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I want to run away(3 Posts)
I'm really struggling to know what to do with my life and my future. I've been trying to write this post for about two weeks now.
I work for my DH, who owns his own business, and I hate it. I struggle to actually do the job, I hate being self employed, I can barely cope with the stress and pressure. I'm desperately lonely, as I spend 98% of my time at work alone in the office. DH is a workaholic, it's not unusual for him to be out at work 70 hours per week, over at least 6 days a week. I have one friend who I don't see often, I see my Mum once a week and my sister every month or two.
At the end of 2019 up until lockdown it was particularly bad, to the point where it made me ill, I had a constant pain in my chest and stomach, intrusive thoughts and awful nightmares. I finally went to see my GP and got given some anti anxiety/depression medication, which I started taking about a week before the official lockdown and have been on since.
Our business slowed down drastically during the lockdown, DH was still working full time but a much more sensible 40 hours per week and I was doing about 10 a week from home.
Coronavirus aside, I don't want this to sound insensitive, but I was so happy. Probably the happiest I've ever been in recent memory. DH and my relationship has never been better, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was enjoying things in my life again - cooking, baking, crafting, taking care of the house, gardening. Video chatted with my mum and sister every day. No nightmares, and no chest pain or stomach knots.
Things have been getting back to normal for us now over the past three weeks at work, and I'm back in the office, and I can feel the stress coming back in. I just slob in front of the TV or my phone any spare moment now instead of doing anything I found fun and the house is messier. I had a nightmare again last night.
I've told DH I don't want to get back to how I was and he agrees but offers no solution and I find it difficult to be 100% honest with him. This is his business. He's a workaholic and thrives off being busy and stressed. He knows I don't but the problem with DH is he wants me to do my job for him because he wouldn't trust someone else to do it. He has said before that if I didn't want to work for the business anymore we would most likely split up. I never agreed to take the job, he just asked me for more and more favours, and then basically threatened that we would break up if I didn't. I dropped part time in my old job and worked part time for him but then pressure started to leave my other job and do this full time.
I have a problem standing up to people in general, all the people in my life always tend to be a bit... bossy? DH, my mum and even my best friend (although my mum and friend have mellowed over time I think). I'm very laid back so I always joke that I need someone more bossy to balance me out but I am a hard worker, I've worked since I was 13 years old.
I just feel like I want to leave my phone, pick up my car keys and run away. I have a fantasy life all planned out. I don't want to leave DH, he is generally a good partner despite what I said about him bossy, I wouldn't say he is controlling as such and he is generous to me and I love him. I've been with him so much of my life that I can't remember what life was like without him.
I feel guilty for feeling any of this at all, I feel like I should be grateful as I know a lot of people would love this kind of job. DH says that everything he does, he does for us and when he isn't at work he's always with me. He doesn't cheat or gamble or do drugs or anything like that.
I don't know what to do, but I do know that I can't go back to how I was, I had gotten to a point where I felt the only way out was to end my life and I'm so scared I'll end up feeling that way again.
I don't give a damn how good he's been to you before what he's doing to you is emotional blackmail.1000%! You've proven that working for him is detrimental to your health mentally,emotionally and physically. A loving partner would loosen his arse cheeks and hire another person to perform your role and allow you to work elsewhere if that's what you need. I also don't think you're laid back I bet you've been beaten down and trained to be subservient from childhood. I highly suggest counseling with a mental help professional and then a come to Jesus moment with your husband. Be prepared for him to choose his job over anything (which he's already done)
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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