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Dh is racist and sexist - would you leave over this?

(66 Posts)
Cornflowerblue88 Tue 30-Jun-20 18:16:41

Dh has for a number of years made racist and sexist comments and I’m sick of it.
He comments on female presenters on television, particularly on sports. He refers to gay women as ‘dykes.’ He spends hours moaning about the fact that his work is trying to recruit women and people from minority groups into higher positions. At the moment only 1% of those in the highest earning positions in the company where he works are women and they are aiming for a heady 4%. Dh goes on a lot about how white straight men are now the most disadvantaged. Sometimes he will pause the tv and say - I wonder why she got that job, woman, tick, Black, tick, dyke, tick, just needs half a leg or something and full house.

I am so sick of it. His thinking is so far away from mine, it’s like different worlds. I feel like I’m done but we have two children.

OP’s posts: |
isabellerossignol Tue 30-Jun-20 18:18:17

He sounds unbearable.

Have you ever asked him why he married you since he hates women so much? Would be interested to hear his thoughts on that...

Judashascomeintosomemoney Tue 30-Jun-20 18:18:21

Leave? I’d have not got with him in the first place.

rvby Tue 30-Jun-20 18:18:34

Yes i would leave over that.

Staying means that your kids are learning that you're ok with the things their dad says. Nothing is worth that.

Cornflowerblue88 Tue 30-Jun-20 18:20:44

But if he has them on his own I’m not there to temper it at all.
Whereas at the moment I temper it.

He has got worse. He wasn’t like this when we met - well he probably was but he didn’t reveal it.

OP’s posts: |
Bubbletrouble43 Tue 30-Jun-20 18:23:09

No. If you leave him when they ask why you aren't with him you state you couldn't accept his bigotry, thus setting a good example of what is and isn't acceptable.

Bubbletrouble43 Tue 30-Jun-20 18:23:34

Oh and yes, I WOULD leave.

Cornflowerblue88 Tue 30-Jun-20 18:23:57

But when he has access to them - and I’m not there - he will say what he likes?

OP’s posts: |
12345ct Tue 30-Jun-20 18:23:57

Dh has for a number of years made racist and sexist comments.

Has it only started bothering you now or have you only just noticed?

Cornflowerblue88 Tue 30-Jun-20 18:24:45

It’s got worse.
I’m not sure why. It’s more frequent and overt.

OP’s posts: |
Hushabyelullabye Tue 30-Jun-20 18:24:56

I’d absolutely leave, that kind of attitude would sour any feeling I initially had for him when he was hiding his real thoughts.

HollowTalk Tue 30-Jun-20 18:25:05

So if 99% of the top earners are male and he thinks white men are discriminated against, what proportion of that 99% are black?

rvby Tue 30-Jun-20 18:25:14

I get what you are saying op. But can you see that by sticking around to "temper" it, you're also teaching your kids that racist and sexist people should be coddled and assisted, rather than actually suffer consequences?

Your kids need to see their mum using her talents and energy to contribute positively to the world. Not throwing her one precious life down the toilet to make up for a man's bigotry.

CodenameVillanelle Tue 30-Jun-20 18:25:54

If you stay with him you teach your children that his views are ok and normal. If you leave you teach them that they are unacceptable.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 30-Jun-20 18:26:16

You are still not able to protect them from his vile comments even when you are there or otherwise present, You really do not temper it when you are there, you’re showing your children that this from him is still acceptable to you on some level. And nothing is worth that.

Do you think that such a man too would be all that bothered about his children post separation?. He’d probably also dump them on his mother. Such entitled men care only for and about their own selves.

1235kbm Tue 30-Jun-20 18:26:22

How did you meet his Gammon OP? Was it at a Britain First rally?

lazylinguist Tue 30-Jun-20 18:26:59

You will be tempering it, by the example you set when they're with you. And by putting them right if they ever start showing racist or sexist views. And you'll be teaching them not to stay in a relationship with a person who has abhorrent views.

chancechancechance Tue 30-Jun-20 18:27:56

I think I probably would leave, because I couldn't not argue, so it would be constant arguments!

What do you say now when he says that in front of the children?

Happynow001 Tue 30-Jun-20 18:31:46

So he hates all women? You? His mother and other female members of his family? Are either of your children female?

I hope you manage to get away from him OP. At least look at your options (legal, financial) as he's more likely to get nastier as he gets older.

gamerchick Tue 30-Jun-20 18:34:08

Have you asked him why he's with you if he hates woman so much?

You would probably do a better just b of sorting your kids attitudes out if you're not with him. At the minute it's diluted. But a strong view about what's acceptable in your care will make him look like a twat as they grow up.

BlueSuedeStiletto Tue 30-Jun-20 18:35:13

Didn’t even read the post. Title alone: YES.

You deserve better

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 30-Jun-20 18:35:49

He says what he likes now OP and it will be easier to discuss with the children if he isnt around to turn it into an argument.

BinkyBoinky Tue 30-Jun-20 18:36:00

But when he has access to them - and I’m not there - he will say what he likes?

Sounds like he's already doing it.

fallfallfall Tue 30-Jun-20 18:39:06

i'd explore why he feels that way? has he not had the promotions or recognition he feels he deserves?

Idontlikewednesdays Tue 30-Jun-20 18:39:41

Your children will be subliminally learning these attitudes. You and your children deserve better.

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