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And suddenly it all changed

(32 Posts)
LArnold2019 Tue 30-Jun-20 11:03:42

My partner and I went through a horrible turbulent time recently. He had an emotional breakdown and I tried everything I could to help him, but unfortunately with everything that happened, and a lot happened, I went down with him and became very low and depressed myself. He ended up moving out of my place, a place we decorated together, a place where we had made plans for a future, engagement, kids etc and is now back with his parents 45 mins away. It’s where he needs to be, as he needs time to get better and so do I. We are still together but he wants to take things slow, not put any pressure on things and just continue to date and see eachother a couple of times a week. Looking back, we moved in together too quickly, he hadn’t resolved issues from his previous relationship or really taken the time to be on his own but at that time, we were blissfully happy living together and it didn’t seem too quick, but hindsight is wonderful. We lost a lot of ourselves during this recent turbulent time, as individuals and as a couple so he wants to take things slow and build up again, and do the whole dating thing that we didn’t really do in the beginning, as we lived in each others pockets almost immediately. We are not seeing other people and are in a relationship, just without the ‘pressure’, or so he keeps saying.

Truth is, I’m struggling with that, really struggling. He has gone back to his large family where he is around people 24/7. His best friend (male) is with him every single day, to the point where they are joined at the hip, to me that’s not having space or being on your own, but he tells me it’s just situational as his friend has split up from his girlfriend and latching onto him, and I am at home, on my own, waking up on my own, working on my own, having dinner on my own. I don’t have a huge family, just my mum left so I try to see her most nights, but I feel really lost and lonely and I miss him a lot. It’s like everything I had ever wanted was taken away and he has just picked up where he left off back in his hometown and our relationship has gone from being together everyday to just dating casually. It was like 3 steps forward and 7 back. I know he needs his own time and space to sort things out but he is also talking about buying his own place so he has a safety net, which I completely understand. But that means us not living together again, at least not for a couple of years. I feel like I’m being left behind, I’m not sure if I should feel like this or if it is just because i myself am depressed and missing him so much and the life we had together before this breakdown. He still tells me he loves me, and we still have an awesome connection when we do see eachother, just it’s hard going from seeing him everyday and being a huge priority in his life, to seeing him once or twice a week and him texting me when he feels like it. How do I handle this situation.....

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Tue 30-Jun-20 11:08:03

I'm very sorry op, but it sounds like it's over to me. Cut your loses and move on.

justanotherneighinparadise Tue 30-Jun-20 11:11:36

Cut your losses OP. He will always have the tendency to run back to his family in a crisis. He is not dependable and not someone you should be having children with.

Honestly having kids will leave you financially vulnerable as your time will be eaten up and your capacity to work will diminish. He will run and you will be left alone. See this as a very large red flag and walk away while you can.

TheWindowDonkey Tue 30-Jun-20 11:14:38

I’d agree with Aquamarine. He has taken a big step back for a reason. Only you know whether you believe his motivations and feel they are valid or he is gently trying to extract himself.
I actually do know guys who would take that space and then go back, Ive seen it happen, but then Ive seen it happen again and again throughout the same relationship. The woman on the end of the yoyo ended up broken. its a question of whether you are able to handle that or not...and it doesn't sound like its working for you.

littlebirdieblue Tue 30-Jun-20 11:17:41

Sounds like you've both had a hard time, but I agree with what others have said. He's left you behind by going back to his parents, I think the relationship if you try to stay together will not be what it was before. It's sad but I think the relationship has run its course. You should take time to heal from this and start to feel good about yourself again.

wheresmymojo Tue 30-Jun-20 11:18:46

How is your social network OP?

What hobbies and interests do you have?

To me this is flagging up a wider concern that it sounds like you're relying a lot on him to be your 'everything' - which can lead to a difficult dynamic in a relationship in lots of different ways.

puzzledpiece Tue 30-Jun-20 11:21:44

I think you need (as much as possible) to catch up with friends, work and hobbies, or at least the things you did before meeting him.

You managed before, you need to do it again. It looks like living with you hasn't worked for him, so it may be the beginning of the end I'm afraid.

Tiny2018 Tue 30-Jun-20 11:33:02

I think he wants it over with but feels too guilty to make the final cut. Sorry op xx

Sharkerr Tue 30-Jun-20 11:35:40

He’s basically broken up with you but in the most cowardly way possible, moving out without the drama and then hoping you’ll end it as it fizzles out. I’d be insulted tbh!

