last week I tried to end the relationship, giving him the reason that we obviously want different things - me, committed and long term relationship and him something more light and fun. He told me then that he did see a future with me and when I pointed out that he'd never said that to me before, he said that he didn't think he needed to because he shows it to me. By that, I suppose he means making medium term plans like going on holiday in Jan/Feb next year, helping me with the house I have recently bought, making an effort with my friends and family etc.

I am feeling a little torn as I know of other couples who have committed to each other and talked about a long term future and yet been cheating on each other the whole time, so I know talk is cheap. But at the same time I'd like some reassurance that he would like a long-term committed relationship or that he sees marriage/children in his future (even if it ends up not being with me!)

he was single for many years before we got together and he is not a deep thinker so I wonder if he even knows the answer to this himself.

How do you know if someone is afraid of long term commitment?

OP’s posts: |
realist252 Wed 01-Jul-20 02:07:18

I should add, the reason I am pleased about the extra depth in our relationship now is because I feel it gives it more meaning and it has been a long time coming. It took him a little while to warm up to let his guard down, perhaps it will take him a little while to commit to wanting something long term and serious? Or is this wishful thinking?

OP’s posts: |
realist252 Wed 01-Jul-20 02:14:28

one more thing - I have not met his family, which seems strange to me. He has met mine as I have been living with them up until recently. His mum asked him to leave home 10 years ago as they weren't getting on so he is extremely independent and only goes back occasionally so this could be a reason why. When I have questioned him about it he has said that his mum is embarrassing and says the wrong thing a lot of the time which is why he is reluctant to introduce me, and that he finds things like that awkward (he was so nervous about me meeting his friends that he ended up getting accidentally drunk beforehand!). But they do only live a half hour drive away so I think it is reasonable to expect to have met them by now? They do know about me and talk about me.

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Wed 01-Jul-20 02:54:35

I don't really know what you want more than 'medium term plans' like holidays after 18 month. That seems fair to me. I think I'd get a bit ancy if he started bringing up kids with me that soon for example...I mean, to each their own I guess.

I'd maybe be expecting a marriage discussion in a year or two but that's about it until such a time.

Not reality sure what more you want from him. It's a relationship. Its exclusive. You still like eachother after 18 month...

Tbf the not meeting his family thing is a bit odd I suppose. Do they know about you?

Bunnymumy Wed 01-Jul-20 02:59:21

*sorry you say they do.
...or...he says they do?

Have you asked if he wants to be married and have kids one day (not necessarily with you). Best to check that.

realist252 Wed 01-Jul-20 04:19:47

Bunnymumy

*sorry you say they do.
...or...he says they do?

Have you asked if he wants to be married and have kids one day (not necessarily with you). Best to check that.

Yes, the family do know about me - I hear him on the phone to them talking about me. I am hoping to have the conversation about what he sees in his future but I'm a bit worried I might scare him off..

OP’s posts: |
RLEOM Wed 01-Jul-20 06:59:34

After 18 months, I'd have expected to meet his family. Are you sure you're not an affair partner?

RLEOM Wed 01-Jul-20 07:00:23

Sorry, just read your last comment.

Bunnymumy Wed 01-Jul-20 13:58:15

Hmm I would have had the convo about what we each wanted from life at about 6 month in or even less. You could literally bring it up at the very start of a relationship tbf so if it scares him off now then the dude has serious issues, unrelated to you.

I'd just be straight 'look, this relationship has been fun but I need to check that we are on the same page going forward. What do you want from life and what do you want it? What do you want from this relationship? Is it for the long term?'

And don't be afraid to state your own desires.

'Cool, well I'm hoping to be married with a couple of tots by the time I'm 36 and maybe to move closer to the coast with my husband. Want to be part of that?'

Yes

'Good. Right well I'd like to meet your parents now then'.

Bull by the horns.

Bunnymumy Wed 01-Jul-20 14:05:14

But just to say that even if he didnt want marriage and kids it wouldn't make him a commitment phobe. Some people just don't want these things. (He has been in an exclusive relationship with you for a year so...seems committed enough to me).

Though it's important to check you are both on the same page. Early on.

realist252 Fri 03-Jul-20 04:20:33

We had the conversation and he said he sees kids in his future and that family is important to him so I guess that's all I need to hear for now. Thank you for all your replies!

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Fri 03-Jul-20 05:08:45

18 months is heading into make it break territory IMHO if you want marriage and/or kids. I think when your 2 years is up you need him to be clear as to whether he wants those things with you.

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