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If you can't have sex with your OH for medical reasons

(39 Posts)
stirling Tue 30-Jun-20 23:26:29

Then what do you expect of them in terms of loyalty if there is such a concept.

I have an awful condition that makes sex impossible. For anyone in a similar position, what's OK in terms of what your partner does? Where do you draw the line. For example I uncomfortably accept his use of porn but would feel awful if he was sleeping with sex workers. Do I have a right to feel that way or is that just none of my business?

I'm so confused as to the morals of the situation. Compared to other partners I've had, he's quite sexually driven. I've asked him to leave the relationship to be with another woman but he doesn't want to...

Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Vodkacranberryplease Tue 30-Jun-20 23:28:07

Omg that's tough. Is there absolutely no way you can do something about this? Nothing at all?

HH160bpm Tue 30-Jun-20 23:31:17

I’m not sure how you are defining sex. Awful condition that means there are absolutely zero ways that either if you can achieve orgasm?

Thewoodstar Tue 30-Jun-20 23:31:49

Is it just intercourse you can’t do? Could you do other things, or is everything impossible?

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. It’s different for everyone. We all have different boundaries. What has your partner said? What do they want to do. I guess you both need to find a ‘new normal ‘ that you both accept.

The most important thing, if you both want to stay in the relationship, is to keep up the love and affection. Cuddles On the sofa, snuggles in bed etc.

stirling Tue 30-Jun-20 23:33:50

Maybe, eventually, but it'll be a long time before I could.

OP’s posts: |
healththrowawayx Tue 30-Jun-20 23:34:42

Whatever you’re comfortable with. If you can’t have sex, that doesn’t give him a free pass to sleep with other women (sex worker or not)

But equally if the lack of sex is a deal breaker for him, he’s free to leave. Him sleeping with other people if you’re not comfortable with an open relationship isn’t a compromise.

healththrowawayx Tue 30-Jun-20 23:35:29

Sorry, that was badly worded! I need sleep

UsernameNotValid Tue 30-Jun-20 23:37:20

It's completely understandable that you might feel this way but remember, he is choosing to stay with you.

Sex is important but it's not everything, forgive me for being insensitive but is your condition one which might improve and allow you to have sex in future or could you explore other means of satisfaction for both of you if it's just penetration that's the issue for example? If that's what you want too of course!

I'm like you, I don't like porn but understand that it's a "normal" part of our culture now unfortunately and I can't control what DH watches/reads so I just don't discuss it with him or pry. Actually having sex with another person would be a step too far for me, intimacy is our thing not to be shared.

stirling Tue 30-Jun-20 23:37:23

Yes sorry, need to be clearer. Penetrative sex is absolutely a no go. Other stuff could do, and we sometimes just cuddle naked, feels great but he's the first partner I've had who can't orgasm through oral /hand...

Argh. As for me, I feel fit for the bin. Even arousal causes a flare.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 23:40:08

Do I have a right to feel that way?

Yes, you have a right to have what you have mutually agreed about how the relationship is, monogamy etc to be respected.

If you choose to have an open relationship (most people wouldn't, so if you're not happy with that that's absolutely fine) or allow him to see prostitutes then that's your choice.

But if he were to cheat on you without telling you that's not ok. And if he were to unilaterally decide and announce to you that he was going to shag someone else, that wouldn't be very kind. He should consider your feelings.

Most/a lot of people will stop being able to/wanting to shag eventually so it is part of a long term relationship.

Does he pressure you for sex? I had an ex who was far more into sex than me, and I would've been happy for him to get that from someone else as it would've taken the pressure/nagging off me. But everyone's different and every relationship's different.

You sound a bit down (understandably.) Could you speak to your GP about your mood, or go back if you've been already, and tell them how you're feeling? It's not uncommon for a physical health problem to get to someone.

Hugs. flowers flowers xx

Vodkacranberryplease Tue 30-Jun-20 23:41:22

You can't have penetrative vaginal sex currently. But that doesn't mean you can't be sexual with him. You are stretching it to decide that there is to be no sex of any kind with him and if there is any way you can get better it's got to be a high priority.

It's really hard to live with sexual rejection even if there's a valid reason. It's soul destroying and confidence sapping. And it would clearly be awful for you if he were to sleep with sex workers.

So your only option is to do what you can and make as much effort as you can to recover.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 23:43:11

he's the first partner I've had who can't orgasm through oral /hand

@stirling That's really uncommon and unfortunate. sad

stirling Tue 30-Jun-20 23:46:30

I have a string of rubbish conditions: Intersticial cystitis, bacterial cystitis (I've been on over countless antibiotics in the past 20 years.) neurogenic bladder, pelvic organ prolapse to name but a few. Sex is the biggest trigger. Been in a permanent flare since April 2019, that's like having a UTI everyday for a year. Going to the toilet about 7-8 times every night, 30 times a day... Housebound. On long term antibiotics now which breaks my heart as I hate what they're doing to my gut, but they do help. Meanwhile I am too scared to go tampering there again, so is he.

