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Help! I'm stuck

(36 Posts)
applesaregood91 Tue 30-Jun-20 12:28:08

Hi All,

This is going to be a long one so apologies in advance.

I met my current boyfriend in August last year, he was everything I ever dreamed of, tall, dark, handsome, replied to my messages, sensitive the lot.

And then came the problems. When I met him, he'd been split from his wife of 10 years for a year. Between the ex wife and myself, he went out on a date with a mutual friend of his friend. The date lived in Scotland (we live in Bristol) so quite a fair distance so they had plenty of time to get to know each other beforehand. During this time (before he even met her) they had everything planned. The dogs name, the kids names, the wedding venue etc. He had already booked flights to be with her at Christmas and was already planning to go and live in Scotland with her. Safe to say, the date didn't go well and she sacked him off.

Then came me. The first dates were brilliant, we really clicked and had a good time. Then, about 2 weeks in, I went round his house and he was in absolute floods of tears because things hadn't worked out with this date. I sat with him, comforted him, let him get it all out and in the end, he wanted to keep trying things with me. To be honest, I probably should have left at this point.

In October, we went to Cardiff on the train, and again, he started crying at a particular train station because it was the last place that this date had dropped him off. Strange, I know.

To cut a long story short, 6-7 months in to our relationship and he's still talking to this girl he went on the date with. To the point where he was constantly checking her Facebook for pictures etc. I understand that they can be friends but given their history, I wasn't convinced that he still didn't have feelings for her. I told him how I felt about it and he agreed and said he would stop talking to her. He didn't.

3 months later, he makes a big deal about blocking her on Facebook/Instagram and deleting her number as he feels it's best for our relationship. Again, I find that this is a lie and although I can't find evidence that he's spoken to her, he's still gone through and liked stuff on her page.

I like to think I'm a pretty reasonable person but even I feel now that this is pushing the limits. I'm sick and tired of being in a relationship where I constantly feel like second best, where my feelings aren't taken seriously and nothing ever changes.

He says to me that I'm the only one he wants to be with but I can't help but think that his behaviour suggests otherwise.

I was just looking for some impartial advice as I don't really know what to do anymore.

Many thanks for your help

OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Tue 30-Jun-20 12:43:48

as I don't really know what to do anymore
Please just slowly read through your post again.
Imagine this a friend telling you all of this.
What would your advice be?
Because to me this is a total and utter no-brainer.
What you need to understand is why are you so desperate?
Why are you putting up with this?
Why didn't you ditch him the first time you saw him crying over another woman?
Why do you feel this is all you deserve?
Why don't you want better for yourself?
Why don't you value yourself enough to end this?
Look into counselling for you.
First though... dump this guy.
FFS, he's a loser!

Cantpickausername5 Tue 30-Jun-20 13:17:52

Um I'm a little but baffled at how your baffled at this situation. Clearly he is not even remotely over this woman and still in love with her, so he has only meet this woman once and in this time he was planning on moving to be with her and picked out dogs names, kids names and planned an wedding, ooookay!! I mean red flags all round there but whatever, verus you, who he has been in a 6 month relationship with and all you have had is tears and lies over another woman?? That he has literally meet just once??. And you have sat there and comforted him while he crys over a different woman he has meet just ONCE! . What are you doing? I'll be honest this guy sounds weird and flaky. Who the hell plans a wedding and names the kids before you have even meet the person.

Buddyelf Tue 30-Jun-20 13:19:15

I was just looking for some impartial advice as I don't really know what to do anymore.

Leave and never look back. Seriously his behaviour with the other woman is a glaring red flag. Leave him ASAP

Thingsdogetbetter Tue 30-Jun-20 13:37:39

Bloody hell, you have the patience of a saint. A naive, overly optimistic saint who is in serious denial!

