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Why would someone do this?

(60 Posts)
JuniperBerryIce4888 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:42:01

I split up with my ex a while ago as we were arguing a lot, I recently found out he had cheated as well. I sent him a few messages in anger calling him a liar, cheater, gaslighter. I wish I hadn't but I did.

Anyway, he messages me back with the longest list of every single thing I ever did wrong when I was with him. It's like the craziest thing I ever read. There are things on there that have nothing to do with him like my relationships with family members, he critisised me so much it shocked me. It's like he was saving all this stuff up in his head. And I have obviously blocked him.

I don't get it though, I can't get my head around it. I don't want to give it any more headspace so just an explanation to make sense of it would be useful? I know it's hard to say without knowing him, but why would someone do that?

If I'm being oversensitive tell me, thank you.

OP’s posts: |
lughnasadh Tue 30-Jun-20 14:44:34

You did the same.

What did you expect?

He dislikes you enormously, and sees no reason not to tell you, possibly to get you to stop messaging him.

Anthilda Tue 30-Jun-20 14:45:31

It's too justify his actions.
Like a log of all your misgivings and faults.
To justify to himself.

EdgarAllenCrow123 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:47:40

You split a while ago but now you sent him a few messages about what a shit he is and giving examples.

And he did it back.

And you can't believe that someone would do that?

That thing you did to him...?

JuniperBerryIce4888 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:50:48

Yeah , I did do the same . I suppose I'm my head I was reacting to a betrayal while in his head he was reacting to a critisism

To add context, he mentioned things I had done on the first day of talking to him, years ago. Stuff I had apologised for at the time. Stuff that he's twisted to mean something else. It's like a diary of every thing I did that negatively affected his view of me.

But yes, I did the same. I did say awful things.

OP’s posts: |
user1493413286 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:51:41

To deflect from what he’s done wrong?

JuniperBerryIce4888 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:53:06

No, I'm not surprised that he's angry and I'm not surprised that he's lashing out... I sent a few lines saying he was a liar and a cheat. He sent back a list of dozens of things I did wrong . I'm surprised at the amount of venom I suppose.

OP’s posts: |
Courtney555 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:59:03

Because it's better to deflect and point out what an "arsehole" you are, than be accountable for his own actions.

EdgarAllenCrow123 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:01:46

Well there you go then. I don't know why you're surprised he did the same

You've blocked him so just move on.

maudspellbody Tue 30-Jun-20 15:03:56


You did the same.

What did you expect?

He dislikes you enormously, and sees no reason not to tell you, possibly to get you to stop messaging him.

I don't think it's the same at all!

Finding out someone has cheated on you and betrayed you and lied to you - even if you split up previously to the discovery - hurts like fury and I think it's natural to want to tell them you know and think they were a complete shit bag.

I think replying with a bullet pointed list of every little transgression you've ever made is a slightly different matter. That's not lashing out in pain. It's calculated. And a bit creepy, actually. Who stores up grudges like that?

JuniperBerryIce4888 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:05:40

I actually feel better at someone saying he dislikes me enormously, I suppose I've had a knot in my stomach since it happened because it felt threatening somehow.

I'm being daft I suppose. It was like a character assassination and I took it to heart. Not the things he said but the fact he hated me enough to say them.

OP’s posts: |
JuniperBerryIce4888 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:13:42


Thank you so much, that's exactly how I feel and it's really good to have someone understand that.

I understand everyones point of view and I'm grateful to everyone for responding , but it all hurts a lot and I just need a way to understand it. I want to draw a line under it and move on completely.

OP’s posts: |
maudspellbody Tue 30-Jun-20 15:17:58

Not at all. I'm a bit surprised by some of the replies actually.

It hurts to be criticised like that especially when it feels unjust like this.

At least you know that you're so much better off out of it.

Lose the list. Don't give it any more thought.

What an arsehole.

JuniperBerryIce4888 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:20:06


I'm sorry , but I was wrong earlier. It isn't the same, what he did was he critisised every single part of me and who I am.

I critisised the part of him that cheated and lied to me.

It was absolutely not the same thing .