Etinox Tue 30-Jun-20 11:38:31

Cut your losses. Before you date again have some sessions with a therapist because everything in your OP is about other people and how you need them to make you happy, I didn't get any sense of 'you'.
Happy people are not dependent on the other people in their lives for their happiness.
Lots of therapists are offering zoom and reduced rates at the moment, lots of work place schemes too.

LArnold2019 Tue 30-Jun-20 11:40:55

He was splitting his time between my house and his parents for a while. But it wasn’t working for me, I was so low and down with everything going on, I told him he needed to find a base camp and stick to it for a while. I told him to take all his stuff so it wasn’t him that ended everything. But he did feel he needed to go back to his family, I just couldn’t have all things around whilst he did that as it hurt. I was going to end things and he didn’t want me to. I am really confused now, especially with some of the posts on here too, I really appreciate everyone commenting just it is giving me more food for thought than I had originally planned

OP’s posts: |
mildlymiffed Tue 30-Jun-20 11:45:35

You are worth more. And perhaps in the future you will be worth more to someone else. But for now be worth more to yourself, call it quits, and start rebuilding yourself without him I would say.

He is having his cake and eating it- family, best mate, and an occasional girlfriend. Can you move forward with him, knowing that he may be like this again in the future when the going gets tough?

Poppyismyfavourite Tue 30-Jun-20 11:47:47

hmm sounds like he wants a fun casual girlfriend but not a serious relationship.
Were you definitely on the same page about serious stuff like marriage / buying a house together / kids or was it really driven by you?

Dery Tue 30-Jun-20 11:48:15

"I think you need (as much as possible) to catch up with friends, work and hobbies, or at least the things you did before meeting him.

You managed before, you need to do it again. It looks like living with you hasn't worked for him, so it may be the beginning of the end I'm afraid."

This. You don't say how long you've been together but you can both see now that it was too much too soon even if it felt right at the time. The trouble with relationships which move very fast is that they are built on fantasy not reality. They can mature into something long-term, no doubt, but equally they often collapse when reality bites. That's why it's important to think with your head as well as your heart.

All you can do now is give him space and fill your life with other people and activities. Over time, he may decide he wants to try again or he may not but if his answer to tough times is to bail then he doesn't look like a very reliable proposition. Also, the fact that his depression took you down with him suggests that the relationship may have been rather co-dependent.

Either way you need to focus on building a life without him in it because you can only benefit from that. It will be painful for a while - it's a massive blow to have all your life plans blown out of the water. Be gentle with yourself. Pamper yourself. See what you can learn from this experience. I find that the most painful experiences in life tend to be the most educational and therefore very useful in the long-term. It may not feel like it now but we can all promise you that, with time and activity, you will get over this.

NotaCoolMum Tue 30-Jun-20 11:51:55

You can’t rewind a relationship and slow it down. If he wants to go back to casual dating then it doesn’t sound good... if he’s having a “breakdown” of sorts- one would hope that you, his partner would be the one he leans on for support. Sorry OP 💐

LemonTT Tue 30-Jun-20 11:57:14

The OP sounds like a narrative being spun to explain away a failing or failed relationship. At first I thought it was you parroting his version of “it’s not you it is me” without question. But the last post puts things in a different context.

If I understand it correctly, he never committed to living with you and spent equal time with his parents. I expect he called that place home. I expect he never put his name to a bill or had post sent to yours. That you told him to leave tells me it was your place not his.

I don’t think you are being honest with yourself. I don’t think you see his behaviour clearly. On some level you know he wasn’t committed to you and that he wasn’t happy. But you are trying to find evidence to the contrary. You tried to force his hand with an ultimatum. He didn’t chose living with you. But he never did make that choice.

He doesn’t want the same relationship as you. He is quite happy to have a girlfriend that he sees occasionally. He doesn’t want a committed relationship whatever he said. His actions didn’t follow through with the future faking lies.

