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Just need some advice

(9 Posts)
Cherry111 Tue 30-Jun-20 08:37:31

I've just told him I'm not happy. I can't keep it in any longer, I feel sick but I had to say something as I'm lying to myself. I have a 3 year old and said I'm going to go to my Dads later for headspace. Im so scared
, he's going to make out I'm crazy but I can't continue on in a relationship like this. I'm so sad and I cry a lot. I'm sure he is a narcissist. We've been together for 4 years, he lovebombed me and I fell for it like a mug. He basically said I'm a head case, and where is this coming from. He hates my Mum and all my friends. I'm trying to be strong as I know I'm not happy and I can't speak to him about anything, I'm scared and I can't continue in an emotionally dead relationship anymore. I deserve more, I'm in my 40's btw. I'm sorry if I drip feed but there is too much to say in one post. He's going to turn everyone against me and make me out a lunatic as he's the perfect guy to everyone else. I'm so unhappy and I don't know what to do next.

OP’s posts: |
Babdoc Tue 30-Jun-20 08:53:22

Firstly, here’s a hug. Now, slow down - you’re writing a script for the future that accepts his version of events and assumes everyone will believe him. This is not the case - once you seek help from your friends and family, they will support you, not him. What normal decent father would ignore his distressed emotionally abused daughter, in order to help his son in law continue the abuse?
OP, it’s important that you confide in your family and friends. Abusers always try to cut you off from such people, to make you dependent on the abuser alone, and close off any source of outside help.
You are making huge strides - you have recognised the abuse, you are planning to leave, to go to your dad for help - this is all excellent. Your abusive partner will try to stop you, and either grind you down by sapping your will to leave, or revert to temporary love bombing to convince you to stay.
Ignore all of it. Get yourself and your child out of there so you have peace and room to think clearly, with the support of your family.
You can contact Women’s Aid for advice, too, they are very helpful with practical support if needed, and information on your legal rights etc.
Good luck, OP. Let us know how you get on.

pog100 Tue 30-Jun-20 08:54:46

Sounds to me like you have managed to retain some semblance of an independent view of this and are managing to get out to someone who will have your back? In which case, well done! Carry on and your head will clear and you will be happier. Lots of people will support you here.

Dery Tue 30-Jun-20 09:16:46

@Babdoc and @pog100 both have it completely right.

You've got this. You know you're being abused and you're getting out. That is terrific.

It's unsurprising that he's terrorising you with threats about what everyone else will think. It's a way of keeping you where he wants you - which is with him and isolated from everyone who cares about you and who are physical embodiments of your independence from him. After all, much easier to control you and beat you down if you are cut off from everyone else. You are actually speaking his words because as part of his abuse he will have invaded your psyche. It is what abusers do. But your instincts are strong - he hasn't curbed those. That's why you know you need to go. Don't discuss it with him. Just go.

He may appear perfect to people on the outside but you know there is no perfect and I would deeply suspect anyone who appeared perfect. I think you'll find more people suspect him than you realise - including your mother and other friends from whom he's tried to separate you. It's common in abusers to create a respectable face (including overtly engaging in charitable works, taking on 'pillar of the community' roles etc) so as to hide their true natures. That element is increasingly well known and the important people will believe you. They may be shocked at first but that is different from disbelief.

And in the end it doesn't matter what other people think and believe - you know you need to get out and the further you get from this man, the more your head will clear.

Good luck, OP. Onwards and upwards. Keep posting here for support if it helps. Reach out to the people who know you - let them help you through this difficult time - and steer clear of anyone who is unsupportive as you extricate yourself from your abusive relationship. You will get through this and there will come a time when you're just looking back on this unhappy and difficult time from a much better place.

GilbertMarkham Tue 30-Jun-20 09:23:21

He hates my Mum and all my friends.

That's a bit too much of a coincidence, isnt it?

Your mum and all your friends?!!

In other words, any external source of support you (or alternative viewpoint to his).

Look, stop falling for his "I set the narrative, I'll tell.people a,b,c etc."bullshit; he can say what he likes .... And you can say what you like. He can say you're a headcase, you can equally say to people he's a headcase (which he sounds like he is). They can choose to believe what they want.

Do you really think anyone who matters to you would believe him or take his side?

Even as an outsider, the fact that he had you stressed, upset, down etc. and the fact that he "dislikes" your relatives and friends immediately makes me think he's a dickhead/bastard (and probably abuser).

And the likelihood of your relatives and friends knowing a lot more that makes them think badly of him is high ..
Dies he disilke them because they've been critical of him. I wonder why hmm.

He doesn't define reality. He can say what he likes. You likewise can say what you like.

There's no public hearing for who was at fault in a relationship .. ultimately no-one really gives a fuck. It's old news very fast.

Anyone who cares about you will be glad if you leave him and see him for what he is .. there's a reason you're unhappy with him and that he's antagonistic to numerous people you know.

GilbertMarkham Tue 30-Jun-20 09:30:56

as he's the perfect guy to everyone else.

People see through other people more than you imagine.

When you're with them, they won't often criticise them to your face because .. well, you're with them and they don't want to alienate you and affect their relationship with you.

If he hates your mum and friends; are they totally and utterly unaware of that? That seems unlikely. In that case he's not the perfect guy to them, is he?

You can't stop him trying to slander you, but you can share few pertinent examples of his less than wonderful behaviour to people too .. I'm sure there are plenty. People can read between the lines.

But do you know what; people don't really care and it doesn't matter. Your silence would be equally effective.

DianaT1969 Tue 30-Jun-20 14:44:09

Your parents and friends have known you for years. They formed their opinion long before this man came on the scene. Breathe, plan your next steps, discuss this with people you trust. Don't let his version of events control your behaviour. If you think you need help for depression not anxiety do see your GP. If he is a good father, facilitate access to your shared child in a calm, rational way once you have separated. Remember that people split up and move on all the time.

TreatMeNice Tue 30-Jun-20 16:16:11

Sound's like he's more insecure than you know, threating to turn those against you is just a rant, because his biggest fear is once you have their backing and support his power over controlling you will fade.

Bunnymumy Tue 30-Jun-20 16:34:41

Meh, he can tell who he likes you are a lunatic because they aren't exactly friends of yours in the first place if they believe him. Who cares what some random ppl who dont even know you think!

I bet your mum and actual friends know he is a knob too.

Get yourself and your wee one out of there.

Narcissists like to say 'everyone thinks this about you...' because it makes you feel alone. You arent alone, you have friends and fam. Ans how does he know what 'everyone' thinks anyway. Maybe they think he is a bullshitter too but just keep quiet for a quiet life.

You are doing right to get away from him.
He sucks.

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