Didn't want to start the sob story about my condition actually, more so the sex worker question, which a few of you have shed light on to. Thank you

OP’s posts: |
SinisterBumFacedCat Tue 30-Jun-20 23:47:05

I’m in the same position and it’s horrible. So depressing. I miss sex, we used to really enjoy it. DH does enjoy oral, manual etc, but anything vaginal and vulva is out of the question. On top of that I am a mystery to modern medicine too! I feel sometimes DH could have a better sex life with almost any other woman in the world.

stirling Tue 30-Jun-20 23:49:12

NoMoreDickheads thank you... No he doesn't ever pressurise me. He's kind about it...

OP’s posts: |
stirling Tue 30-Jun-20 23:50:56

SinisterBumFacedCat so sad you're in the same boat. Yes I miss sex too.

OP’s posts: |
NotAnotherUserNumber Wed 01-Jul-20 00:13:30

It might be relevant to look at what is causing your partner’s problem with ejaculation/ orgasm. One possible cause is chronic cystitis, could you be passing the infection between each other?

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 01-Jul-20 00:30:30

Ok well that makes sense. Thank you for saying. I used to get the rounds of these too and a really good probiotic broke the cycle, along with a drug I got from Australia online otc

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 01-Jul-20 00:32:35

Which I'm trying to find and can't. Because it's been so long since I've needed it. Not d-mannose though I've used that too.

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 01-Jul-20 00:41:28

Good old google. Hiprex. For some absolutely bizarre reason it's unknown here but it works. Very well. I went to doctor after doctor and got nowhere (antibiotics that stopped working) and this combined with biocare acidophilus and d-mannose (a bit patchy about taking that one) did the trick. Also HRT. You could take them as an adjunct and see if anything improves.

As for the sex worker.. I think the only way would be don't ask don't tell and for it to be bare minimum. There must be support groups for you too. I think that would help.

snottery Wed 01-Jul-20 00:48:05

I was going to ask if it was IC. The worst condition in the world IMO. Not doing badly at the moment and for a while now, but that pain, and the fear of that pain, will never ever leave me. Needs so so much more research. The pain and suffering is like nothing else. And people suggest cranberry juice and you feel like stabbing them in the bladder after days without sleep and seeing how they fare.

I completely understand how you feel re your relationship OP. Sadly I don't have much advice or answers. Would normally have suggested intimacy and oral/hand. You shouldn't have to put up with anything you are uncomfortable with, fidelity wise. If the lines of communication are open this is good. If you try to put up with stuff you ultimately cannot, it will eat away at you and will be no better than leaving imo. Just keep communicating if you can.

I'm so sorry and I hope treatments work for you xx

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 01-Jul-20 00:55:53

Cranberry juice. Great in vodka does fuck all otherwise.

These really did work when nothing else would. I got them online (eBay I think) they were not expensive and arrived relatively quickly from Australia. Of all the things that could be worth a shot this is my top one by a long way.

And biocare acidophilus. That one is excellent.

NotanotherboxofFrogs Wed 01-Jul-20 01:25:23

Im in the same position with no sex.

physically it causes me a lot of pain (combo of IC, endometriosis and vaginismus) and from his side with cataplexy so he loses complete muscle control triggered by strong emotions so he can see and hear but can't move at all) with proctalgia fugax which causes intense pain, both of us have IBS, neurogenic bladder and chronic pelvic pain syndrome.

We get around it by lots of cuddling, tantric, massage, taking all pressure off - telling ourselves that nothing is going to happen usually ends up with lot's of cuddles, toys and to be honest the last time we had actual intercourse was over 7+ years ago. We are both SA survivors.

But it is what it is, neither of us gets anything out of hurting the other when we try and it's not an essential part of our lives together.

A few friends at different times have advised us to "get a room" and we joke about that we will shag each other senseless, we are the only ones who know the real truth apart from this post now and our GP who understands and has suggested various things.

Tapio Wed 01-Jul-20 01:54:30

Sorry OP that’s crap sad

Porn would be totally fine for me, maybe try watching it together? Sorry for my crude description but if he can get himself off surely your hand could do the same? Maybe it’s a psychological thing for him. Sex workers, no way. You’ve given him an out, it sounds like he loves you and is respectful, he hasn’t taken it so just accept he loves you as you are, there isn’t much else you can do about it.

I really can empathise, I find sex varies from mildly painful to incredibly painful, but to be honest I grit my teeth and pretend it doesn’t hurt because I feel so guilty I can’t provide that closeness. It’s hard

DBML Wed 01-Jul-20 02:10:17


Has he explicitly asked about visiting sex workers? Or are you worrying about something you don’t have to? Or are you considering it as an option?

How do YOU feel about the idea of him visiting sex workers?

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