Btw unhappy and depressed are not the same thing.

islandislandisland Tue 30-Jun-20 12:16:31

Just typed and lost a response to you that I think has disappeared for good. I was in a similar position, my ex left our rented property and moved back in with his dad forcing me to do the same as at the time I couldn't afford to rent alone. He was 'depressed' ie taking lots of drugs and ultimately he couldn't hack living independently at the age of 27.. we did stay together and I moved in with him at his dad's for a bit then I realised he was never intending for us to progress and live alone again so I left him. He still lives at home 6 years later. I think if your boyfriend is talking about buying his own place then he isn't planning on you returning to how you were anytime soon and you could spend years hoping whilst he's subtly moving on without you. Also in my experience 'just dating and having fun with no pressure' never works if you've previously had more commitment to one another as you'll always be hoping to get back to how you were, and it will just remind you of the backwards step you've taken. I would move on without him.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 30-Jun-20 13:20:45

You've had a huge warning.

He doesn't see himself as an adult with his own new life to forge, but still a kid whose base is 'home' - he played grown ups with you for a bit, but when times got tough, he didn't try and deal with that as an adult, with his own home and partner... he just regressed straight back to his boy's bedroom and mummy making his breakfast.

You're currently giving him the message that this is ok. We can play at grown ups, but really, he's Teenage Boy and you're Nice Girlfriend Down The Road. And, oh dear, he's enjoying it at the moment. Hanging out with his mates, having his pants washed and dinner cooked, and when he wants a shag, sorry, an 'awesome connection' coming round? I bet it's an awesome connection, he gets to take you out of the box when he's really in the mood to play and put you back straight away without all the other annoying grown-uppy stuff.

Cut it off - he sounds a terrible prospect to make life plans with. He may grow up, but he certainly hasn't yet. And also, he doesn't care about you enough. He knows you're now on your own figuring things out, but he's more than happy to let you do that alone, because he's ok.

Not a keeper. Tell him you're done.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 30-Jun-20 13:33:06

Just read your second post more closely

But he did feel he needed to go back to his family, I just couldn’t have all things around whilst he did that as it hurt. I was going to end things and he didn’t want me to.

This isn't a partner... wants to run back to his own family to be looked after and cosseted when times are tough, you can just cope alone. So much for getting through things together...

But oh, I don't want you to dump me! No, I want to keep the good bits. The easy bits. I want to come back for sex or send texts when I feel like it - not even regularly, no sense of me showing I am caring for you - just 'occasional' texts but I'll come round a couple of times a week for the physical stuff. The rest of the time I'll be having fun with my mate or enjoying being looked after like I'm back being 12, and I probably won't even be thinking that you're on your own for another evening.

angry

Get angry.

mildlymiffed Tue 30-Jun-20 13:49:32

@op

FizzyGreenWater speaks much sense. Listen to her... start living, as opposed to just existing in limbo, waiting for someone else to make your life better.

Dery Tue 30-Jun-20 14:07:37

Yep - @FizzyGreenWater puts it perfectly.

Stop being available for him to pick up and put down when it suits him. You tried to finish it before - finish it now. He's no use to you. You've had a lucky escape though it might not feel like that yet. Get busy and interested in your life - fill it (even if only virtually) with activities and experiences which interest you. You've had some time to grieve and there will still be bumps in the road but with time and activity, you will start to feel better and he will increasingly become an irrelevance (except for the useful lessons you have learnt from the experience). Onwards and upwards OP!

StressedMom4 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:23:14

Oh @LArnold2019 you're still depressed and need to spend time helping yourself. It could be a misunderstanding between you two and he hasn't actually left you, left you.

Please take this time to focus on yourself, it's going to be hard especially being reminded that he's got family and friends to keep him company but honestly the best thing you need right now is making yourself better.

You've got hindsight so take advantage of that and figure out what you want in a relationship (with him or with someone else)

Take the time to find a hobby that keeps you focused and makes you feel happy.

You're gonna be fine.

BelieveBubble826 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:23:53

Another actions speak louder than words

He has ended the relationship, cowardly

End it completely

Find someone who wants to spend time with you. He is not the one

Instamaticgreenery Tue 30-Jun-20 14:28:24

Op I'm in a similar situation, my ex didn't go back to his parents, but ended it with me and then wanted to go back to dating rather than the more serious relationship we had. It's difficult to say goodbye but it does need to be done.

Work on YOU, you're the most important person in all of this. Look after yourself, read good books, learn to love yourself as you heal from the depression. And you will heal, and you'll be ok thanks

Hanab Tue 30-Jun-20 14:40:55

Big hug 🌷 he wore you down & then left cowardly.. still is a coward.. find something that makes YOU happy.. a pet a hobby anything.. just not him ..

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