You started a relationship with a man seriously obsessed with a woman he'd planned a whole future with, in detail, before he'd even meet her. Wonder how much of this detailed future planning she was actually party to? And why do you know the details of his plans with nearly but not actually exgf? Did he tell you? Did he tell to you a lot about 'their' plans - just to keep the fantasy alive?

Meets her for the first and last time, and it didn't work out. Then starts a new relationship and gets comforted by new gf about old nearly-but-not-actually gf. And you stuck around? You even stuck around after he burst into tears about his last date with her, on a date with you! Bloody hell, how inappropriate, and insulting to you!

Then he keeps contact and lies to you about it. While obsessively checking her SM. I'll bet the whole blocking her for the best of your relationship is bollock. She probably told him to leave alone! And he's still stalking her fb!

This does not sound like an emotionally stable man. He sounds like an obsessed man to me. His actions are screaming that he's scarily, unhealthily obsessed with her still, no matter what he says to you.

Sunnydayshereatlast Tue 30-Jun-20 13:39:45

You are not his therapist.
And most certainly not his gf.
Run op.

Cherrysoup Tue 30-Jun-20 13:40:48

Wow, OP, run for the hills!

Crystalspider Tue 30-Jun-20 13:41:42

You know you're second best, your the only one only because she doesn't want to be with him, why would you keep yourself in this situation, surely you think you deserve to be someone's number one? leave him and find someone that adores you.

tenlittlecygnets Tue 30-Jun-20 13:47:02

What @hellsbellsmelons said.

Why on Earth are you putting up with this? You're not his therapy.

End things and find a man who's not pining over someone else!

Bunnymumy Tue 30-Jun-20 13:52:48

Either je is still in love with her and a total coward to be dating you too because he has issues being alone. OR this is narcissistic triangulation and you will always be second best or not good enough in comparison too... (in this case, an ex)

My bet is on the later because of how quickly he was declaring love for this other lass (right after his marriage ended!) And also how quickly he then jumped onto you. Was there love bombing involved at the start?

You say he is 'sensitive'. How exactly? Because he clearly isnt sensitive to your needs. Or he is, but enjoys neglecting them. Making you deep like a spare cog in his and his exs one that got away saga.

She knew something you don't. Run for the hills!

Bunnymumy Tue 30-Jun-20 13:53:45

*feel like a spare cog

Bunnymumy Tue 30-Jun-20 13:55:40

...or whatever the equivalent of hills are in Bristol lol.

BurtsBeesKnees Tue 30-Jun-20 14:04:20

Way way WAY too much drama this early in!

You consoled him whilst he was crying over another woman he'd dated once? Re-read that and then leave him

applesaregood91 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:34:20

Thank you everyone. I guess I knew deep down, just needed validation and clarification because I keep getting told that I'll never find anyone as good as him.

@Bunnymumy I have always wondered whether he's with me, for me or whether he's with me because he's so desperate to be with someone. When I asked him if I was filling a void, he said to me that I was filling the void of one date girl rather than the ex wife. It baffles me that he could be so obsessed with someone that he only went on one date with.

You're right in the fact that he has no regard for my feelings. He completely dismisses them when I talk about one date girl, blames it on my anxiety and always turns everything round to make him look like the angel.

To make matters worse, he still sleeps with a Teddy Bear that his ex wife gave him. When I told him how I felt about that, he put it away for a bit. I work nights and when I got back this morning, the Teddy bear was out again. He started crying when I said it needed to go. There are deeper rooted issues here but you're all right, I'm his girlfriend, not his therapist.

OP’s posts: |
Wigglefish123 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:40:48

OMG are you mental?....what validation do you need ? He still sleeps with a teddy bear....it’s his ex wife’s ....😂😂...please tell me this is a wind up

Bunnymumy Tue 30-Jun-20 14:50:03

He tells you you'll never find anyone as good as him?

Run.

applesaregood91 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:53:31

Not by him, my parents! They absolutely love him

OP’s posts: |
Wigglefish123 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:55:25

Do they know about the teddy bear ?

