Confidence shattered

[Confidenceonfloor]

Sorry about the long post but I feel crap and need perspective!


I dated a foreign guy I met online for around 5 months in a very weird scenario which ended at start this year.How it ended left me feeling really crap and I just can't figure out was he a dick or am I too sensitive.

For first while he seemed keen.I did feel however that something was off.This sense was heightened when we first tried to have sex and he lost his erection.He's only 34 and it happened the next time too.I was very understanding, asked him had he had problems before which he denied and then said he didn't want to talk about previous relationships so I didn't push it but did think it odd.

One night prior to this we had been talking about my friend divorcing and he was asking stuff about it.We also talked about house-shares and he gave me the impression he had been house-sharing in for years before moving into his new place here.

My senses were up though and I found out online (but not through social media and he never figured out how I found out) that he was married and had a kid.I confronted him with the intention of ending it.When I did he admitted he was about to divorce and had adopted his wife's son,seemed really depressed as she had done a runner with the kid etc.I wondered if he was readly for a relationship and out of the blue he said he wanted something casual.This was not the impression he'd given previously. Though we never had "the talk" all his actions spoke relationship.I felt sorry for him and liked him so stupidly agreed to casual thinking that he'd come round once divorce through. Idiot me!

Few weeks later divorce through and he's still in touch but less and cancelling dates for random reasons so I called him out on it and he said he liked me but was confused.I told him not to bother contacting me again unless he was sure and that I didn't want a ghosting scenario as been through that before.

So it's my birthday last week and he messages to wish me happy birthday but really the whole message is about him,how he was confused and how he hopes I meet someone and he hadn't known the kind of woman he wanted (clearly not my kind,lol!).Basically it seemed an unnecessary reminder months later that he is not interested except then he offered to do a survey in a house I'm buying (that's his job) so I thought maybe he is still interested but when I went to take him up on offer he said he couldn't come to house at the moment (not cos of covid as would've been socially distant) but I could send him photos!That really made me fricking mad and I felt he was stringing me on so I very politely told him what I thought of him and he apologised but no explanation.

The thing is I can't get him off my mind and I can't figure out if it's cos I really liked him or because I was rejected-on my b.day,like who does that!!!!I'm also annoyed at myself as I'm torn between feeling sorry for what he went through and being so angry that he could lie about being married so he could just use me as a rebound and then the final insult to reject me months later-when if I had had any sense and standards I should have dumped him the minute I found out he lied.I also wonder now could he not perform cos he just didn't find me attractive, although that's not the impression he gave at the time.It has just left me with my confidence on the floor, wondering if all I am worth is to be used and I'm afraid of ever dating again:(

Am I over-reacting or are my feelings valid?Any idea how to get my confidence back?

[pog100]

I've no idea about all the other stuff but losing an erection is never ever about your level of attractiveness. It could be a myriad of other things but with a willing woman in the room a man doesn't care about how you look.

[Crystalspider]

No you're not over-reacting he led you on telling you it was something casual after he slept with you.
The errection thing was down to the burden of his own BS not your attractiveness. Who wants a limp dick anyway, I think you're well rid.
The best thing to do is get back out there and date other men, stick to what you want and don't settle for less.

[Lucky0707]

From a male point of view having a limp one is his issue not yours. Could be mental stress or a physiological issue. If the tosser didn't find you attractive what was he doing there at all. Not your issue at all. Plenty of arseholes about it's just knowing who they are that's hard....unlike his cock!

[Confidenceonfloor]

Thanks.Last message gave me a giggle.I guess I'm just shocked that someone could bin me months later on my birthday!-essentially saying I'm not for them,having used me as a rebound,when I'd been so understanding of him and he was the lying toad with the flaccidity issues!Had I known his story at the start I wouldn't have gone near him.

It just doesn't make me feel fantastic about myself being rejected by that calibre of man and the thought of dating again is making panic and I really need somehow to work on my confidence,but how is the question?

[Lucky0707]

Just get him a Moonpig card made up with a Viagra on it saying get hard soon. It'd make me feel better if I did something like that anyway.
I had someone show no interest in me for 10 years, so I know about dented confidence. Like most things in life time is the only thing that will help. Sod all consolation at the time but I will confess to owning a Willie Nelson album called the healing hands of time and I'm going to agree with him.

[NoMoreDickheads]

he said he couldn't come to house at the moment (not cos of covid as would've been socially distant) but I could send him photos!

He is a sleazy user. Block him- you'll feel better for it. xx

feeling sorry for what he went through

Focus more on how he treated you, and how it made you feel.

When I did he admitted he was about to divorce and had adopted his wife's son,seemed really depressed as she had done a runner with the kid etc

This could all be lies too- he lied completely the first time.

if I had had any sense and standards I should have dumped him the minute I found out he lied.

We all live and learn- you know how you'll handle it next time you come across a dickhead.

I also wonder now could he not perform cos he just didn't find me attractive

A lot of men have this issue, especially as he doesn't sound the most psychologically sorted of people. It doesn't reflect on you at all. xxx

wondering if all I am worth is to be used and I'm afraid of ever dating again

When you feel upto dating again, you now know to quickly throw them in the bin at the first sign of being sleazy etc. Don't give them sex too early- I know it sounds old fashioned but in my experience if you offer it to men on a plate they often just go 'ta very much' and vanish after a fairly short time, or use you. They don't respect us if we do that, and that's when they may call us names or treat us badly in other ways.

Of course your feelings are valid. You can get some of your confidence back by blocking him on everything. That way you're asserting to yourself that someone treating you this way is not ok- that you deserve to be treated well.

essentially saying I'm not for them

Ah but he didn't say that, he asked for photos. That shows what calibre of a man you're dealing with. The whole thing says everything about him, not you (though you'll know next time to tell crap ones to fuck off earlier.)

Get more angry at him rather than turning it on yourself. xx