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How would you respond to this one?

(61 Posts)
NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 23:22:35

So this is something my ex-dickhead said and I know we've established he's a twat etc.

But I'm in a phase of evaluating how I'm going to respond in future to times when I'm not happy with something someone says/does, when they cross a boundary or fall into deal breaker territory as a lover or friend etc.
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This is one situation- I must've been feeling a bit down/anxious about something and so I messaged around some of my facebook friends saying I wasn't feeling 100% or something and would like some support (I would've put it better than that though, and I must've been not my best as I really would hardly ever do that.)

I'd had 'Bob' as a FB friend for about 9 months or something, and met him through a group we'd both attended weekly for years.
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He replied:-

It is refreshing that you ask for your emotional needs to be met so directly, but do not be upset if some people do not respond.

shock grin
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I was pretty surprised at that as I thought it was rather cheeky. Don't get me wrong I don't demand anyone respond. But responding implying he wasn't going to respond and was implicitly making a point of his decision not to is rather ...'Bob' of him.

So, I've been thinking about how I would handle it if someone did something similar nowadays (hopefully will never happen as his character is quite rare, I've never met such a twat or whatever the narc is.)

How do you think you would respond?

I was thinking about 'I don't have friends that don't support me' but maybe that's not quite right? And then block as it's not a good sign.

I mean, I don't expect anyone to be my therapist or anything, but maybe an 'aww, sorry to hear that' if you say you're out of sorts is reasonable to ask of a friend or whatever?
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Not to mention that the lack of support is one issue, the rubbing it in is another one.
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Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people being able to choose what they do, but likewise I can choose not to accept some behaviours and tell them so or unfriend.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 23:23:58

This was before we were shagging or anything.

OP’s posts: |
Dollyrocket Tue 30-Jun-20 23:30:48

Sorry OP I can’t quite figure out the question here. Also are you saying you asked ‘Bob’ for emotional support directly but he knew you’d asked other people too? confused

Limpid Tue 30-Jun-20 23:36:56

Honestly, I see his point, if he’s a recent FB friend and you are only acquaintances because of a shared weekly activity, he barely knows you, and you were asking him for some unspecified ‘support’ on social media? I mean, he’s not to know that you only wanted a completely pointless platitude in response.

Limpid Tue 30-Jun-20 23:37:56

Oh, did I get confused — you’re talking about an ex at the start, not Bob, a acquaintance?

Limpid Tue 30-Jun-20 23:38:08

AN

pog100 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:52:37

I’m confused too but if this is how to respond to a FB comment like this, the obvious answer is just ignore, any response at all is just pointless.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 23:56:10

I get it was a bit weird (he had already propositioned me at that time however pretty much, so was happy to do that! He added me deliberately to do so. Maybe he was miffed that I hadn't taken him up on it lol.) I must not have been 100%.

But I still found his response unusual and somewhat cheeky. I think if someone did something like that again (not that I'm likely to ask people again particularly) I would take it as a red flag based solely on how he turned out to be.

Even if you don't know someone that well they don't have to make a point of saying that they can't be arsed (which was effectively what he was saying in a roundabout way.) The most someone might say is 'sorry to hear that. I'm really busy right now but wishing you all the best' or something, IDK. confused

It's still nice to hear expressions of 'hugs xxx' or whatever even if they are basic IMHO. I felt supported by anyone else I reached out to.

OP’s posts: |
FlashesOfRage Tue 30-Jun-20 23:59:08

If I’m reading right then;

Bob is your ex and this is an interaction you both had before you were together when you’d known him for 9 months.

You’re now wondering what all of it meant?

Firstly your random messaging of friends accidentally alerted him to the fact you were emotionally fragile and secondly his response was to “neg” you.
His response is basically subtly taking the piss of the fact you even asked x

FlashesOfRage Wed 01-Jul-20 00:01:01

His response was a test to see if you’d think “cheeky dickhead! Fancy making me feel worse!!” or to take the bait and try harder to engage with him

BramberryCustard538 Wed 01-Jul-20 00:11:02

Right so you have asked for help and support from friends and Bob replies with

It is refreshing to ask that your emotional needs to be met so directly, but do not be upset if some people do not respond

How about ....

Oh, don't worry about that. It's a call out to my friends who care and have empathy. I'm not looking for any old response from any old person.

Something like that anyway?

pooopypants Wed 01-Jul-20 00:12:58

"I must've not been at my best as I would hardly ever do that"

Were you drunk at the time? And no, I'm not being sarcastic

I'm confused

Do you have someone IRL you can ask for support? Asking for support on FB seems odd to me but maybe that's just me. Why ask Bob, if you've only been acquaintances for 9 months?

NoMoreDickheads Wed 01-Jul-20 00:16:36

You’re now wondering what all of it meant?

That and also I'm wondering in general about how I will respond in future to people. I wasn't very assertive with him and haven't been with a lot of men or people, so I'm asking questions of myself like 'what is ok?' 'What are my dealbreakers?'/what should a basic dealbreaker be? 'What are the basics I should 'expect' in a lover or friend?' Etc.

'How would I respond to X, Y, Z situation of people being a bit cheeky or downright nasty or whatever?'

His response is basically subtly taking the piss of the fact you even asked

@FlashesofRage That's a really good way of putting it. I'm glad you can see what I mean. How do you think I should've responded? I think I said nothing about how I felt about what he said. I like to think that nowadays I would say something.

I think you're right that it even goes beyond 'I don't have friends who don't support me' although I think I should have certain standards of friends, even acquaintances.

