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Does he want to get married?

(38 Posts)
Giningit Tue 30-Jun-20 16:27:24

I’ve been with my partner for a couple of years and have a good relationship in so many ways. We share the same sense of humour, love each other, rarely argue, good sex life, he’s great with both mine and his kids, does odd jobs around the house and is generous with his money. We don’t live together but see each other very often. He’s also divorced and both of us have kids from previous relationships.
The problem is that he brought up the subject of marriage a few months into the relationship and said he would want to get married again. There have been opportunities to propose but nothing happened. To be honest, I wasn’t too bothered because it may have been too soon.
Since then it has started to feel like he’s backtracking a bit. He was financially stung by his ex-wife and has brought that up before, on the other hand he says he’s worried because I’m so financially independent(you don’t need anyone).!!
He does earn more than double what I earn so this isn’t a case of the fragile male ego. I’m a bit confused and upset about the whole situation. He knows that I would love to get married to him, so don’t get what’s stopping him proposing. Yes I could propose but I want him to do it so that I know that he actually wants to get married.

Does it sound like he wants to get married?

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Tue 30-Jun-20 16:29:46

If he wanted to marry you he would ask you. It really is that simple.

If I were him I would not want to get married either. You don't even live together and your current set up sounds absolutely perfect. Why change it?

HotMessTryNotToStress Tue 30-Jun-20 16:30:03

I think it’s still early days, why rush into marriage unless you are both ready? Wouldn’t it be better to live together for a while first seeing as you both have children too and just see how it all pans out?

Somethingkindaoooo Tue 30-Jun-20 16:32:31

Have an honest conversation about where he sees the relationship going...

Giningit Tue 30-Jun-20 16:32:40

That’s what I’m worried about confused. It’s just that he wanted to get married in the first place and now doesn’t seem bothered.

OP’s posts: |
Choice4567 Tue 30-Jun-20 16:36:34

@TorkTorkBam agree. OP if he wants to get married, he’ll ask you to marry him.

You could have a frank convo with him and let him know that it’s important to you

Crystalspider Tue 30-Jun-20 16:40:03

I think the next step would be to live together, maybe he would only ask you once he's knows this could be successful? Has he mentioned living together?

Giningit Tue 30-Jun-20 16:40:27

Pre-Covid we were looking at houses, just online browsing. We both need to renovate both our houses for sale and are in the process of doing that now. So he is thinking of our future together but for some reason marriage seems to be on the back burner now.

OP’s posts: |
Giningit Tue 30-Jun-20 16:43:23

We have, a couple of times and I don’t want to have the conversation again because it seems like I’m nagging him to get married. Any proposal after that feels forced. I love him but this is doing my head in.

OP’s posts: |
TheWolfWoman Tue 30-Jun-20 16:52:36

I think 2 years is still quite early if you both have kids and don't live together.

I think moving in together for a couple years first would be wise. Dynamics can hugely change when you live together.

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 30-Jun-20 18:39:34

Unless it suits you to carry on like this indefinitely I'd think twice before buying a home together - at least without having a careful conversation first - and perhaps move him in with you instead to see how things go

As PPs have said, a man who wants to get married will generally say so, and that way you'd save hassle and still have your own home if you split

Giningit Tue 30-Jun-20 19:35:29

Thanks everyone for your responses. The feminist in me is thinking that I shouldn’t worry about it but it’s still upsetting me. I don’t just want to get married for the sake of it. I want to get married to him 😟. Think I’ll have a chat with him this weekend.

OP’s posts: |
LemonTT Tue 30-Jun-20 19:47:08

I wouldn’t want to get married to someone that I hadn’t lived with yet. When you have been around the block you know that love cannot conquer all.

Added to which you both have children. Living together won’t be just about how you both get on but also about whether the family can blend. If it doesn’t then marriage is a serious thing to unpick.

Finally you both have assets and you both have children. Most people in that situation will be cautious about the Legal implications of Marriage and the fact it’s not just a piece of paper.

Photosofyou Tue 30-Jun-20 20:26:59

I don't understand what this has to do with being a feminist?

You don't know where you stand with your partner and that is not conducive to a healthy, happy relationship. You need to have a conversation with him. If you don't feel comfortable doing this well you have your answer.

pigeon999 Tue 30-Jun-20 20:38:05

The fact you are not just talking to him about this, and fearing he will see you as 'a nag' is very telling. Why would he ever think that for just chatting about marriage and commitment? Do you sense he is not into it and will close down the conversation? Because if that is the case, then you have your answer, and you will have to decide whether to waste any more time with him.

All couples talk about this kind of thing, what else are you not communicating about? The future of your relationship is pretty fundamental.

