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Do I have the record for sexless relationships!

(26 Posts)
Lucky0707 Tue 30-Jun-20 19:43:29

Seems a common topic. I have had a relationship that became technically sexless in 2009 with lights out sex happening maybe 5 times a year at most, maybe I'm boring in bed but lights out "come on then" doesn't inspire.
All started out good for few years, a feast that became a famine. Started with things like "don't bother washing it tonight" moving onto feigned headaches, letting the kid come in the bedroom loads etc. The illnesses especially when her daughter got older and went out.
Excuses about getting older or how she looked which tbh had not really changed and although being a lady who shops at simply be might not suit all men personally looks wise never a days gone by where I didn't find her sexy.
Valentine's was sexless despite meals and shows etc. Was down to a pattern of birthday, Christmas and shortly before her daughter's birthday, A cynic would say the last two were as I was asked to pack out a card for her daughter.
Apparently I am great company and funny but I guess I never floated the boat physically after the gloss wore off.
I felt worthless except my wages depressed that the woman I loved spurred my physical advances.
I started working late to keep myself busy and to avoid embarrassing myself by cuddling her of an evening and being rejected. This resulted in her accusing me of seeing hookers which hurt even more as it felt like being told that's the only way I could get someone to have sex with me.
I started to think about her exes I knew of and the father of her daughter all of these men are as different to my pasty BBC 4 watching self in appearance as they could be.
Noticed she'd looked at pornhub on the computer and some was normal enough but a few featured men more like her ex and they were vocal about their appearance. The titles were enough to make my heart sink.
Now I know you should not dwell on exes or pry on browsing history but after 10 years without sex you start to lose your mind and go to some dark places as to why it might be happening. Also I remember her instigating sex earlier in the relationship after certain films had been on.
Eventually I just gave up any hugging or kissing I just couldn't handle the whole "I love you but my pyjamas will not be budging an inch"
Anyway after a blazing row instigated by her now 20s daughter pestering me to do some DIY after a really bad day. Having stuff thrown at me by the daughter and no support from her except I should leave which was a common threat as she owned the house. A few days later I just walked out.
Been alone all lockdown. Can't be bothered to go back for anything or chat to her. I do miss her. The looks and we had chats/discussions and laughs just no sex. Dunno if I am more at fault or her. But a long period without sex has left me feeling utterly worthless and inadequate.

OP’s posts: |
Crystalspider Tue 30-Jun-20 19:55:50

You 100% did the right thing

RedDiamond Tue 30-Jun-20 19:59:50

Oh blimey! You have most certainly done the right thing. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship where there is no affection, it wears you down.

I hope you find a lovely partner in the near future.

needhandhold Tue 30-Jun-20 20:46:44

You did the right thing. Get yourself on dating sites and find yourself some affection

LST Tue 30-Jun-20 20:49:55

Sounds like you did the right thing. You were just existing. And it sounds like you tried. Get yourself out there!

Immigrantsong Tue 30-Jun-20 20:50:37

OP I felt the pain behind your words.

I am still stuck on the sexless marriage and see no end to this.

BooFuckingHoo2 Tue 30-Jun-20 20:56:43

although being a lady who shops at simply be might not suit all men what the actual fuck is that supposed to mean?

BooFuckingHoo2 Tue 30-Jun-20 20:58:54

You’re basically saying she should be lucky because her being above a size ten doesn’t put you off? Yeah fuck that, I wouldn’t want to shag someone with that attitude!

userxx Tue 30-Jun-20 21:03:10

@BooFuckingHoo2 Chill out.

HyacynthBucket Tue 30-Jun-20 21:32:06

Could it be that she gets the message from you that it is just about sex if you show any affection? She might be craving actual closeness and love from you. The usual advice now is to make time to just be together, and make her feel special and that you want to spend time with her. Build intimacy without any expections of sex. Then one day it will just fall into place naturally when you feel closer and she feels loved and appreciated and wanted, but not just for sex. Hope it works for you both.

Dashel Tue 30-Jun-20 21:47:43

Don’t look back! The relationship sounds dull and lifeless and you need to get yourself back to yourself. I found that there was nothing worse than being lonely when you aren’t alone.