It's like 'I don't have friends that take the piss out of me nastily.' grin But that could be a bit strong for someone I had to see (albeit mostly across the room) every week?

How would you respond if someone talks to you 'arsily' or whatever it is? Or a friend/acquaintance that is completely unsupportive?

OP’s posts: |
MiddleClassProblem Wed 01-Jul-20 00:21:40

Sorry was this an fb status or in messenger or wall posts on individual walls?

NoMoreDickheads Wed 01-Jul-20 00:23:37

@BramberryCustard538 That's quite good, thanks. smile @pooopypants I don't know many people IRL maybe and I was off colour at the time or I wouldn'tve asked. I went through a couple of years which were a bit shit and embarrassing. grin That is what mental health is like. I have bipolar and stuff. All I can do is try my best, and forgive myself if I don't act perfectly or whatever.

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NoMoreDickheads Wed 01-Jul-20 00:25:19

@MiddleClassProblem Messaged a few people.

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Burpalot Wed 01-Jul-20 00:29:11

'how would you respond to this one?' I wouldn't, but nor would I do what you did. I would have messaged close friends directly, and not on Facebook. Strange

AllTheFours44 Wed 01-Jul-20 00:31:11

Did you post this before? It’s giving me serious deja vu

MiddleClassProblem Wed 01-Jul-20 00:32:02

Well, I think you know that you and Bob weren’t really that close. I think unless you had had some deep chats before he’s an odd person to DM. Like others have said, I would just ignore it.

BramberryCustard538 Wed 01-Jul-20 00:32:42

Burpalot

'how would you respond to this one?' I wouldn't, but nor would I do what you did. I would have messaged close friends directly, and not on Facebook. Strange

Yeah , but you managed to respond to the OP even though you had nothing to contribute. Strange

FlashesOfRage Wed 01-Jul-20 00:35:09

I think to be honest he’s just a bad person and if you engaged with him at all he was always going to be able to manipulate you easily (especially as you were unguarded and let him know you were vulnerable).

I suppose I would say that in future if someone seems to speak to you mockingly or make you feel worse when you are sad then you should avoid giving them any further access to your thoughts.
His attitude was odd but it seems likely to me (as a victim of psychological/emotional abuse) that rather than you thinking “what a loser, I’ll keep away from him” you may instead have ended up seeking his approval or engaging with him to try and get him to give you what you needed anyway.

You have to remember that abusers have a nose for vulnerable people, they can sniff you out in a crowd and test your boundaries before you ever suspect at all x

NoMoreDickheads Wed 01-Jul-20 00:43:40

@Burpalot Well then you are blessed, not everyone is in your circumstances.

@AllTheFours44 Nope, not posted this before. I have posted a few of his bizarre utterances though, mostly about feminism/Mumsnet.

@MiddleClassProblem I did just kind of ignore it but nowadays I think I would've said something, as, as @FlaresofRage said, it was kind of having a go at someone clearly not at their best.

I think I would've at least registered to myself that this is not only someone who doesn't give a shit, they are quite happy to tell you that they don't give a shit, regardless of how that might feel to you. Which is how he kind of went on to be- cruel, sadistic, enjoying messing with and using people.

@BramberryCustard538 Should I have blocked at that point or what? What do you think? I wouldn't want to let something like that pass now. But maybe I've swung to the other end of the pendulum now in terms of not putting up with stuff. grin

OP’s posts: |
Burpalot Wed 01-Jul-20 00:48:51

@bramberrycustard538 I answered op's question! Succinctly.

NoMoreDickheads Wed 01-Jul-20 12:45:22

I didn't write this for criticism of something I did when I wasn't well. And yes I did write to people individually, via messenger. I maybe said in the message that I had asked a few people, which I probably shouldn't have done. But that's by the by.

What I was asking is how I should've responded to his kind of having a go at me (which, as a PP said, was what he was actually doing.) He didn't mean it as just a statement, he was having a dig at how I'd messaged and saying that he personally couldn't be arsed. Everyone else did respond actually, in a friendly way.

So what I was asking is how people would respond to his comment. One I've thought of is 'I don't have friends who aren't friendly' (not quite sure how to phrase that one) or 'I don't have friends who kick someone while they're down' and then block.

Both of these don't feel quite right and IDK. I wouldn't want to come across as stroppy/whiny but I think nowadays I would want to somehow say to the person that it's not ok to talk to me like that, or take it as a sign not to bother with that person much. Just unfriending maybe would've been enough, as after all he was showing he wasn't an actual friend (supportive even in a small way- I think that's my definition of a friend, anyway) and had no intention of being one.

Maybe I just could've not bothered messaging with him about anything again, and eventually unfriended.

Again, I'm not asking for people to have a go at me. I'm asking for suggestions as to how you would respond to a 'friend' who said this. He had tried to persuade me to come over and play at his table at the gaming, so he had been 'friendly' in the past, I wasn't messaging a complete random.

OP’s posts: |
FizzyGreenWater Wed 01-Jul-20 12:59:13

It was individually, through messenger? I think I would have just been super passive-aggressive back, what a twat grin

It is refreshing that you ask for your emotional needs to be met so directly, but do not be upset if some people do not respond.

That's ok Bob, you don't need to worry, I messaged quite a few people and they've all responded positively - strong friendships are the best smile Sorry you didn't feel that you could do the same but I completely understand, we all have so much going on in our lives. Hope you feel lots better soon. All the best

He would have exploded at that but would have been really quite hard pushed to be able to find a way of saying 'No I'm completely ok, I was just replying in an arsey way because I wanted to' grin

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