Bunnymumy Tue 30-Jun-20 14:56:12

I'd be ditching my parents too xD

Seriously he sounds like a gaslighting narcissist. Are you sure Scottish ex even exists? Either way I think he just uses her to make you feel like shit.

Hope you don't live with him?

Crystalspider Tue 30-Jun-20 14:59:19

Have you told your parents what he's really like? Honestly I think you'll find much better and at the end of the day it's your life to live, don't let your parents cloud your judgement.

I do understand though, parents can have a big influence over how should think you should feel, I wish I never listened to mine when dating my XH

applesaregood91 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:00:28

I know she exists because I've seen him obsessively checking her page. How true the rest of the stuff is, I'm not sure.

His parents don't help, on the day of what would have been his wedding anniversary, his mum called him at the exact time he would have been saying his vows to make sure he was OK 🙄 they almost encourage his behaviour.

Unfortunately yes, I do live with him. Its my house so I can get him out but I just feel guilty because he's got nowhere else to go. He doesn't really have any friends in the area and his parents live miles away

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 15:01:48

I keep getting told that I'll never find anyone as good as him.

Who by? Him? If so he is an abuser attempting to dent your self esteem so you stay under his control.

If you're told this by friends or family, they obviously don't fully know what's happening, or for some reason find it hard to imagine what it's like for you.

If anyone heard that he was bawling over another girl in front of you they'd say you should dump him, unless they have very weird ideas about what women should do for men.

Yes, you should've finished with him the first time it happened.

But now's your chance.

When I asked him if I was filling a void, he said to me that I was filling the void of one date girl rather than the ex wife.

Is this how you want a boyfriend to talk to you? You don't have to put up with this complete disregard of your feelings. He's using you as an object- a bear or a comfort blankie. He's not thinking of you at all.

He completely dismisses them when I talk about one date girl, blames it on my anxiety and always turns everything round to make him look like the angel.

That's verbal abuse- your perceptions are just as valid as his.

. I work nights and when I got back this morning, the Teddy bear was out again. He started crying when I said it needed to go. There are deeper rooted issues here but you're all right, I'm his girlfriend, not his therapist.

You are, and so he belongs in the bin. If this is real, the man's not normal, but that's not your concern. Don't stick around because you feel sorry for him, even if he starts to get help.

Your feelings are not only equally important, they should be more important to you because you are you.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 30-Jun-20 15:18:39

^ Its my house so I can get him out but I just feel guilty because he's got nowhere else to go^

He survived before you so of course he can and will again. It was a bit soon to move someone in TBH,

Dery Tue 30-Jun-20 16:58:45

"Thank you everyone. I guess I knew deep down, just needed validation and clarification because I keep getting told that I'll never find anyone as good as him."

But he's not good at all. He's a nightmare. Red flags abound here. The idea that he was planning marriage and children with a woman he had never even met - that is actually rather scary.

What did you learn about relationships growing up? Why do you think you don't deserve a partner who is devoted to you and committed to a relationship with you? Why are you settling for such meagre crumbs and from a man who has actually moved into your house? He is all kinds of wrong for you.

And for goodness sake, you don't owe him a home. He's a grown up. Let him live with his parents for a while if that's what it takes but don't keep housing him. Get him gone. Perhaps do some work on yourself to work out why you thought you deserved so little from a relationship and raise your bar a lot higher before dating anyone else. You might find it helpful to read Women Who Love Too Much?

candycane222 Tue 30-Jun-20 17:10:53

Your parents probably think you 'have' him. But you don't. So you have nothing to lose except a load of heartache and aggravation from his gaslighting.

Mke sure your parents understand you have never had a place in his heart, so you are not throwing anything away except misery and torment.

If they are only interested in the appearance of a relationship, not the substance, then they do not have your best interestes at heart. Hopefully, once they understand there is no real realtionship there, and he was disrespecting you 100%, then they will understand why you have said your goodbyes.

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