Get exercising and socialising (as much as you can at the moment) go volunteering or join a walking group or start a hobby, join a community online or develop some new hobbies or skills, just give yourself lots to focus on and I’m sure you will have lots of love and fun to look forward to

Greggers2017 Tue 30-Jun-20 21:54:29

@BooFuckingHoo2 he even says he finds her sexy. Out for an argument 🙄

Wherearemymarbles Tue 30-Jun-20 21:57:30

10 years in a sexless marriage.... You have done the right thing and not wanting to sound harsh its quite possible she settled and has never really fancied you. It’s probably the root cause of a lot separations and sexless relationships but is never spoken about.

Get yourself on a dating sight and don't look back. Its doesn't sound as if she is begging.

namechanged984630 Tue 30-Jun-20 22:07:00

Replace the word excuses with reasons OP

Lucky0707 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:16:12

Some seem to think I'm saying something about bigger women. Could not be further from the truth. She had issues with being larger or used it as an excuse who knows. I always made it clear I found her attractive the day I met her and never expected her to change for anyone but herself. I heard enough stories from her about men who said "you'd be lovely if you were slim" or other such moronic gems. If my words are awkward and you've got the wrong end of the stick I'm sorry, but I am no way one of those sort of men. It wasn't me in a relationship with someone who didn't float my boat. I was very happy with how she looked and friends said I'd met someone who was a good match or my type whatever you want to call it both looks and personality.
Also I don't expect sex as a result of all affection. A cuddle is lovely in it's own right and I'm not into pestering, it was made clear to me she didn't want sex.
I've been contacted by her several times since attempting to drum up a conversation but I really don't feel like talking. I tried to explain how I felt for years and carried on as normal for nearly 10 years before I gave up and that wasn't malevolent. I just couldn't handle the hurt any more from the hot and cold of the relationship. Imagine doing all the couple stuff and chatting for hours day in day out but the moment you go to bed it's "no go over your side I'm hot" or "I'm playing candy crush" everyone is entitled to space but 6 months in a row nearly every 1 of 10 years. Coincidentally the 6 months are from Christmas to my birthday. Believe me it hurts.

OP’s posts: |
livefornaps Tue 30-Jun-20 23:22:00

Forget candycrush lame excuses, OP, thankfully those days are long gone. Go out and shag yourself silly and leave her to pornhub

Ohnoducks Wed 01-Jul-20 13:27:29

Started with things like "don't bother washing it tonight" - please someone fill me in on what is being washed in preparation that wouldn't normally be washed?!

Lucky0707 Sat 04-Jul-20 02:10:58

Haha well even if you've showered earlier nothing wrong with a spruce up! Anyway I was actually brushing my teeth first time it was said and it was just a means to say no dice.

OP’s posts: |
IdblowJonSnow Sat 04-Jul-20 02:17:13

Oh OP, sounded miserable. Glad you've left.
Don't go back despite missing you. Hope you meet someone else nice. No rush though, get back on an even keel first.

LostGirl7 Sat 04-Jul-20 17:36:40

hmm

AnotherLanguage Sat 04-Jul-20 17:45:33

The abusive daughter was enough for you to leave. I would have hoped for some support from your partner but it seems what what you said that this was missing as well.

No sex and she is looking at porn.

You are better off out of it and hopefully you will never feel the need to go back

BloomingGoodTea Sat 04-Jul-20 18:20:05

I’m in a 10 year without sex marriage too but it was me who stopped it. To be blunt...we are sexually incompatible (and he’s 10 years older). I simply do see him that way.
I’m leaving very soon!

Btw, there is nothing wrong with my sex drive.

You did the right thing leaving!

Vik81 Sat 04-Jul-20 18:28:05

Physical intimacy is such an important part of a relationship, without it you lose more than physical touch, mental health, closeness, care so you did the right thing! Find someone who wants a whole relationship with you. Wish you the best.

Plumplumbadum Sat 04-Jul-20 18:39:55

BloomingGoodTea

I’m in a 10 year without sex marriage too but it was me who stopped it. To be blunt...we are sexually incompatible (and he’s 10 years older). I simply do see him that way.
I’m leaving very soon!

Btw, there is nothing wrong with my sex drive.

You did the right thing leaving!

Well, that's great for you isn't it. But a quite unkind for your partner. Ten years is a long time to stay in a relationship when you have no intention of sleeping with him. If you didn't see him in that way you should have left him, so he could find someone who actually did desire and want him. hmm

MaeDanvers Sat 04-Jul-20 20:44:41

I think you should take some time to grieve this relationship and then when you’re ready start looking to meet someone you will be compatible with sexually as well as in other ways.

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