OP’s posts: |
pallasathena Tue 30-Jun-20 15:23:31

He's projected all his inner nastiness onto you OP. Don't give it headspace and learn from the experience that you can't change other peoples twatishness and downright nastiness. What you can do is to change the way you respond.
You've dodge a bullet. flowers

TropicalSun Tue 30-Jun-20 15:26:50

Deflection, blame and justification.
He can’t take criticism about what he did wrong to you so he responds by pointing out everything you’ve ever done wrong to anybody.
Pointing out your faults makes him feel better about his own behaviour, distracts attention away from his own behaviour and justifies his own behaviour, you are horrible = he is less at fault for cheating. Plus he gets to release his anger at being called out on his bad behaviour. Win x 4 in his head.

lifestooshort123 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:27:49

I'm shocked that he'd made a mental note of all the things he thought you'd done that were crap - what sort of a person itemises wrongdoings and has the list at his fingertips to throw back at you? Wow.

moonsnake Tue 30-Jun-20 15:30:07

Sometimes you get weird replies on Mumsnet.

My understanding is you found out he cheated on you when you were together. You sent him messages about this, he replied with a detailed character assassination?

Seems like he's a nasty piece of work who wanted to justify his wrong doing.

Lucky for you you're not together anymore.
Do not take anything he says to heart.

frazzledasarock Tue 30-Jun-20 15:31:16

He sounds really weird. Is he still single?

He just have been stewing for ages and you gave him a let in to lash out. He obviously can’t be the bad guy so it’s you.

Ex tried that, didn’t make him any less of bastard however.

And you’re well rid.

ellsom Tue 30-Jun-20 15:44:25

You mentioned gaslighting, so you had a vague idea what he was like now he's showing you the extent of what you narrowly missed, I'd keep running and for goodness sake don't take any of his nasty drivel personally.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 15:51:27

why would someone do that?

Why wouldn't they? It's to make you out as the bad guy.

So you listed 2 or so things he did. He listed dozens of things you did, to try and say that he's less bad than you.

But cheating and lying are probably worse than most of the things he mentioned.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 15:52:15

Glad you've blocked- make sure he's blocked on everything and keep him blocked please.

EdgarAllenCrow123 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:52:16

You sent him a stream of messages about what a fucking terrible person he is. Weeks or months after you're no longer in a relationship anyway.

If you received that what would you do? You might be right but what would you do? Would you think, yeah I am (most people wouldn't!) or would you say well...but you did x, y and z and if you're calling me a X....this is when you were an X..

Most people would. It's human nature. Send someone a stream of abuse about how shit they are, there'll usually respond and attack you right back

I guarantee his side of the story is different to yours. To me, he sounds a shit but i'm sure he finds ways to example you being out of order, and that's why he sent you what he did.

You only have to be on MN for a day to see how differently things can be presented and how differently things can be perceived.

You positioned yourself as a victim of his so he batted back saying well what about...

That's why there's no point in putting yourself in the position you did where you lash out and you admit you said awful things. That gives him as a twat, the green light to say alright....but YOU are/did this. Force will ALWAYS be met with resistance. Always. No matter who is 'right'.

You've blocked him so just move on.

JuniperBerryIce4888 Tue 30-Jun-20 16:00:51

Thank you everyone , I really appreciate the responses, so.. deflection, blame, justification and projection are reasons for it, I'm going to keep thinking about this today and look up all those things you have talked about. Tonight when I go to bed I'm letting it go.

I feel better already , understanding more about why he would do it. I felt threatened, i was just reading through that message and I was feeling sicker and sicker .... It started off something like...

Just a few things for you to consider

On the first night we spoke you were so drunk and your life was a mess

I'm missing out another part of the line because it was personal but that's pretty much it .

He talks about relationships that have broken down for me due to them taking sides with a relative who abused me ( it was their choice to do that ), he says, I need to forgive and hold out on olive branch. He's an idiot.

Sorry, it just helps to have an outlet . There were other things he said that were really, really hurtful but they cut quite deep so...

I can't believe I ever thought he was someone I could confide in

He is still single and he wanted us to try again believe it or not. This was previous to any of this , but just last week he was saying he wished we could go back.

OP’s posts: |
Sooobooored Tue 30-Jun-20 16:04:31

This is why mumsnet advice is always ignore, block and delete when relationships end.

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