Fishfingersandwichplease Tue 30-Jun-20 20:45:43

Reverse psychology- tell him you are not bothered about getting married, bet he puts a ring on it in no time😂

LonginesPrime Tue 30-Jun-20 22:10:44

on the other hand he says he’s worried because I’m so financially independent(you don’t need anyone)

Erm, why would you want to marry someone who thinks like this?

If the feminist in you is thinking anything, OP, it should be thinking "well, that was a close one - at least I saw that huge red flag before we moved in together".

chipsandpeas Tue 30-Jun-20 22:14:44

you really do need to live together preferrable not in a joint owned house, then if it doesnt work out you can walk away
it would be madness to jump straight into a house owned together and it doesnt jell together

Tinyhumansurvivalist Tue 30-Jun-20 22:20:23

I'm in a similar position OP. Dp and I have been together for 18 months, at beginning he wanted marriage etc, he wanted us to live together almost straight away. I have a dd so I asked him to slow down as it was all too soon. Since then he has backed right off.

Like yours, my dp is weird about me being financially independent, not needing him... I keep trying to explain that not needing anyone isn't a bad thing. And he should want someone who wants to be with him for him not because they need his money etc.

He's adamant he wants marriage but no proposal has appeared. I'm at a complete loss. He says one thing but his actions say the polar opposite.

I adore him so for now I am letting things happen in their own time... However as I am 40 already and he is in his 50's I don't want to wait forever. I spent 7 years with my ex under the promise we would get married for the sake of dd, finances etc and at the point I had saved the cash and said come on then let's do it he ran so fast in the opposite direction it destroyed our relationship. There is a part of me that worries that this will end the same way...

Sorry I don't have answers, but I do understand you Feeling!

Giningit Tue 30-Jun-20 23:05:56

Tinyhumansurvivalist

I'm in a similar position OP. Dp and I have been together for 18 months, at beginning he wanted marriage etc, he wanted us to live together almost straight away. I have a dd so I asked him to slow down as it was all too soon. Since then he has backed right off.

Like yours, my dp is weird about me being financially independent, not needing him... I keep trying to explain that not needing anyone isn't a bad thing. And he should want someone who wants to be with him for him not because they need his money etc.

He's adamant he wants marriage but no proposal has appeared. I'm at a complete loss. He says one thing but his actions say the polar opposite.

I adore him so for now I am letting things happen in their own time... However as I am 40 already and he is in his 50's I don't want to wait forever. I spent 7 years with my ex under the promise we would get married for the sake of dd, finances etc and at the point I had saved the cash and said come on then let's do it he ran so fast in the opposite direction it destroyed our relationship. There is a part of me that worries that this will end the same way...

Sorry I don't have answers, but I do understand you Feeling!

That sounds exactly like the situation I’m in. It’s so frustrating isn’t it. We’re both in our 40’s as well. Just wish these men would stop dithering and get down on one knee grin

OP’s posts: |
DarklyDreamingDexter Wed 01-Jul-20 10:00:50

I don’t think 2 years is long at all if you don’t live together, especially if you have children to consider. Get a place together, see how you all get on and if it goes well after a minimum of six months to a year, then revisit the idea and have a discussion. I wouldn’t even consider marrying someone I hadn’t lived with and maybe he’s the same.

We see threads on here all the time where couples have been together for many years, have a house and children together but the guy still won’t commit and it’s crystal clear he has no intention of proposing. That’s not the case here, so I think you’re worrying prematurely.

Giningit Wed 01-Jul-20 13:55:41

He stays over a lot mainly during the week, so the kids are used to him as am I. On the weekends either we are at his with his kids or vice versa, we all go on holiday together, we visit each other’s families, friends neighbours etc. Basically we are in each other’s pockets and so far so good.

OP’s posts: |
yellowsunset Wed 01-Jul-20 14:00:39

I wouldn't propose to someone I don't even live with after just 2 years. Especially with kids involved.

Dozer Wed 01-Jul-20 14:03:36

Sounds like he doesn’t want to have to share his financial assets should you break up in the future. Understandable: he’s financially better off that you; odds of avoiding breakup aren’t great for 2nd marriages/‘blended families’.

Wouldn’t buy property with him without first fully considering your and your DCs’ interests/wishes. If marriage is essential for you, for example, don’t buy property together if he’s not offering that.

What do you mean “ financially stung by his ex-wife”?
Often a big red flag when men claim this. If they had DC, she took time out of work or went PT, doing more parenting/domestics, he worked FT and is a high earner, she would have received what they agreed or a court decided was a reasonable share of their assets.

Techway Wed 01-Jul-20 14:11:47

He was financially stung by his ex-wife and has brought that up before

Can't understand this view, either he agreed to a fair settlement or a court decided on a fair settlement, which is usually 50:50 and adequate support for the children. There is hardly ever an occasion where only one party is stung..you get married, you join finances and it is split in the event of divorce. Both parties end up poorer, not just the man.

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