Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Boyfriend keeps leaving me whenever we have an argument!!(60 Posts)
OK so me and my partner have been together 4/5 years, we have a child together, every single time we have an argument he will finish with me and pack his stuff and go, it could be for weeks or months but so far he's always come back. I really don't understand why he keeps doing this, we are mostly happy and content it's just when we argue he has to finish me, it's almost like he's running away from resolving any issues, usually our arguments end up in blazing rows because he refuses to talk about things like an adult, he will laugh in my face when I'm trying to explain whatever is it that is annoying me/hurt me whatever, he calls me pathetic and a joke amongst other stuff, I know it sounds stupid but I do love this man and I'm sick of being treated like this whenever we argue, part of me thinks it's a control thing, because it seems like only his decisions count and he doesn't think about anyone else's decisions/opinions. I don't actually know what to do about it, because like I said I do love him and we're usually fine it's just whenever we argue things go to crap, il add we don't argue often, it's almost like I'm not allowed to get annoyed or what not because if I do an argument happens and he will say I cause the drama and the arguments (not always true) and then leaves.
Sorry if this makes no sense I just need to vent
Why are you putting up with this?! Next time he leaves, change the locks!
Sounds like a controlling arsehole. Tell him the next time he packs up and leaves will be the last time, and stick to it.
I really don't understand why he keeps doing this
I really don't understand why you keep doing this. He has no respect for you, treats you like a doormat, yet every time he can be arsed to come back you let him. Is your self-worth really this low? Is this the example you want to set for your child?
Sorry, gut reaction there. Proper reply...
He is training you to never, ever argue with him, and always let him have his way. Everything is fine and you get on really well when you stay in line and do what he wants. As soon as you disagree with him, the shit hits the fan.
This. Is. Abuse.
Do you really want your child to grow up thinking that this is how relationships should be? What will happen when they start disagreeing with him? Will they be yelled at, intimidated and walked out on too?
Also OP, i hate to say this, but you need an STI test. If he buggers off for weeks or months at a time, he's definitely getting a bit of strange on the side and coming back when whoever she is wises up and gives him the boot. He sounds disrespectful and selfish (at a minimum) and i bet he doesn't care about keeping you safe.
Please, call Women's Aid, get your ducks in a row and get out.
Well it’s not like you’re never ever going to argue for the rest of your live together.
So you’ll either to be treated like a doormat for the rest of your life, or start having some self respect.
Immature controlling behaviour. He obviously doesn't consider the impact on you, or maybe he does. Doesn't sound like a mutually supportive relationship, sounds like you're doing the heavy lifting emotionally. What support does he give you? Does he really value you? How often does this happen? I suspect it will increase in frequency.
This must be very unsettling for you and your child, not a situation you should both have to live in fear of him taking off. I would talk to him and pre warn him if he leaves again then maybe it's best for good? or this will end up being a continuous cycle which isn't healthy for anyone.
That is not your boyfriend. He's just a random asshole you had a child with. The reason he keeps doing this is because you keep letting him do it. To him you are a joke because you will really take him back every time.
Next time he packs and leave, change the lock and throw all his stuff out.
I would ask you why do you keep doing this...to yourself and the child.
I wondered if my daughter had written this ( she didn’t). I’ve probably said everything to her that you lot have said. Op won’t listen to anything anyone says. In 10 years time she will be posting the same thing.
See I dont know why I keep taking him back or asking him to come back, Its not like I can't survive on my own because I know I can, my anxiety has gone through the roof and it's purely because I cannot wrap my head around why he keeps doing this, there's got to be some sort of reason right? It's almost like he can't actually resolve things, when we last had a massive argument it wasn't until a year or so later that it was actually spoken about in depth and finally resolved. He will always say that things have to change and it always seem to be me that has to change. In all honesty I just feel so lost.
OP he's going to keep doing this and he's not really a partner is he if he's only there part time. It's ringing alarm bells of him being in another relationship and flitting between households. He creates an argument then flounces off and goes back to the other house, does the same there, then comes back to you.
Either way, his behaviour is completely unacceptable. You can't resolve differences if he's not willing to discuss anything and he disappears for months on end.
How old is your child?
He or she will be suffering huge emotional damage from what you and your partner are doing.
It's no wonder you have issues with anxiety. You live in a pressure cooker. Kick him out and keep him gone. This is the only thing you need to do.
Yes he keeps doing that because he is an arsehole AND you keep taking him back (If he has left and he is back again, then you must have agreed to have him back right?)
And it sounds like it is always YOU that has to change, then I would also say that another reason why he is behavikng ike this is
- he is controlling
- by behaving like this, he is getting what he wanst (ie you end up doing what he wants in some ways. Even if it's just by trying to avoid triggering him)
He does it because he can come back. Whats the house situation. Do you own or rent together. He is having a tantrum and leaves home like a sulky teenager. Do you know where he goes. Does he keep in contact when he is somewhere else.
He's verbally and emotionally abusive and his leaving is an attempt to control you by making you feel anxious and insecure, as well as controlling how the discussion goes.
Do you know where he goes when he vanishes? It doesn't seem like he's 100% committed to you.
Yes, he's training you not to raise any issues. Such as, your needs?
Next time you row, you be the one to end it.
''it's almost like I'm not allowed to get annoyed or what not because if I do an argument happens and he will say I cause the drama and the arguments (not always true) and then leaves.''
That is definitely abuse. My parents did this to me and I'm still unravelling it now. Obviously they didnt storm off to the pub and leave me but they would punish me with coldness if I showed any emotion. Anger, upset, a sense that an injustice had been done.
It is definitely abuse.
Why are you putting your child through this? Can you appreciate how traumatic this will be, seeing daddy pack up his stuff and leave for weeks or months and then come back, rinse and repeat?
Why are you wasting time trying to understand why he does this, instead of focusing on ensuring it can't happen again, which is by no longer living with him?
He keeps doing it because you keep letting him.
Next time he does it change locks and tell him to fuck off.
He's an asshole.
You could pack a bag for him and keep it somewhere safe. Next time he stomps his little tootsies tell him youve got his bag ready.
Don't take him back.
If you do it, you will either never argue with him, or even discuss some things, and if you do, he will leave. And he will keep doing it.
Take control of it.
* I cannot wrap my head around why he keeps doing this, there's got to be some sort of reason right?*
He does it because he can and there no consequences. He can just get angry, storm off, do whatever it is he does with whoever he's with and knows he's got you as his Plan B.
* See I dont know why I keep taking him back or asking him to come back, Its not like I can't survive on my own because I know I can*
Don't take him back next time and for heavens sake don't ASK him to come back. This man doesn't care at all for you because he wouldn't treat you this way if he did.
* I do love this man*
I'm sorry but not only is this one way, it's really not enough. Self respect is better. Grab hold of yours with both hands and get him gone. You say you can survive on your own - prove it to yourself and KEEP him gone.
Don't wait for the next argument. Kick him out this week and don't let him back in. As others have said, he does it because you let him. Take control of the situation and show him you won't ve treated like crap any longer
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.